The Myth That Only One Person is Responsible for a Relationship’s Failure

In most relationship breakdowns, the narrative often casts one person as the villain. But real-life relationships aren't a tidy episode of “good vs. evil.” Blaming just one partner for a relationship’s collapse simplifies an incredibly complex and nuanced situation, turning it into a black-and-white problem when, in truth, both partners contribute to the dynamic—positively or negatively.

Here are some of the less obvious ways both people play a role in a relationship's demise, beyond the usual finger-pointing.

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1. Emotional Mismatches Go Unaddressed

People often think communication breakdowns are all about arguments or silence. But what about emotional mismatches that are never addressed? You may have one partner who’s comfortable with emotional vulnerability and another who avoids it. When this mismatch is ignored, it sets the stage for resentment.

Partner A might feel emotionally neglected, while Partner B feels overwhelmed by the need for deeper connection. Neither side communicates what they need, and both end up unsatisfied. Blaming one person in this case misses the point entirely—it’s about emotional attunement, which takes two to manage.

2. The Comfort Trap

Staying in your comfort zone can silently wreck a relationship. While the phrase "I’m just being myself" sounds empowering, it can become a dangerous excuse for complacency. Over time, both people can fall into routines that feel cozy but become limiting.

Maybe one person stops trying to grow or evolve, and the other gets stuck in a loop of over-accommodating or pulling back. Both partners gradually settle into a stagnant state, where growth, excitement, and effort are no longer mutual. The comfort trap can lead to mutual discontent, but instead of pointing fingers, it’s crucial to recognize that it took two people to slip into this pattern.

3. Failure to Recognize Power Imbalances

We’re not talking about abusive dynamics, but subtler forms of power that develop naturally in relationships. One person might become the “decision-maker” by default, while the other falls into a more passive role.

This imbalance often flies under the radar because it happens gradually. But over time, the passive partner might feel voiceless, and the more dominant partner can feel burdened by always having to steer the ship. Neither side intended to create this dynamic, but both contribute to it by not acknowledging or challenging the imbalance early on.

4. Unconscious Role-Playing

In many long-term relationships, couples unknowingly fall into roles that don’t necessarily serve them. One partner becomes the caregiver, while the other assumes the role of being cared for. One becomes the responsible one, while the other is the “free spirit.”

These roles might work for a while, but over time they create expectations that neither person signed up for. Resentment builds on both sides—the caregiver feels overburdened, while the free spirit feels suffocated. This isn’t about one person being selfish or the other being a martyr; it’s about two people unconsciously playing roles they’ve outgrown.

5. The Silent Erosion of Intimacy

It’s easy to notice big fights, but what about the quiet erosion of intimacy? Maybe one partner stops sharing their thoughts at the end of the day, or the other becomes less physically affectionate.

Neither change seems significant in isolation, but together, they chip away at the closeness that once defined the relationship. It’s easy to blame one partner for being "cold" or "distant," but the truth is that intimacy is a two-way street. If both people aren’t actively nurturing it, the bond frays.

6. Unmet Expectations (That Were Never Vocalized)

Unspoken expectations are relationship killers that many people don’t even realize they have. One partner might expect the other to step up in certain ways—financially, emotionally, or socially—without ever clearly expressing those needs.

When those expectations inevitably go unmet, frustration and disappointment grow. Both partners are at fault here: one for not expressing their needs, and the other for not recognizing that there were unspoken needs in the first place. Expecting someone to be a mind reader only leads to frustration for both people involved.

7. Growth at Different Paces

People evolve, and so do their needs and desires. But it’s rare for both partners to grow at the same rate or in the same direction. One person might be on a fast track to self-discovery, while the other prefers to remain more stable and grounded.

This discrepancy can feel like the relationship is out of sync, with one partner accusing the other of “changing” too much, and the other feeling held back. The truth is, both partners need to understand that individual growth is inevitable—and it’s how they handle this growth together that determines the success of the relationship.

8. The Fantasy of the ‘Perfect Match’

Many couples fall into the trap of believing they should be each other’s “perfect match”—effortlessly meeting every need, desire, and expectation. This myth sets unrealistic standards. If one partner feels like they’re not living up to these expectations, they can easily become the scapegoat for the relationship’s failure.

But the pressure to be perfect isn’t on one person—it’s a shared expectation that sets both partners up for disappointment. Both need to let go of the fantasy and accept that healthy relationships are messy, full of compromise, and far from perfect.

9. Unresolved Past Baggage

Old wounds from previous relationships often sneak their way into new ones. Whether it’s trust issues, abandonment fears, or unresolved trauma, both partners bring their past into the present.

When one person’s baggage triggers the other’s insecurities, it creates a cycle of blame, suspicion, or detachment. It’s not about who’s more damaged; it’s about recognizing that everyone comes with emotional history, and both partners must work through it together rather than letting it fester.

10. Resentment from Emotional Labor

In many relationships, emotional labor—managing feelings, planning dates, remembering anniversaries, and ensuring the relationship’s emotional health—falls disproportionately on one partner.

The other might not even realize this invisible work is happening until resentment builds up.

It’s easy to say the partner who “didn’t care enough” is at fault, but emotional labor, like everything else in a relationship, requires two people to acknowledge and balance it.

Relationship’s Failure is a Shared Responsibility

Pointing fingers is easy, but real growth comes from understanding that both partners contribute to the success or failure of a relationship. It’s rarely about one person being wholly right or wrong.

Relationships are complex ecosystems, and both people play an active role in shaping that environment—for better or worse. Recognizing the shared responsibility helps couples approach their challenges from a place of understanding, rather than blame, which can ultimately lead to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

https://psychcentral.com/pro/recovery-expert/2017/10/the-myth-of-it-takes-two-to-ruin-a-relationship

https://www.chumplady.com/the-myth-of-the-50-50-marriage/