If you’re doing the work, you know the significance of Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
Yes, it’s about awareness. October is set aside to connect with the public, in unison, about ending gender-based violence.
That’s where far too many of us — primarily men — are remaining silent.
My own eyes have witnessed it: Women are the most visible and numerous front-line advocates. Women have always and continue to raise their voices, demand change and educate communities. Women are volunteering their time to help survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault.
Men have largely stayed on the sidelines.
What does our silence imply? What does our inaction say to others? The data screams: problem.
Violence against women is a choice. So is looking the other way.
This is our issue.
And, for me, it’s personal.
I always remember my mother
When I was around 7 years old, my brother and I woke up to the worst sounds imaginable. Our mother’s screams. Fists hitting flesh. Her body slamming against the wall. Then, eventually, complete silence.
That was the first time, but not the last. My mother’s boyfriend continued his abuse for years. I carry memories of finding her crumpled in puddles of her own blood, again and again; memories of feeling hopeless and alone.
Our neighbors must have heard it. The thin walls in our Trenton, New Jersey, apartment complex couldn’t contain the violent acts happening behind them. We’d escape, knocking for help that never came. Not one person had the courage to intervene, or even to open their door for a battered woman and two scared kids.
The apathy of others perpetuated the violence in our home. There’s no other way to put it.
In sharing this story across the country — oftentimes with my wife, a survivor of domestic violence, and daughter, a survivor of sexual assault — my challenge is to men, the vast majority of whom are good, values-oriented people, to do more.
When it comes to domestic violence in the United States, we’re the neighbors choosing not to get involved. By taking on that role, we’re allowing a small fraction of men — the abusers — to own the narrative of unchecked, male-perpetrated violence and terror.
Worse, we’re maintaining the status quo.
Just look at the statistics: Up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence each year. Boys who witness domestic violence are two times as likely to abuse their partners or children later in life.
A woman is beaten every nine seconds in America. One in three women have suffered intimate partner violence. Nearly 20% of teenage girls say their boyfriends have threatened harm when facing a breakup. Three women are murdered by an intimate partner each day on average — almost one-third of all reported female homicide victims.
Each number represents someone’s partner, mother, daughter, cousin or friend.
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It's time for men to take action
There are multiple ways to be allies and champions around ending domestic violence and sexual assault. Taking action isn’t as difficult as people may think.
Volunteer some time to work at a local shelter. Get involved with a national organization like the Joe Torre Safe at Home Foundation or A Call to Men . Identify seven other men who will also volunteer their time.
Learn how to speak with survivors so you’re not unknowingly revictimizing them or causing harm.
Advocate for stronger policies with your employers and lawmakers.
Be a good example. Don’t laugh at jokes about violence against women or girls; confront other men who are disrespectful or abusive. Have the hard conversations with your coworkers, friends and family. Model healthy relationships.
Be an active bystander. If you witness an act of violence, try to create some separation, or call the authorities. If you suspect that someone is being abused, share with them the National Domestic Violence Hotline .
Own the issue. If you have a platform, speak out.
Last year, my family, in partnership with Niagara University, launched a study called the Vincent Commission to identify what young men know and don’t know about gender-based violence. The findings will inform recommendations for prevention, educational approaches and policy changes.
The research is ongoing. But I already know this in my heart: What we as a people tolerate, we won’t change. If men don’t step up and align with women who are deep into the work of intervention, prevention and support, this vicious cycle won’t end.
Today, during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, is a good time to start.
Having played 15 seasons in the NFL, Troy Vincent’s commitment to leadership over violence has anchored him as a nationally recognized voice for those who have none or struggle to be heard. As a humanitarian and powerful advocate in the national campaign against domestic violence, sexual assault and child abuse, Troy and his wife, Tommi, have been honored by national organizations such as the Joe Torre Safe at Home Foundation; with Niagara University, they launched the Vincent Commission in 2023 to study how young men, through their thoughts and experiences, perceive domestic and gender-based violence.
This article originally appeared on NorthJersey.com: Opinion: Men, what does our silence imply? Let’s end domestic violence
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