Harvey Estes: Lightning mosquito might be a bright idea

I saw it on the internet, so it must be a great idea, like posting pictures of how people dress when they visit chain discount stores. Here is the idea, a great way to handle the war with some of our smallest enemies:

“Wish we could crossbreed mosquitoes and lightning bugs. Then at least we could see them coming.”

Of course I laughed when I read it, and perhaps others did too, even those who don’t share my twisted sense of humor.

More breeding ideas for an already overpopulated planet is always a crowd-pleaser. But I am an excessively practical person, as long as it doesn’t involve any actual work for me. So I began to look for flaws in this plan of attack.

What good would it do to see the lightning-mosquitoes coming?

They would still be smaller, faster and probably more maneuverable than us bulky family-size packs of bug snacks, aka, human beings. What good would it do to see the face of my attacker? Well, I guess it would actually be the backside of my attacker, insect anatomy being what it is.

Maybe it would be like tiny assailants mooning me before they bite this too, too solid flesh.

And anyway, how do you crossbreed insects? It would probably be rather expensive to manufacture tiny little boxes of chocolates and miniature bouquets of roses. Not to mention, how do you teach the males to use them properly?

Very few males of our own species know how to handle this, so it seems reasonable to assume that some continuing education course would be necessary.

And it would also be costly to build tiny little motels for these inter-insectile interludes. And we would have to find another name; if the bugs know what a “roach motel” is, most of the rooms would remain vacant.

And of course we would have to build tiny little restaurants, malt shops and tanning salons so the bugs could socialize and get to know each other first. And movie theaters. And if we built drive-in theaters for them, then we would also have to provide the cars, which perhaps could open up a whole new market for the auto industry. Less material for each car, more buyers.

Sounds complicated. I bet a lot of folks would prefer the Jurassic Park approach: Trap ‘em in amber, stick a needle in and draw out whatever you need. And this could lead to another Jurassic Park movie, which we sorely need, since there are only six so far.

But maybe there’s an easier way. Maybe we could cross-breed mosquitoes with the bugs that smash themselves into the car windshield. (You know, it takes guts to do that.) Then the mosquitoes would inherit the self-destructive tendencies and get rid of themselves. Come to think of it, I have relatives that I would love to teach how to fly into a windshield. Not fatally, of course, just enough to take the hint and go home.

So that settles it. Let’s all work together to find creative ways to get rid of pests.