Skating at Ellport Roller Rink

Due to the fact that this mild-mannered sixth grader was born with cerebral palsy which was compounded by a spasmodic balance problem, I must’ve been three sheets to the wind to think strapping a pair of gently used roller stakes to my feet was a bright idea.

This wasn’t going to end well!

Ever since Dirk Arkwright mentioned the monthly roller staking parties held at Ellport Roller Rink for Missionettes and Royal Rangers the day we moved into the church parsonage, I salivated over the idea of showing off my nimble movements out on the maple hardwood flooring even though this enthusiastic stripling had never participated in the extracurricular activity a day in his life.

Nonetheless, Mom all but laughed in my face after being approached with the ingenious plan of investing in a pair of secondhand roller stakes to practice in our basement for this little chap’s big debut.

I can’t imagine why!

Upon my very first attempt to gracefully glide across the shiny hardwood floor attached to eight polyurethane wheels, I headed straight for the Riverside Middle School student and his usual cohorts like a human bowling ball about to make a strike; after which we all toppled over into a jumbled heap directly in front of the coin-operated jukebox.

“Jumping Jehoshaphat,” exclaimed the dumbfounded eighth grader after standing upright to help me back on my feet. “When you were coming right at me, I thought you were going to use the stoppers on the front of your skates; but you probably didn’t even realize they’re to keep you from crashing into innocent bystanders.”

“Now that’s what I call making a splash,” interjected Jimmy Bubb, Jr. as he wrapped an arm around my shoulder giving it a gentle squeeze. “Since it appears you like to mow down other skaters, we should sign you up for the roller derby where you get to wear a helmet and pads; otherwise, you’re going wind up in a full body cast.”

At least I had a soft landing!

“It sounds to me like this one’s a wisenheimer,” observed Ricky Honneffer, Jr. when sizing up this potential candidate for some good old-fashioned hazing. “I think he’s due for a sausage swirly in a restroom toilet before hanging him by his tighty-whities to the back of the stall door; so, then he can’t run into us again like a battering ram.”

Just when you thought I didn’t know how to skate, this fraidy cat bolted toward his boon companions at the pinball machines on the opposite side of the concession area.

“Look what the cat dragged in,” snickered Jimmy Allen following another failed attempt to beat the high score on the ‘Evel Knievel’ leader board. “While you were busy chatting it up with my older brothers and the rest of their teenage posse, we decided to bide our time by playing a round of pinball prior to heading out onto the roller rink.”

I’d classify that as a train wreck more than a conversation!

“We had front row seats to the slapstick comedy act,” admitted Chris Honneffer while thinking about the amusing incident. “Considering that you’re a roller-skating newbie, we’re going to skate in a conga-style line until you get your bearings; so, hopefully we’ll be able to keep you from crashing into anymore live targets.”

Shortly after making several rotations around the polished hardwood floor to the beat of “Stayin’ Alive” by the Bee Gees, their well-laid plans derailed when the imaginary train veered off the track as this would-be caboose went down in flames upon slamming into a cinderblock wall.

That’s going to undoubtedly leave a mark!

Although this equilibrium-challenged adolescent was having difficulty standing on his skate-strapped feet, he thoroughly enjoyed participating in the Chicken Dance and the Hokey Pokey as well as trying his hand at doing the Limbo in spite of getting disqualified during the third round of play while attempting to glide underneath the horizontal bar with his big fat head.

However, I was proud as a peacock after surviving multiple rounds of Four Corners – a spirited competition where skaters were eliminated with the roll of a giant five-by-five wooden die – to become one of three winners to receive a free drink from the concession stand for my hard-fought victory and the ability to beat the odds by choosing the right corner.

When the Ellport Roller Rink owners’ son Tim Rough – a teenage heartthrob with the giddy teenyboppers from our church – announced the next couples skate, my comrades from Royal Rangers left me high and dry once several couples began skating around rink to the beat of “You’re the One That I Want” by John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John.

As the disco ball created a mesmerizing twinkle effect, I expeditiously shuffled along the outside perimeter in an attempt to flee the romantic scene when two women – Jackie Streckeisen and Gloria Arkwright – swooped in on either side grasping my hands for a magical ride around the rink which lasted until the end of the popular tune from Grease.

Ironically, it was the only time of the night that I didn’t take a nosedive.

Once this grateful whippersnapper thanked the lovely ladies for a wonderful time free of any hiccups, he quickly found his circle of friends sitting at one of the booths near the concession stand enjoying a Suicide – a mixture of Coke, cherry pop, root beer and Sprite.

“We took the liberty of ordering one for you,” revealed Donald Streckeisen prior to presenting me with the carbonated beverage. “However, you won’t hurt our feelings one little bit if you decide not to drink it; because I’m certain that between the rest of us we’ll be more than happy to finish it for you.”

Through the lips and over the gums, look out stomach here it comes!

Immediately after gulping down the souped-up sugary concoction, this little band of brothers hightailed it back out there for one final trip around the skating rink before the memorable evening drew to a conclusion.