Divorced People Anonymously Revealed Why They Regret Ending Their Marriage, And It Hits Hard

Warning: This post contains mentions of abuse.

We recently asked divorced people of the BuzzFeed Community who regret ending their marriage to tell us why and what they'd do differently. Here's what they had to say:

1. "My ex-husband and I started dating when we were both 18. We got married at 20 mainly because of issues with his student visa, as he wasn't from the US. I decided I wanted a divorce when we were 24 because I didn't feel how I felt in the beginning; I was attracted to other people, and I wasn't ready to have kids. We're now 37 and talk now and then. I can confidently say he was the best man I've ever been with after all these years. I miss him and our relationship."

" I wish I would've gone to couples counseling or just tried harder to save the relationship instead of just giving up. I realize now that relationships aren't always easy, and you aren't always going to be head over heels for one another. It's about more than that. He's now remarried, and I keep getting screwed over by all the a-holes I choose to date."

—37, USA

2. "I didn’t 'end' my marriage, per se. My wife left me because I was young and angry and abusive. I cheated numerous times and was verbally and, at times, physically abusive. I wish I would’ve looked at my behavior and taken responsibility for my actions instead of blaming her and everyone else. I lost someone who really loved and cared for me, and I’ve given up on ever finding anyone like that again."

"Those people are very rare. Because of our children, she still looks out for me. I wish I would’ve appreciated having someone that special in my life. "

—40s, USA

3. "We separated about a year after an affair that I had on him with hopes of rekindling months later, but he, in turn, cheated on me. We never saw each other after the initial separation and are still going through a divorce. If I could do anything differently, it would be to fight FOR your spouse, not WITH them, and COMMUNICATE MORE."

"I know we hear that a lot, but the good, the bad, and the ugly need to be shared with your partner. With grace and forgiveness at your core. If you think you communicate well now, try to do so just a little bit more."

—30, California

4. "My son was 9 years old when I chose to leave and divorce his father. The story is long and tedious, but I was in my selfish, obsessed-with-my-looks era, and I wish I had the wisdom then that I have now. I have a very close relationship with my son, and his father and I maintain a friendship, but since the divorce, I have had one failed relationship after another. It's almost like I'm being punished for not trying harder. I worked in the fitness industry then, and I got a lot of male attention. Instead of taking compliments and letting them go, I became obsessed with how men looked at me. My ex-husband was the love of my life, and I ruined it by craving attention from anyone OTHER than him."

" I was unfaithful one time, and the guilt was so bad that I came clean. Everything fell apart after that. And here I am today, 53 years old, and unable to have a successful relationship. If I could do it all again, I would try harder. That said, I would not have gone back to school and gotten my degree in social work, either, so who knows what the right thing was? What I do know is I am single now and plan to stay that way. It just isn't worth the exhaustion and the heartbreak."

—53, New Hampshire

5. "Although I am likely going to be the one to end my marriage ultimately, it's not by choice. My husband and I had a solid marriage, but miscommunication and life issues (kids with medical issues, aging parents, and work stress) got in the way without us realizing it until it was almost too late. My husband finally confessed he wasn't sure he loved me anymore or if he wanted to be married."

"I knew things weren't perfect and had tried to get him to open up, but he denied any unhappiness before this shocking revelation. I figured we would work through it and come out better on the other side. Fast-forward three years of counseling and trial separations (which never went well; we are best friends who have a hard time not sharing our lives) and trips away — both as a family and just the two of us. Things have improved immensely, and I have much hope and faith in a fabulous future together. However, my husband is still unsure about what he wants, and I am no longer willing to put myself or our children in such an uncertain position. So, I plan to walk away in a few weeks if he can't definitively say he's in for the long haul. It sucks because there was no cheating, no abuse, and no bad behavior — just a slow drift apart. He is a good man and father, and I still love him. And I know he still loves me. I can't live the rest of my life in limbo and won't put my children through this any longer, but I know we will both have many regrets. "

—47, Washington

6. "I would have gone to counseling and understood that my depression was eating at me. Yes, he was a jerk, but it wasn't anything that we couldn't have overcome to save our marriage. I hate having to share custody and not be with my son every day. I hate that I have these regrets. I hate that I didn't try harder and give him an opportunity to try. It's been eight years, and we're both remarried to other people, but if I could go back, I would have done everything differently."

" I would have stayed and worked on it with him so we could still be a family . I miss my little family so very much."

—45, Texas

7. "I had an amazing husband. High school sweethearts who got it right. Then there was menopause, financial troubles, and a few years of being empty nesters. I lost a ton of weight and went back to school. A girlfriend who I had known for only a couple of years kept telling me I settled and deserved better. I should have considered the source; she had been divorced for 12 years and thought all men were worthless. My best friend of 20 years tried to get through to me, but I didn't listen. I end up going online for curiosity and the thrill. I got wrapped up in an affair, and my dear husband said he would forgive me."

