When Life Feels Too Busy for Friendship

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Lately, my friends and I have been talking about a euphoric feeling you might call the “post-rescheduling thrill.” It’s what happens when you have dinner plans with a friend, possibly on a cold or rainy weeknight, and they text you a few hours before to say that something has come up, or they’re not feeling well, and could you reschedule? To be clear, you do want to see this friend; but the moment they tell you they can’t make it, the new possibilities of your night unfold before you: You can do your laundry; you can go to bed early; you can spend quality time with your partner.

American life often feels too busy for seeing our friends. And if that’s at times true for the childless young Millennials in my own cohort, it’s even more true for parents or those with elder-care responsibilities. My colleague Olga Khazan wrote earlier this week that the loneliness crisis in America is more complicated than meets the eye; it’s not exactly that Americans don’t have friends, but instead that they’re not seeing the friends they do have. Or, as Olga puts it: “The typical American, it seems, texts a bunch of people ‘we should get together!’ before watching TikTok alone on the couch and then passing out.”

Today’s newsletter explores how to move beyond “We should get together!” and the post-rescheduling thrill, and pursue friendships that mold themselves to your particular stage in life.

On Friendship

The Friendship Paradox

By Olga Khazan

We all want more time with our friends, but we’re spending more time alone.

Read the article.

Why Americans Suddenly Stopped Hanging Out

By Derek Thompson

Too much aloneness is creating a crisis of social fitness.

Read the article.

Why You Never See Your Friends Anymore

By Judith Shulevitz

Our unpredictable and overburdened schedules are taking a dire toll on American society.

Read the article.

Still Curious?

• The scheduling woes of adult friendship : To avoid the dreaded back-and-forth of coordinating hangouts, some friends are repurposing the shared digital calendar, a workplace staple, to plan their personal lives, Tori Latham wrote in 2019.
• Pay a little less attention to your friends : Intensity might seem like a fast track to connection, but shared distraction might be more powerful, Richard A. Friedman argued in 2023.

Other Diversions

• Six underrated hobbies to try out
• Inside the dangerous, secretive world of extreme fishing
• The last social network

P.S.

I recently asked readers to share a photo of something that sparks their sense of awe in the world. Kate Schecter, 65, writes, “This is a seagull at Lake Michigan that kept poking around my feet. I was amazed at its beauty and brazenness.”

— Isabel