Spouses’ Differing Needs for Retirement Moves

She needs a retirement community, while her husband wants to remain where they are. What does advice columnist R. Eric Thomas suggest for their retirement moves?

Dear Eric:

My husband and I, married almost 40 years, are entering our twilight years with very different abilities and stages of our bodies failing. We’re in our early 70s. We have always been outdoorsy and active.

I now have serious heart issues that really slow me down, so I only do a little camping and a daily walk, whereas my husband still does it all.

We live in a rural area, and it’s hard for me to make friends, so I feel like I’d be happier in a retirement community. My husband is reluctant to make this change. We could afford to live separately, but we are so symbiotic now. What should we do?

– Ready to Move On

Dear Ready:

While I’m sorry to read that you’re having more trouble being active, I’m heartened by your perspective on it. You’ve figured out a solution that will work for you, which is healthy and is going to keep you healthier. In fact, it’s a solution that will keep both of you happier. You should present it to your husband in that way.

Approach this transition the way you’ve approached other life changes throughout your marriage – other moves, decisions, crises, etc. It may feel too big or too final for him and that might be scary. But help him see that your quality of life will improve and his won’t have to change.

He can still go camping in the same spots that he does, presuming that the community you choose is within driving distance of your home. With you making stronger social connections in the community, he may feel more empowered to pursue his outdoorsy interests, and then come home to you.

If you can afford to live separately, you should also be able to afford to keep the rural abode, if you want, and still live together in the community. It’s going to be a change for both of you. But I see only upside here.

Make these decisions while you have the autonomy to do so and a plethora of choices. You’re not shutting down a part of your life, you’re acknowledging reality and opening up a new chapter in an ongoing story.

R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and author of “Congratulations, The Best Is Over!” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

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