Having a baby can profoundly change relationships

The stress and lifestyle changes associated with a new baby may bring a couple closer together -- or rip them apart.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

For most people, having a baby is a happy time. Whether through birth or adoption, having a baby will naturally impact a relationship substantially. Some parents however underestimate just how much things will change when a baby is factored into their relationship.

We've all heard new parents complain about how hard it is to have a baby. You're exhausted all the time, there are a lot of different emotions experienced by both parents, and the baby spends almost all of its time either screaming, pooping, or eating -- sometimes all at the same time.

People often go into parenthood thinking that they're the ones who will figure it all out and not change their lives for the baby. Spoiler alert: your life will change dramatically no matter how much you think it won't. In one study, over 60% of parents reported feeling "unprepared" for just how much of an impact having a baby would have on their relationship.

That same study also found that one-fifth of all relationships end within a year of having a baby. Like so many things in life, being prepared and managing expectations can be the key to maintaining your romantic relationships.

Photo by Katie Smith on Unsplash

Here are things that new parents are sometimes surprised by when the baby comes along:

Conversations become more transactional

There's not a lot of opportunities for long, deep conversations when there's a newborn around. Most of the conversations between partners become about what the baby is doing and what the baby needs. New parents soon become exhausted from lack of sleep and the constant grind of taking care of a little human who is fully dependent on you and doesn't care if you've had time to sleep or shower, and with exhaustion become cranky. This can lead to arguments and hurt feelings.

There's no spontaneity -- and you might become a recluse

Before the baby came, you were likely prone to spontaneous activities from time to time. You might not have felt like cooking, so you went out to eat. Maybe it's a nice day so you go for an unplanned hike. You need baking powder so you pop out to the grocery store. Now your activities revolve around when you need to pump breast milk, when the baby needs to eat, and whether it's nap time. Instead of just grabbing your phone and wallet, you now need to bag a diaper bag full of more items than you likely brought on your last vacation. When leaving the house becomes a project, it's easier to stay at home.

You might be experiencing a lot of unexpected emotions

It's well known that mothers can experience hormonal fluctuations and/or post-partum depression. But they're not the only ones. Both parents might be suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. You might wonder if you can really be the parent you want to be. Changes to your lifestyle may be hard to adjust to. And having a baby might bring up thoughts about your own childhood and family relationships.

Photo by Jill Sauve on Unsplash

What to do to help your relationship survive new parenthood

Every relationship is unique, but here are some things that can help you navigate the changes to your relationship that happen with a baby:

• Accept that your life is going to change in ways you never expected. The baby won't be young forever, and as the baby gets older you will have an easier time resuming activities.
• Be kind to yourself and your partner. You're sleep-deprived and emotional so cut yourself -- and each other -- a break.
• Get help. Now is a great time to utilize things like meal delivery services, house cleaning services, and offers of babysitting help so you can get out of the house or just take an uninterrupted shower.
• Find ways to give your partner some non-baby attention. Kind words, compliments, even a hug can go a long way. And be open and honest when talking about resuming intimate activities only when both partners are ready.
• Talk to others. Other parents you know, online message boards, and counselors or trusted friends can help you navigate your feelings and be an impartial observer to your experience.
• Get out of the house. There's nothing worse than being trapped in the house, as we've all learned during quarantines. Take a walk, go for a drive, or at least go sit in your yard to get a change of scenery.
• Split up the work. Both partners should spend time bonding with the baby, feeding them, changing their diapers, and doing other chores.

The most important way to protect your relationship is for you and your partner to engage in open communication. You may feel like a jerk complaining about what is supposed to be a happy event, but remember that you are in this together. Build on the strengths of your relationship and commit to being active partners with your little bundle of joy.

#relationship #parenting #baby

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