Dear Dakota: Husband's Refusal to Brush Teeth Reveals Deeper Issues

Dear Dakota,

I've been married for several years, and there's one problem that has steadily eroded our relationship: my husband's dental hygiene, or rather, the lack of it. From the beginning, his breath has been less than pleasant, and the buildup on his teeth is hard to ignore.

Photo byNational Cancer InstituteonUnsplash

I finally gathered the courage to bring it up, hoping it might improve our intimacy, which has been suffering because I avoid kissing him at all costs.

When I finally broached the topic, he admitted that he doesn't brush his teeth but flat-out refused to change, insisting that the real problem is that I'm cold and unloving. This conversation didn't go well, and over time, our relationship has only deteriorated.

He feels rejected because of the lack of intimacy, and I feel rejected because he won't do this small thing that would make a huge difference for me.

Despite my suggestions to see a dentist or try couples therapy, he’s refused. He only brushes his teeth right before intimacy, but it’s too little, too late—his teeth still look terrible, and frankly, it doesn’t solve the problem. We're now on the brink of divorce, even with therapy, because he continues to believe there's some deeper issue at play, not his lack of dental care.

I just can’t wrap my head around it—if intimacy is important to him, why not take care of something as basic as brushing his teeth? He says I’m the one rejecting him, but how can I get past something that’s so off-putting? Am I being unreasonable here? Wouldn't anyone else be bothered by this? - Freshly Minted

Dear Freshly Minted,

First off, let me just say that it's a little unsettling that a grown man needs a reminder about the basics of dental hygiene. The fact that this issue has lingered for so long is more than just a bad breath problem—it's a breakdown in communication and respect. It’s clear that his refusal to brush his teeth isn’t just about avoiding toothpaste; it’s about avoiding what really matters to you.

So, here’s the thing: No, you’re not being unfair. If anything, you’ve been extremely patient. Everyone deserves a partner who takes care of themselves, not just for their own well-being, but out of consideration for the person they share their life with. It’s not unreasonable to expect that your spouse does the bare minimum, like brushing his teeth, especially when it’s affecting your desire to be close to him.

He might not see this as a big deal, but let’s be honest—who wants to get intimate with someone whose mouth could double as a science experiment? His unwillingness to address this issue shows a lack of empathy and effort, which is the real problem here.

Now, instead of harping on the obvious solution (because, honestly, that ship sailed when he refused to use a toothbrush), focus on what this represents in your relationship. His resistance to change isn’t just about teeth—it’s about him not valuing your needs. The question you need to ask yourself is: Do you want to continue being with someone who dismisses your feelings and refuses to meet you halfway?

In the end, dental hygiene is a small thing with big implications. It’s a symptom of something deeper—his reluctance to compromise or even acknowledge that your feelings matter. If he’s not willing to address such a simple request, it’s not surprising that you’re considering the bigger picture, which might include your future without him.

Remember, marriage should be about partnership, not stubbornly clinging to bad habits. It’s time for him to brush up on his priorities—or you might just brush him off entirely.

https://www.fountainsdentalexcellence.com/skipping-one-night-of-brushing-wont-hurt-right/