How I Made Friends as an Adult After Moving to a City Where I Knew No One

A little over three years ago, I moved to New York without knowing a soul. I spent the majority of my time doing things alone , and it wasn’t until months later that I was like, Okay, I should probably try to make some friends . Years later, I feel like I can finally say that I have a pretty solid social circle.

Wear It With Friends

It’s a little embarrassing to admit, but it took over 1,095 days for me to feel like I had a decent amount of friends. Weirdly enough, no one really talks about how difficult it is to form friendships as an adult. Compared to childhood, it seems like a very ambitious endeavor. Perhaps this is because as children, we are afforded the commodity of time. “Making friends often comes from spending long periods of time with people,” psychotherapist Sarah Lee told StyleCaster. “So I think finding the time and also finding like minded people can be tricky. Work, family and childcare commitments can all make it hard to prioritize finding friends.”

It can also just be pretty scary to put yourself out there. Fear of rejection is extremely real, which can ultimately stop us from doing something as simple as introducing ourselves to others. Luckily, there’s good news for those who feel intimidated by striking up conversations with strangers.

“Research shows that people concentrate on themselves far more than the other person when they meet someone new,” Lee explained. “It can help to remember that people are unlikely to be judging you as much you imagine!”

For all of these reasons and more, I didn’t make friends overnight. I spent months trying to meet new people; I used friendship apps, attempted to convert coworkers into friends, and tried as best as I could to “put myself out there.” Below, I’ve outlined the lengths I’ve gone to in my efforts to make friends. And while some methods didn’t result in sustained friendships, they were still great ways of forming new connections.

I took a chance on Bumble BFF

Whenever I tell people that I actually met two of my closest friends on Bumble BFF , they are a little surprised. Maybe it’s because finding love on a dating app is already pretty rare, most people can’t imagine the odds would be any better for making friends.

I’m here to debunk that myth. There are tons of people on Bumble BFF— people who are actively seeking friends—which makes it the best app to join if you want an easy way to meet other people. And the apps aren’t limited to Bumble. If you’re in New York, there’s also an app called Kndrd , which lets you join in on someone else’s plans. And if going out to dinner with 5 strangers sounds like fun to you, Timeleft is your platform.

I found a hobby I love

A few years ago, it dawned on me that I had no real hobbies. I loved going to restaurants, checking out new coffee shops, and window-shopping, but like, so does everyone else. So, is that really a hobby? I later realized that this was a big obstacle in my quest to make friends.

It wasn’t until very recently, when I got back into reading, that I discovered the many opportunities it opened up for connecting with people. In every city, there are tons of book clubs and other reading-related events where mingling is encouraged. Earlier this year, I went to an event with Reading Rhythms , a “reading party” for book lovers, where I was able to meet some like-minded people.

And of course, the same concept applies for virtually every hobby. If you love cooking, consider joining a cookbook club in your area. Sports enthusiasts might enjoy participating in a rec league, and if you’re a creative person, check out art classes nearby.

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I asked friends to connect me with their friends

There’s that saying, “My friends are your friends.” And like, thank you to whoever coined that phrase. I met one of my closest New York friends all because a mutual friend from college connected us on Instagram. The rest was history.

Chances are, you’ll likely already have things in common with friends of friends, making getting to know them way smoother of a process compared to someone you just met.

I tried to strike up conversations at coffee shops

I would consider myself pretty introverted, so perhaps more outgoing people would have an easier time with this one than I did. After watching several TikToks on “how to make friends in the wild,” I tried to make it a goal to compliment people, which seemed to be the most effortless way to break the ice.

I didn’t necessarily make new friends by doing this, but I did end up talking to a lot of people. It was great social practice, and I’m sure, if I did this more often, I’d meet someone I had a lot in common with. Of course, I should disclaim that you shouldn’t do this with people who seem like they’re busy or don’t want to be disturbed.

I volunteered at a local animal shelter

I love cats, so I thought, what better group of people is there to make friends with than other cat lovers? The great thing about volunteering is that there are always volunteers of all ages, so I made some really great connections with people I probably never would have met in my day-to-day life. Plus, I got to hang out with cute kittens all day.

There are tons of other ways to volunteer, too. Consider working at soup kitchens, helping out with local parks, or signing up for beach clean-ups. You’ll likely meet some really great people, and you can feel great about helping out your community.

I went to work events

For the first year I lived in New York, I really made an effort to go to any team-bonding event with my coworkers. I’d definitely recommend doing this, as its one of the most effortless ways to make friends. I mean, think about it. These are people you likely already see at least a few times a week, so the friendships can be easily maintained. Plus, having friends you can gossip talk with in the office is always fun.

Reflecting on my friendship journey, I can tell you that building them takes time and effort. Marissa Moore , a licensed mental health counselor, frequently advises her patients on this topic and emphasized the importance of patience. “Building meaningful friendships takes time, and that’s okay,” she told StyleCaster, adding, “Not every acquaintance will turn into a close friend, and that’s normal too. It’s important to focus on quality over quantity; A few deep, meaningful connections can be far more fulfilling than a large network of superficial acquaintances.”

She also highly recommends being “proactive about reaching out.” “It can feel awkward at first, but sometimes you need to be the one to initiate,” she explained. “Don’t be afraid to suggest a coffee or lunch with someone you’ve met a few times and clicked with. It might feel a bit like dating, but making friends as an adult often requires a bit more intentional effort.”