Coping After Losing a Loved One to Cancer
- Fashion designer and filmmaker Tom Ford lost his beloved husband and throat cancer warrior Richard Buckley back in 2021, when their son Jack, who was born via surrogate in 2012, was just 9 years old.
- Since Buckley’s passing, Ford had to take on parenthood alone, which he has since admitted to getting “pretty good” at managing. His son is now 11 years old.
- Grief is a difficult, truly personal process, something Ford has shown. Some find solace in vulnerability and sharing how they feel with others.
- While working through grief and vulnerable tackling of the emotions that accompany it, some find tools like therapy to be helpful. For others, support groups or turning to faith may be helpful.
- Whichever methods of support you look for after loss, you should know that there is no correct way to grieve. There is no perfect timeline for grieving, either.
Iconic fashion designer and filmmaker Tom Ford, who has a net worth of $2.2 billion, says he's gotten "pretty good" at managing single-parenthood to his son Jack after his beloved husband, fashion editor Richard Buckley, passed away three years ago. Although it's been difficult coping with the loss of his partner, a stage 4 throat cancer warrior who passed away from natural causes on September 19, 2021, Ford has remained strong in continuing to be a good father to their now 11-year-old son Jack.
Ford and Buckley welcomed their son Alexander "Jack" John Buckley Ford via surrogate on September 23, 2012, two years before they wed in a private ceremony, according to
People. At the time of their wedding, the loving duo had been partners for 27 years. Additionally, Jack was born in Los Angeles, California, and is being raise there by Ford. Speaking to
Vogue’s Andre Leon Talley. back in 2013, Ford admitted his son "has a very long fancy name" and has been nicknamed Jack. He also noted, "I didn't have a child because I wanted to hand him off to somebody. I had a child because I've always wanted a child." Ford also opened up to Vogue about him and Jack's morning routine, and how it changed after Buckley's death. "I feed him in the morning, I change his diaper, I dress him, I play with him, and I have a good two-to-three hours before I go to the office, just me and Jack," he explained. He later told
The Wall Street Journal , that the transition into single-parenthood hasn't been easy.
More Resources On Coping With Loss
"It's been hard after 35 years, very hard," Ford said. "I keep thinking, oh, God, I have to call Richard, or I need to send him a note about this. And he’s not here.
"Until recently, I had Richard to help me out in the mornings. It's been a little bit of a struggle the last month because he would normally get [Jack's] breakfast on school days while I was getting dressed."
RELATED: The Toughest Conversations: Losing a Spouse to Cancer Ford added, "I've gotten pretty good at it, but it's a challenge to get him up, dressed, get his lunch made, get his lunch packed, get his breakfast done, get all my things done, and then I drive him to school at 7:45. “But it also means I’m at my office by 8:10, so I get a good start to the day." The fashion guru, who launched his own bran in 2005 and formerly was employed as the creative director at Gucci and Yves Saint Laurent, also told the Wall Street Journal, he has some strict clothing rules for his son during his school years. He said, "You know, I don’t let Jack wear shorts to school, and the other kids are in shorts. On the one hand, I feel that maybe I have to give into it just because I don’t want him to be ostracized because he doesn’t have on shorts. "But I’ll say to him, 'You’re never wearing shorts to school. Don’t ask again. Not happening. When you turn 18, you can wear whatever you want,'" Ford added. 'It was only recently that I let him wear T-shirts with stuff printed on it."
Richard Buckley's Battle With Throat Cancer
Richard Buckley was diagnosed with throat cancer in 1989, at a time when Tom Ford was able to nurse him back to health after doctors said the disease would be fatal. The loving dup had been together for approximately three years at that point. Buckley told
The New York Times in a 2019 interview that it was an arduous task after he underwent radiation, adding that Ford had also seen him through “more bouts of pneumonia than I can count.” Ford not only saw him through those bouts but helped him conquer them in style by designing gray merino wool turtleneck dickeys with keyhole slits and a black silk scarf with slits for Buckley’s tracheostomy tube. Ford was also incredible loyal and didn't make time for those wanting to gossip about Buckley’s health. “When I got throat cancer in ’89, there were people who Tom cut out of our lives because of the way they responded,” Buckley said in a
2011 interview with Out. “My best friend and one of my mentors had died … both from AIDS, and there were a lot of people who just assumed that I had AIDS, and there were some people who wouldn’t come visit me because they were sure they would catch it. And Tom just cut them out – wouldn’t even speak to them if he ran into them on the street.” It was a representative for Ford who announced the news of Buckley’s passing. "It is with great sadness that Tom Ford announces the death of his beloved husband of 35 years, Richard Buckley," read the brief statement. "Richard passed away peacefully at their home in Los Angeles last night with Tom and their son Jack by his side. He died of natural causes after a prolonged illness."
