Before Accepting The Possibility Of Motherhood I Did Five Things

Photo byPhoto by RDNE Stock project

“No quiero ninos.”

My friends quoted my terrible Spanish catch phrase (I took four years and never got any better) in the college cafeteria as a joke for many years. Kids were never in the cards, and I constantly joked about how I would always be the calm and wild aunt.

When you are simply trying to survive, pay bills, and ensure you have enough money for food while also paying for your college, procreating isn’t at the top of the to-do list.

Then, I met someone. We built a future together, and for the first time in my life, everything around me was safe and stable, and the conversation about having children became a common topic.

A shift in our mindset doesn’t happen at all once, and it’s been years of milestones and self-growth before the possibility of having children even became a reality in my mind. Here are the five things I did before accepting motherhood as part of my potential future.

I traveled the world and experienced different cultures

Growing up, neither of my parents had ever left the country. Partly because we were destitute and somewhat because they were terrified of what the outside world had to offer.

Seeing the effects of fear on my parent's outlook on the world caused me to be the opposite. I bought a one-way ticket to Australia right after college and lived there for a year. I’ve been to several dozen countries, both due to volunteering and personal trips.

So many people have children young and want to be empty nesters early or never have the means to travel; I completely get it. But knowing that I’ve done so much already helps calm the worry that I will miss out or haven’t experienced life.

I accepted that there would be strong opinions on my choice

Whether you follow childfree or family accounts on social media, you will be bombarded by plenty of opinions in the comments.

“If you aren’t 1000000% percent sure, you should NEVER have kids.”

“Having kids is the only reason for living.”

“Your life will suck if you give up your freedom!”

“Kids are our source of joy and hope.”

People always have an opinion of how you should live your life, and I quickly accepted that whatever decision I made would be met with either excitement or the sentiment that we are giving up our lives.

I dealt with the mother-wound trauma that I have carried with me

It’s been almost a decade since I last saw my mom. When I was seventeen, my parents divorced after thirty years of marriage, and she ended up with her second husband in Australia on the other side of the world.

Anyone who has gone through estrangement with a parent knows how incredibly painful and defining the experience shapes us. Our parents are supposed to love us through thick and thin; when they fall short, we crumble.

Hate, anger, sadness, guilt. All the emotions have coursed through my body, and I have been able to accept that my mother’s choices do not define whether or not I would be a good mother to my child.

Our parent's choices do not need to define the people we become.

My finances and debt were settled

I’ve been on my own financially since I was fifteen. Although I worked at least two jobs at a time, the burden of paying for college and trying to survive alone took its toll.

It wasn’t until the last few years that I finally had the space to start saving, investing, and planning for the future.

There was no space to consider motherhood in the past because I was trying to survive; there were months when I couldn’t afford food because I had to cover rent.

Now that I have more financial freedom, I know that a child will be taken care of and provided an environment in which they would be able to grow and thrive.

I equipped myself with information on both sides of the coin

Childless women are constantly told that they will regret not having children. We are told of the joys of parenting and that we will miss out if we don’t go down that path.

So, I began reading books such as Regretting Motherhood, which highlights women’s stories that were not fulfilled or even happy with the journey of having a child. I talked to friends with children and listened to their stories and honest accounts of how difficult and exhausting it is.

On the other hand, I have also witnessed the joy of raising children. The pride at the first steps, that first school graduation, children showed empathy because of their parent's example. There was so much beauty, exhaustion, pain, joy, and a million other emotions, and I exposed myself to every single one of them that I could.

My husband and I have struggled with this decision for years. It’s been a constant topic of conversation, and at one point we were certain that there would be no children.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when our decision shifted or things changed. There simply came a time when we decided what we wanted, and our future involved the possibility of adding another member to our family.

The future owes us no promises and there are no guarantees, but I am excited to see where this journey leads us, and that I can feel fully confident in our decision.