How to Do Damage Control After You've Blown Up at Your Kid

Can you remember a time in your childhood when your parents yelled at you for what seemed like no reason, leaving you with that gut-wrenching dread and the thought, “What just happened? What did I do wrong?”

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If you grew up in the ’80s or ’90s, chances are you can.

Now, take a minute and think of a time when your parent followed up with an apology.

Crickets, right?

Well, here we all are, in our healing eras, making our best attempts at gentle parenting. When you become a parent, it’s natural to reflect on your own childhood and vow to do things differently, especially when many of us were raised in households where meltdowns, sadness, anger, or any of those “big feelings” were met with anything but compassion. In our new book, All Feelings Welcome , we dive deep into the impact of these early experiences and how they shape our approach to parenting today.

Countless conversations with fellow parents have revealed a common response: “I don’t think I can remember a time my parents ever apologized to me.”

We know we want to do better. Yet, despite our best intentions, we often find ourselves overwhelmed and burnt out because, well, the mental load of parenting is real . And in those moments of stress, it’s almost inevitable that we’ll lose it on our kids — even when it has nothing to do with them.

Picture this: You’re trying to get out the door for an important appointment. Your child is taking forever to decide what to wear, their shoes are nowhere to be found (if only they’d put them where you told them to), and just as you’re finally loading into the car — 15 minutes behind schedule — they announce they need to use the bathroom.

Some days, you might cringe internally and roll with it. Other days, you snap. Maybe you’ve just received a frustrating work email. Maybe you’ve had an argument with your partner. It all becomes too much, and you end up yelling at your kids, blaming them for the delay, and diving into a tirade of should-haves and could-haves that might have prevented the chaos. They melt down, scream and hit you on the way back out the door, absorbing the blame and big feelings you’ve unfairly placed on them.

Then, as you’re finally on your way, the guilt sinks in. Or you’re caught in a shame spiral for taking out your frustrations on the kids and causing this rupture in the first place. If this sounds all too familiar, you’re not alone.

But here’s where we break the cycle. Instead of letting shame ruin your day and settle into your nervous system, take a minute to sit with that guilt or shame — really feel it — and then take the next step: repair.

As Brene Brown teaches us, shame and blame are the opposites of accountability. We can own our feelings and take real, actionable steps to navigate these difficult moments with our children and create healthier relationships, where connection plays a key role as the antidote to shame.

Our parents didn’t have this understanding. They didn’t experience this kind of emotional awareness as children, and the conversation around emotional health and wellbeing wasn’t where it is today. But when we know better, we do better. The concept of repair is crucial for us to grasp and practice.

In All Feelings Welcome , we delve deeply into attachment parenting and the importance of building secure, healthy relationships with our kids. One of the most vital aspects of creating a secure bond with our children is the ability to repair after a rupture or moment of disconnection. Reconnecting reassures us that we are still good, even when we’ve made a mistake.

We recommend following the steps listed below once everyone is calm, even if it means it happens later in the day.

How to Repair After Moments of Disconnection

1. Acknowledge the issue or disconnection.
2. Take accountability for YOUR part (even if it came after theirs).
3. Talk about the need behind your feelings.
4. Discuss how YOU will work to do it differently next time.
5. Apologize and reconnect — don’t rush to the next step.
6. Ask for their perspective and support them in going through steps 1-5 if they’re ready.

Check In: Don’t force a fake apology from your child. Sometimes, we have to take the lead a few times and model a sincere apology ourselves before genuine apologies start coming from our kids, especially if this is a new practice in your home.

Ask them:

• What do you think happened?
• What did you feel when that happened?
• What did you need or want to be happening instead?

Empathize with their feelings and needs. Maybe even share a story about when you’ve felt the same way.

Explore solutions together:

• Can we think of another way to address that need or feeling?
• I apologized — did that help you understand that I want to do it differently next time?

Check in: Don’t use your feelings to coerce an apology. Your feelings are not their responsibility — they’re yours.

Can you imagine how different your inner world might have been if your parents had practiced this after those terrible moments that actually had nothing to do with you? Reconnecting after repair is key to building healthy relationships — because that’s where true healing happens. And the most important relationships are those we have with our children. As we learn to break patterns and cycles, we set them up for a lifetime of emotional wellness.

For more on how to foster these healthy connections, be sure to check out All Feelings Welcome , available now in bookstores and anywhere you buy books online.

All Feelings Welcome: Parenting Practices for Raising Caring, Confident, and Resilient Kids