Understanding Throat Cancer
Throat cancer is a type of head and neck cancer where cancerous cells begin in the throat, voice box or tonsils. Some of the main risk factors for this disease include smoking, drinking alcohol, a diet lacking in fruits or vegetables, acid reflux disease and the human papillomavirus (HPV). So, one way to decrease the chances of developing the disease is to get the HPV vaccine.
Adding His Voice to the Chorus — Artist and Throat Cancer Survivor Michael Rees Gets Behind HPV Vaccine Awareness The
American Cancer Society recommends that boys and girls get the HPV vaccine between ages 9 and 12. The organization also stresses that teens and young adults through age 26 who are not already vaccinated should get the HPV vaccine as soon as possible. According to the
Centers for Disease Control & Prevention , “About 85% of people will get an HPV infection in their lifetime. Vaccinating all 11–12-year-olds can protect them long before they are ever exposed. CDC recommends two doses of HPV vaccine for all adolescents at age 11 or 12 years.”
Dr. Jessica Geiger, a medical oncologist at Cleveland Clinic Cancer Center, explains the link between throat cancer and HPV in a previous interview with SurvivorNet.
Get the Facts: HPV Can Cause Cancer In Men Too “There are no screening guidelines to screen for throat cancer, unlike cervical cancer with pap smears. And there are no standard tests to determine if you harbor the (HPV) virus,” Dr. Geiger said. “However, there is no concern that you’re going to spread this cancer to your partner or to anyone else, because at this point your partner has already been exposed to the virus and likely cleared it.” There’s no yearly screening for throat cancer, so doctors often discover the disease when a patient sees them with symptoms that may point to it.
Some symptoms include: - A cough
- Changes in your voice
- Difficulty swallowing
- Ear pain
- A lump or sore that doesn’t heal
- A sore throat
- Weight loss
It’s important to note, however, that these symptoms are not exclusive to throat cancer. Still, you should always see a doctor if you have any changes to your health.
Moving Through Grief
Grief is a difficult, truly personal process, something Tom Ford has portrayed. Some find solace in vulnerability and sharing how they feel with others.
Therapy Saved My Life’: After Losing A Loved One, Don’t Be Afraid To Ask For Help While working through grief and vulnerable tackling of the emotions that accompany it, some
find tools like therapy to be helpful.
Support groups can also be a benefit for those who are feeling isolated in their feelings of grief, as can turning to faith. Whichever methods of support you look for after cancer loss, you should know that there is no correct way to grieve. There is no perfect timeline for grieving, either.
Surviving the Loss of a Partner
Fighting your own cancer battle is one of the toughest experiences in life; watching the disease take someone you love is a different kind of pain. In some cases, a spouse with cancer can take proactive steps to talk about what might come after. John Duberstein, who lost his wife, writer Nina Riggs, to metastatic triple negative breast cancer told SurvivorNet that while he was watching her suffer from the disease, he couldn’t help but wish things could go back to normal — but Riggs had already embraced her new normal. “I really wanted things to go back to normal, whatever that meant,” Duberstein said. “She was not for that. She wanted to embrace the existence that she had, even before she knew she was going to die imminently. I did not want to talk about what was going to happen with me after Nina died. Nina is the one that really brought it up, she brought it up a number of times.” Duberstein explained that even with the pain of losing his wife, and even though he didn’t want to talk about it at the time, he’s so glad they had those seemingly uncomfortable conversations. “In retrospect, I can’t even explain how glad I am that I had that.” This is a reminder that having those uncomfortable and painful conversations with your partner can be fundamental to your well-being as you move forward in the grieving process, alleviating the guilt felt in starting to date again, and/or eventually marry.
Dealing With Grief After a Cancer Diagnosis Contributing: SurvivorNet Staff 
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