Tampa Bay’s hottest look for fall is a flooded mess | Column

Now that it’s September, large swaths of the country are transitioning into a fall aesthetic, pulling out chunky sweaters and buttery boots, getting buzzed on Pumpkin Spice Lattes and buying velveteen gourds from the Target dollar section. How lovely for them, congratulations.

In subtropical Tampa Bay, we have never been able to relate to such a harsh seasonal shift. However, recent record rainfall events that pummeled the region, swamped high-ground neighborhoods and left drivers pulling three-point turns on the highway have drawn an even starker contrast between vibes. We are not only knee-deep in hurricane season tracking five systems, we’re in peak rainy season. In some waterlogged areas desperate for infrastructure improvements, even a sprinkle can strike fear into hearts.

So, no, we’re not ready for felt hats and plaid shirts. We must tap into a different persona, stylistically speaking, a transitional look to adopt until the precious day we ascend to the plane of low-humidity strolls, light layering and capable drainage systems.

For your consideration, the Irate Rain Gremlin starter pack:

First, grab a hooded rain jacket, the uglier the better. When zipped, the basic bodily outline should call to mind an overfed housecat with a thyroid problem. The hood should close so tightly that only a bit of face remains exposed. This eliminates the need for makeup, hair care or grooming of any kind, pointless while bailing water out of the doorway.

Sprinkle in some shoes that don’t matter. Please believe that no one in Florida is walking around in full rubber boots all day; in the hours it’s not raining, we are still toiling under swampy heat advisories. The footwear of choice as we accumulate two-thirds of our annual precipitation should be lifeless gray sneakers, something worthy of sacrifice to that day’s surprise splash of untreated wastewater.

When accessorizing, choose from umbrellas in three sizes. One should always be ready to balance an outfit with a chic mini brolly, a mid-sized nightstick with a cane handle or a jumbo promotional golf shade bearing the logo from a local SAVINGS AND LOAN. The latter should have a literal spear on the end for survival in the streets.

Last, sling on a waterproof laptop bag filled with notebooks and pencils. We all know ink runs in the rain, but it’s time for you, Gremlin, to activate. Notetaking will be vital as you fold up that SAVINGS AND LOAN umbrella in the foyer of City Hall and sip from a warm libation of words like “sewage and drainage systems” and “overdevelopment” and “Stormwater Master Plan.” Get ready to learn the definitions of a “swale” and a “backflow preventer.” Prepare to advocate for preservation of green space that can both soak up the increasing rainfall of a warming planet and serve as a pleasant base for that upcoming crisp fall walk. Then, maybe, it will finally be time for a sweet and spicy latte.

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