The Lie of ‘The One’: Why Believing in Soulmates Can Ruin Your Love Life

We’ve all heard the fairy tale: somewhere out there, your perfect match exists. All you need to do is find them, and everything will fall into place. This notion of “The One” feels romantic and comforting, but it’s one of the most toxic beliefs that can sabotage your love life in ways you might not expect.

Here’s why.

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1. You Stop Trying Too Early

When you believe in soulmates, the temptation to coast once you’ve found someone you click with is high. You assume that because they're "The One," the relationship will naturally take care of itself. But love isn’t magic—it requires constant effort.

Just because you feel an initial spark doesn’t mean the flame will burn forever on its own. Real connection grows through mutual effort, communication, and compromise, not a mythical soulmate connection that does all the heavy lifting.

This mindset often makes people neglect their relationship’s maintenance, believing any challenges or conflicts are signs they’re not with the “right” person, rather than normal bumps along the way.

2. You Overlook Compatibility

Believing in a soulmate often makes people focus on the wrong traits, like instant chemistry or superficial similarities, and ignore practical compatibility. Do your values align? Do you have similar goals for your future? Do you approach finances, family, and lifestyle in ways that can coexist?

The “soulmate” fantasy suggests that love is enough to overcome anything. Spoiler: it’s not. Compatibility in the mundane, everyday aspects of life is what keeps love alive when the honeymoon phase ends.

3. You Idealize, Then Resent Your Partner

When you buy into the idea of “The One,” you idealize your partner in the early stages, assuming they’ll meet every emotional, physical, and mental need. But no one person can fulfill every part of you. They have flaws, they’ll make mistakes, and they won’t always be there in the exact way you envision. Expecting perfection sets up both of you for failure.

Over time, this can morph into resentment. When your partner inevitably fails to live up to your unrealistic expectations, you feel betrayed, as if they’ve suddenly become someone else. The problem isn’t that they’ve changed; it’s that your idealized vision never matched reality to begin with.

4. You Avoid Learning From Failed Relationships

The soulmate myth encourages people to view every breakup as a tragic end rather than an opportunity for growth. If that person wasn’t “The One,” you can easily brush off the entire relationship as a waste of time, believing your true soulmate is still out there.

This mindset prevents you from doing the hard work of self-reflection that comes from the end of a relationship—what went wrong, what you contributed to the failure, and what you need to work on in the future.

Viewing past relationships as stepping stones rather than dead ends is critical. Every connection teaches you something valuable about yourself and what you want in a partner. Soulmate thinking denies you those lessons.

5. You Get Trapped in "Fate" Thinking

Believing in soulmates often intertwines with a belief in fate. People start thinking that if someone is meant for them, they’ll end up together no matter what. This mindset promotes a dangerous kind of passivity. You stop taking responsibility for your role in the relationship, thinking fate will handle the difficult parts.

Whether that means waiting for someone to magically appear in your life or refusing to walk away from a toxic relationship, believing “The One” will somehow make everything right can keep you stuck.

Love is a choice. Every day, you choose to invest in your partner, in yourself, and in the relationship. Waiting around for fate to deliver your soulmate means you risk missing out on real, authentic love that could have blossomed through conscious effort.

6. You Dismiss Real Love as "Not Enough"

The concept of “The One” suggests that love should always feel euphoric and all-consuming. So, when real love—stable, committed, sometimes boring—comes along, it doesn’t seem grand enough. People end up dismissing healthy, steady relationships because they lack the intensity that’s often mistaken for soulmate-level passion.

This leads to a constant cycle of chasing the next high. Instead of nurturing a solid relationship, you find yourself thinking, “This isn’t it,” and moving on in search of something more. But love isn’t about constant excitement; it’s about showing up, even on the mundane days. Real love builds quietly, often without fireworks, but with a steady flame that doesn’t easily burn out.

7. You Close Yourself Off to Multiple Loves

Believing in the idea of “The One” denies the possibility that you could have more than one deep, fulfilling relationship in your lifetime. The reality is, most of us will have different kinds of loves with different people, and each will teach us something valuable. Some relationships may be for a season, while others last a lifetime, but that doesn’t diminish their importance or impact.

When you lock yourself into soulmate thinking, you shut yourself off from the potential to experience love in its many forms. You might miss out on wonderful relationships because you’re too focused on finding someone who fits an idealized mold.

Conclusion: Stop Chasing "The One," Start Building Real Love

The idea of “The One” seems romantic, but it’s a fairy tale that can leave you feeling dissatisfied, stuck, or chasing an illusion. Real love isn’t about finding someone who magically completes you. It’s about building something meaningful with another imperfect human being, growing together through effort, communication, and commitment.

So, let go of the soulmate myth. Stop waiting for “The One” and start recognizing that love—real love—is a choice and an action, not a matter of fate or perfection. The moment you start living that truth, you open yourself up to relationships that are deeper, richer, and far more satisfying than any fairy tale ever promised.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgKCElufGW4

https://mommymystic.wordpress.com/2017/05/04/why-not-to-believe-in-soulmates/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201207/why-you-shouldnt-believe-in-soul-mates