It’s a tougher job than I thought.

Being a full-time caregiver is brutal.

An older woman in a wheelchair sitting alone on a patioPhoto byImage made by author with Canva AI.

The mental toll is much heavier than I expected. Even though I watched dozens of friends care for their aging parents, the reality is much tougher than what I saw. When you know someone needs your help no matter how you feel or how they might act, it’s a pressure you can’t explain unless you’ve lived it.

I love caring for my parents.

I know it’s a privilege that will be gone much too soon. Even so, some days are really hard. I’m talking Sisyphus pushing the boulder up the mountain kind of hard.

Here are three reasons why.

You Don’t Always Have the Same Patient

One of the toughest challenges is in the unknown.

Which person will I be treating today? Is this the one who loves flowers and kittens and funny videos on Facebook? Or is it the one who lives in a perpetual state of anger who will strike out at everything I do and say?

As I wrote about before, taking care of a loved one is a lot like dancing, except the music and the steps are constantly changing.

There’s a certain amount of stress that sticks with you all day, every day. Never knowing what personality you’ll be facing means you have to be ready for anything. That’s not too bad first thing in the morning when nothing has zapped your energy yet, but extremely challenging after a full workday filled with constant problems.

Then there’s the fight you have inside.

You Will Feel Like You’re Doing It Wrong

No matter how hard you try to do all the right things, there will be times you feel like you’re getting it all wrong.

You’ll wonder:

• Should I allow her to have ice cream for dinner if that’s all she’ll eat?
• Is it okay to let him walk around the yard by himself?
• Was I right to make them stay home because the front walk was slick from rain?
• Should I call the doctor or is this an episode that will pass?

No matter what choice you make, a piece of you will doubt it was the right one.

And your parents won’t make it easier. When you put restrictions on them, they may feel demoralized and hurt. How do you explain you’re trying to protect them? When you let them try something beyond their current skill level and it results in a disaster, you’ll beat yourself up for not protecting them.

Every decision comes with consequences, so there’s a constant battle about whether you’re making the right one.

An older man helping an older woman in a wheelchairPhoto byImage made by author with Canva AI.

You Will Miss It When It’s Over

For today, both of my parents are still living. I’m well aware of what a gift that is.

No matter how good of a job I do in taking care of them, their time left is limited. I see pieces of them slip away every day, and each loss stabs at me. Before I know it, this war will end.

Many of my friends are further along than I am. They’ve fought the skirmishes and now one or both of their parents are gone. I watch them stumble with their words as their faces drain of color at the realization they will never again care for their loved one.

“If only I had a little more time,” they all lament.

Being a full-time caregiver is tough, but it’s a war you must fight.

A painful rite of passage, caring for our loved ones as they lose the ability to care for themselves, is a part of the circle of life. You’re stronger than you think, and when it’s time, you’ll find the power you need to carry on.

Do your best, love them as much as you can, and allow yourself to cry as many tears as will come.

The job is painful, but you will never regret doing it.

Until next time, keep fighting.