The words on my phone screen almost made me drop my morning cup of chai tea. An influencer with bipolar disorder, let's call her Maggie, posted the words on her Instagram feed a few days ago. While she didn’t specifically say she was going to kill herself, the message was clear.
Hundreds of us reached out to the blogger in panic and to express our concern. Thankfully, Maggie posted later that day that she decided to live. I’m sure my heart was not alone in being relieved by the news. By continuing her fight, she'll continue to shine online as a champion of mental illness awareness.
Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional. If you or someone you love is coping with a mental health crisis, please seek the professional help you need.
The event reminded me of how often people think about ending things.
The Vital Statistics Rapid Release Report 34 in November 2023, revealed that suicides in the United States increased again when comparing 2021 to 2022 provisional numbers. Per the report, "The provisional number of suicides in 2022 (49,449) was 3% higher than the final 2021 number (48,183)." No doubt many of those never reached out for support.
Maggie is not the only one suffering.
Suffering in silence
Many people are unlikely to tell someone when they have thoughts of suicide. I know I rarely tell anyone, even though the urge is a daily struggle. When the pain inside becomes too much or the voices in your head too loud, the thought of ending it all seems like the only way out.
If you have a mental illness like bipolar disorder, you know that suicidal ideation is a part of life. I can barely think of a day in the last 30 years where I didn't think about suicide at least once during the day.
To put that into context, my life is good. I’m a happy person with a positive outlook. My meds keep me stable, and I work full time. Outside of work, I care for my aging parents and create online content like this article.
No matter how good things are, suicidal ideation is a part of me. Every negative emotion and disappointment takes me to a dark place. It's a slippery slope I can't escape, so I've learned to live with the feelings.
To help you better understand suicidal ideation, let me tell you a little more about my experiences with dark thoughts.
Not reasonable
It’s important to preface the rest of this conversation with two truths.
One, suicidal ideation with bipolar disorder is not reasonable. The destructive thoughts can attack your mind day or night, no matter how well your day is going. You could be in the middle of laughing hysterically at the funniest joke you've ever heard, and then, like a firecracker exploding, all your thoughts can change.
Two, most of the time, thinking about suicide is not a choice. I never decide, “Hey, I want to think about how to kill myself today.” No, instead, it’s like someone ties you to a theater seat and forces you to watch clips of how you could off yourself.
My history with suicidal ideation started around fifth grade, roughly age 10, long before they diagnosed me with bipolar disorder at 23. I thought the feelings were a natural part of adolescence. My family didn’t discuss mental health, so there was no one I could turn to for validation or understanding.
The thoughts came without a trigger. One night, while lying awake staring at my ceiling, I started to think about self-harm. The next day at school, I mentioned the feeling to a friend, and she had a total freak out.
I know now her reaction was the right one, but to my untrained mind, all I could think was how I could never tell anyone else. And I didn’t for many years.
Dark thoughts continue
These pervasive thoughts have plagued me every day since. While there has only been a few times where they almost drove me to the point of no return, the feelings themselves never go away.
If you don’t have bipolar disorder, it’s vital for you to understand these feelings seem just as natural as being hungry or being attacted to someone. They become a comfortable part of your persona.
Thoughts of harming yourself are always a danger signal and should receive a proper response. While the feelings themselves may never fully go away, you can learn to live a full and productive life despite them.
With these truths out of the way, let’s focus on how you can cope with suicidal thoughts.
Every night ends
It’s perhaps easiest to describe a bad mental health episode as a sort of darkness. Depression and hopelessness flood in like evening darkness, bringing a sense of foreboding and dread. The night is heavy and black, preventing all light from entering.
The good news is every night, no matter how long, eventually ends. The sun always comes up again. The same is true of the worst mental health days. They will end.
If you’re in a dark place right now, please hold on. The darkness enveloping you will not last. You will see the light again.
Pain subsides
Pain is often a trigger for suicidal ideation with bipolar disorder. It doesn’t matter if the pain is physical or emotional, your brain may immediately fill with thoughts of ending things.
Nearly all pain eventually subsides. If you break a leg or have surgery, the worst of your pain usually lasts a few days. Healing may take longer, but the most intense agony fades away.
The same is true of emotional pain. If you’ve lost someone because of a breakup or a death, your emotional pain is crushing. I lost the person I loved the most, and it made me want to stop feeling anything. The ache in my heart made everything gray and chased away my desire to live.
It’s been many years now since I lost her. While I will never be completely free of the heartache, it isn’t the searing jab in my chest it used to be.
Whatever pain you’re feeling will fade in time. Some of it may stay with you forever, but it will become easier to handle.
Feelings change
Sometimes your mind goes down the suicidal ideation path because someone doesn’t love you the way you love them. This could be a romantic relationship or a friendship that turns out to have less depth than expected.
There are times when, despite your best efforts, you fall head over heels for a friend. When your feelings are finally revealed, the one you love may fail to return your affection. The crushing blow of rejection can shatter your desire to continue living.
The worst of the heartache will fade. You'll learn to open your heart again and see others worthy of your care. As you allow your heart to open to love again, those devastating feelings fade away.
I’ve had many relationships go up in flames. I wanted my life to end after each one, but I'm glad I kept fighting.
As time passed, those losses helped me see clearer the people in my life who truly mattered. Those revelations helped me create lifelong friendships and add joy to my life.
If you’re coping with the pain of a failed relationship, hold on. Let yourself feel the pain. Eat ice cream, cry, and watch sad movies. Just don’t give up. The pain will end.
Keep fighting
Many of us who follow Maggie, the blogger mentioned above, reached out to her to see if we could help. I don’t know her outside of social media, not even her real name. Still, I sent her a message saying I hoped she would choose life.
A few days later, Maggie posted about how she checked herself into a psychiatric hospital. She recognized she needed help and opened up to the people in her life.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The key word is temporary. The problems won’t last, no matter how hopeless you may feel right now. There are better ways to cope with your pain until it subsides.
If you are coping with suicidal ideation with bipolar disorder, please tell someone. Reach out to one of the suicide prevention resources below or go to the nearest emergency department. At the very least, tell a friend or family member. Tell them how awful you feel and be willing to accept the help they offer.
It gets better
I won’t lie to you and say going to a psychiatric hospital is all rainbows and butterflies. Not even close. In fact, there are many parts of seeking in-facility treatment that just plain suck.
However, the truth is being committed saved my life. The temporary pain, discomfort, and embarrassment was worth it because I’m still here today telling you my story.
If I ever sink to such a low point again, I won’t argue about being put back into the hospital. Sometimes it’s the only way to start the healing process. Do what you need to so you can see another day.
Life really does get better. That’s not just a cliche. All we need to do is keep fighting.
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