Bipolar Anger: Battling the Internal Monster

Looking at bipolar anger from the inside.

Bipolar anger can feel like a monster you are forced to live withPhoto byImage made by author with Canva AI

It’s a monster that sleeps inside of me, this thing called bipolar anger. Now that I'm in my 50s, the beast rests more often, but when startled, it rises with as much ferocity as ever.

Bipolar anger is a separate entity from me, at least in my mind. It’s irrational, impulsive, and destructive. It’s a part of bipolar disorder that still fills me with fear even after decades of treatment.

I hate the days when my monster rules as king. On those days, he wakes up before I do and sets the tone for the day. Nothing will go right when he’s awake. Everything from the annoying announcer on the radio to the perpetual drip of the bathroom faucet intensifies his rampage.

For the safety of others, I avoid people as much as possible on the angry days. It’s not that the monster has ever hurt anyone physically, except maybe once in the third grade, but he uses hateful words and knows which ones will hurt the most. He knows where all of your buttons are and will happily press each one.

My angry beast tosses insults as daggers, wounding everyone within throwing distance. His barbs rip open hearts as he stomps on their most painful scars.

Inside, I feel like I’m entombed in a glass bubble. I watch as he performs horrible deeds and listen to the vicious words spill from my mouth. I am powerless to stop either.

He’s in control, and it will be up to me to clean up the mess when he goes back to sleep. For now, all I can do is note his trail of destruction.

As hard as the days are when my monster rises early, the days he springs to life without warning are almost worse.

Driving through town, an idiot driver will pull out in front of me, and he’s ready to eat them and their car for lunch. He rises to attention because of a coworker’s incessant foot tapping and jerks awake because of unkind salesclerks or inconsiderate shoppers.

Yes, I’m talking about you, the shopper standing in the middle of the potato chip aisle, your shopping cart at an angle so no one can pass, transfixed on whatever is on your cell phone screen. The Wordle game can wait, but my salty craving can't. Your lack of consideration rouses my monster no matter how hard I try to keep him calm.

Put down the stupid phone and move your cart! You’re not alone in this store.

An angry monster throwing bowling ballsPhoto byImage made by author with Canva AI

It’s a good thing I have some restraint, or my monster would crush you into a meaty ball and fling you down the aisle like bowling with human pins.

Bipolar anger sucks. As much as I strive to be positive most days, my beast will drain the color from my world, darken the sun, and numb my humor sensor. Telling me to "buck up" or that "tomorrow will be better" does not help.

Yep, I get the irony, since I continually tell my readers to hold on until tomorrow. I know the next day will probably be better, but remember, I’m currently in my glass coffin. There’s not a lot of optimism in here with me.

My anger doesn’t care about your platitudes, and spewing clichés at him does nothing more than fuel his fire.

Some will say my words here are making things worse. They will berate me for describing my anger as a growling monster and claim my words will only increase stigma.

To them I say,“Shut up! You’re not helping.”

Yes, me, I say this, not the monster inside.

This is how I feel, and my feelings are valid. It’s okay if you don’t understand them, but you don’t have the right to condemn me based on your lack of comprehension.

Maybe it’s not how you feel about your bipolar. That’s fine. I’m not describing you. I’m talking about me.

Since you’re not in my head, you don’t know how I feel. And this is how I feel, and sometimes, it scares me.

After decades of failures, I know how to be patient. The angry monster may rage for days, but eventually, he’ll need to rest.

I just have to hold on.

If you see me without a smile on my face and my eyes glow with contempt like a Goa’uld overlord from the Stargate universe, please understand he’s in control. I’ll be back soon, but you have to let him go for now.

It’s pointless to try and stop the beast. He’ll rest when he decides it’s time, so hide with the other villagers until then.

Hopefully, you’ll see the real me again tomorrow.

If you are struggling with bipolar anger, there are ways to cope. Learn your triggers, focus on staying calm, and ride out the wave when you have to. Every episode ends.

Until next time, keep fighting.