"Too much had happened in my mind, and the other guy was leaving his wife and saying he loved and needed me. So, I now felt responsible for my affair guy. His soon-to-be ex stalked him and was wild enough to key my car and follow my kids. So, I ended up married to the affair guy. My kids have never looked at me the same, and it all came out. I lost my lifelong friends. My ex has a third wife now. She is a keeper. We go to the same small church, but it still hurts to see the life I destroyed. He was and is a great guy. I'm glad he is finally happy. Our boys are grateful for what great parents we are to each other and them, even though we have been divorced for almost 10 years. We even spent a long weekend with our current spouses, kids, and stepkids. My ex could have been a real jerk, but he has always been just as kind to me divorced as when we were married! Even my affair husband will comment on how my ex and I are so much alike in speech and mannerisms. Me, I have finally gotten up the courage to leave my affair husband."

—53, Texas

8. "We were married for 21 years. I wish we would have tried some real counseling. We did try with a 'relationship expert,' but I don't think it was quite the same thing — although, it was always pulling teeth to get my husband to talk to anyone. When we decided to divorce, we started getting along so much better. Even after the divorce, we are practically best friends, which is nice but also sad at the same time."

" I'm always thinking, 'What if we tried harder?' Obviously, I knew what divorce was, but its seriousness and finality somehow surprised me."

—50, Tennessee

9. "My soon-to-be ex-husband and I have been together for 10 years. We have two young children, and we ended our marriage in May. I always thought anything could be solved as long as you communicate. But it didn't matter how much we talked or got couples counseling; we just couldn't see each other's point of view. Due to financial reasons, we still have to live close to each other. He's in our house, and I'm on the driveway in a caravan. I think it will be like this for a couple of years. I still love him and wish it could work, but we both know we can't be what the other person needs."

"Although we get on well now, almost like good friends, if we tried again, we'd have the same problems. I need him to be more emotional and romantic, and he needs me to be a good housewife and not complain."

—38, England

10. "It was the quintessential grass is always greener. I didn't realize how great he was until I screwed up. It was an emotional affair; I left him over it, and I crushed him. It haunts me to this day, even though it has been 15 years. He is a great guy and a great father. He's happy now, and I'm glad, but not a day goes by where I don't wish that I would have looked for the greener grass with him."

—59, Pennsylvania

11. "I ended my marriage after 20 years. My spouse just was not a go-getter; he left the military after 13 years because they were giving 'bonuses,' lied about attending orientation to receive free tuition for college, and didn't participate as a parent unless directed. He was just a boy that never grew up or emotionally matured. He did everything I asked but secretly resented me for it. I had three daughters when we met, and I thought he was the best choice for us. Fast-forward 20 years, and I tell him, 'I know you love me; I just don't believe it anymore.'"

"His response: 'I'm still married to you, aren't I?' Cue divorce as fast as I can file for $150! Ten years later, and after years of therapy, I realized I should've just created a life outside of him, on the side, and done whatever the hell I wanted. I am older and wiser now, and even though I am the baddest b*tch around, he is still that same no-ambition guy; I would've loved to have the company and good lay still every day."

—52, South Carolina

12. "I didn't end the marriage because I wanted to — my ex-husband did, and he never said that he was seeing someone else. Now, I'm the one who is heartbroken and hurting."

—35, USA

13. "We married young and had our son less than a year later. We didn't really have a chance to be married, just the two of us. We stopped communicating and helping each other, and I would complain about our marriage to anyone who would listen. I ended up having multiple affairs and leaving him for another man. BIG MISTAKE. The grass was not greener (as everyone tried to tell me). Years later, after I had left the BIG MISTAKE, my ex and I sat down with our son and had a heart-to-heart about the past, and if mom and dad had just talked to each other, we might have stood a chance."

"I missed so many milestones in my son's life, selfishly chasing my own happiness. Even so, I never wanted to get back together with my ex — too many mistakes on my part to make up for. The guilt and shame was and is too great to bear. The thought of hurting him and my son like that again makes me want to stay away and let them rebuild."

—39, Michigan

14. "I had an emotional affair and felt like I had irrevocably destroyed my marriage. That was further confirmed when I started developing feelings for someone else. I told my spouse about it immediately and felt we needed to separate because of it. I never thought I would be the person to have an affair, to hurt my spouse the way I did, and the shame and guilt from that was and still is overwhelming."

"We ended the marriage amicably, but now, there is a possibility we are getting back together. It all is just so confusing and tough, and a part of me wishes we never got divorced in the first place and fought to work it out. It's all just very messy now."

—30, California

And finally...

15. "We were too young when we married and became more like siblings. The divorce was amicable, and I've since remarried and have two kids I'd never give back. Now, 20 years later (older and wiser), I regret giving up so soon for 'greener pastures' back then. As frustrating as it was, I think if we could have communicated better on our wants and needs from each other, we could have lasted."

" The older me feels my life now would mesh perfectly with my ex , and I think, 'maybe in another 20 years,' we'll be the grandparents on the wrap-around porch together. I regret losing touch with him because I think we would be really compatible at this point in our lives . "

—46, Colorado

If you regret ending your marriage and feel comfortable sharing your story, tell us why and what you would do differently in the comments below. Or, if you prefer to remain anonymous, feel free to use this Google form .

Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.