Declining Invitations Have Less Social Backlash Than Expected, Researchers Find

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Which is worse: attending a party you don't want to attend or staying home and disappointing a friend? While context matters, a 2023 study suggests that declining an invitation doesn't bring the social backlash invitees often fear.

"I was once invited to an event that I absolutely did not want to attend, but I went anyway because I was nervous the person who invited me would be upset if I did not – and that appears to be a common experience," says lead author Dr. Julian Givi, a psychologist at West Virginia University.

"Our research shows, however, that the negative ramifications of saying no are much less severe than we expect."

The Study and Its Findings

In the study, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, more than 75% of respondents reported accepting invitations they would have preferred to decline to avoid offending the invited.

To understand this rationale, Givi and co-author Colleen Kirk, an associate professor at the New York Institute of Technology, conducted five experiments involving over 2,000 participants.

One experiment outlined a scenario in which one friend invites another to dinner at a restaurant hosting a celebrity chef. Participants were assigned roles as either the inviter or the invitee. Invitees imagined they already had plans and wanted a quiet night at home, leading them to decline the invitation. Inviters were told their friend declined for the same reason.

The study found that invitees often expected immediate repercussions for the relationship. They anticipated that the inviter would feel mad, disappointed, and reluctant to extend future invitations. In contrast, inviters reported less negative reactions upon hearing the rejection.

Invitees also believed the inviter would focus more on the rejection itself rather than the reasons behind it. This perspective might explain why people often accept invitations they'd prefer to decline.

"Across our experiments, we consistently found that invitees overestimate the negative ramifications that arise in the eyes of inviters following an invitation decline," Givi explains.

"People tend to exaggerate the degree to which the person who issued the invitation will focus on the act of the invitee declining the invitation, as opposed to the thoughts that passed through their head before they declined."

Testing Relationships in Couples

In another experiment, Givi and Kirk recruited 160 couples for a "couples survey." Relationship durations varied from less than six months to over five years.

While one partner was out of the room, the other wrote an invitation for an activity they'd like to do together. The invitee then returned, read the invitation, and wrote a rejection note such as, "I just want to stay home and relax." The inviter later read the rejection.

The results showed a consistent pattern: invitees predicted their partners would feel angrier or more hurt than they actually did, regardless of the relationship's length. This phenomenon highlights a psychological tendency to assume others judge us more harshly for declining invitations than they do.

Implications and Cultural Considerations

While the study has limitations, including potential cultural differences and other psychological factors, it suggests that people often overestimate the negative impact of declining invitations.

"While there have been times when I have felt a little upset with someone who declined an invitation, our research gives us quite a bit of good reason to predict people overestimate the negative ramifications for our relationships," Givi says.

Occasionally declining invitations may be more socially acceptable than we think and can help prevent burnout during busy times.

"Burnout is a real thing, especially around the holidays when we are often invited to too many events," Givi notes. "Don't be afraid to turn down invitations here and there. But, keep in mind that spending time with others is how relationships develop, so don't decline every invitation."

This study encourages a balanced approach to social commitments, reminding us that while it's important to nurture relationships, it's equally important to prioritize our well-being by setting boundaries and saying no when necessary.