My daughter is cutting herself off from us since moving overseas. How do we cope?

My daughter moved overseas to take up a great corporate job, her first career role. She had been living locally with her partner. We had been seeing them for dinner or at concerts every two to three weeks and kept in touch with regular messages. When she went over for the job, I joined her to help get her settled, find an apartment, buy furniture and get utilities and moving sorted. She was grateful for this and it was a special time together.

Initially she called us weekly during her commute, which was pressured and noisy. A couple of months ago we had our last brief call, which she limited to 20 minutes. It felt like we were in a meeting. I have sent her messages once a week or so asking when we could speak, with no reply. I just started sharing news, including important news about my mum’s health. Our calls are unanswered and go to voicemail. One weekend I called and it rang out, so I rang again straight away. This must have annoyed her as she then blocked my phone. Last week I finally received a message saying she was well but that my messages stressed her out, that if she doesn’t respond I should respect that she doesn’t want to speak or is busy.

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We find her behaviour completely bewildering. We worry she is cutting herself off from us completely. We feel she doesn’t care about us or our feelings. We don’t know when we will next see her. It hurts that she finds keeping in touch with us somehow a burden. I have not been sleeping and think about her constantly. It is taking all the joy out of our lives. I would be grateful for some advice on how to cope with this awful situation?

Eleanor says: It sounds like your daughter feels overwhelmed by the prospect of staying in touch. The blocking, the request to leave her be, her report that messages are stressful: it sounds like this is a source of pressure she can’t accommodate right now, and the way she’s getting away from it is to have very little contact altogether.

You surely don’t mean to overwhelm her. The move must have been a huge life transition. And now she’s left this huge hole, without seeming to register how much it would hurt to drop out of contact right as you navigate this change. Well, it makes me want to put the kettle on for you.

People have really different expectations about how much contact is “right” between parents and adult children. Some people chat many times a week. Some people see their kids on holidays and birthdays only. Everybody finds everybody else’s arrangements baffling. Since expectations differ so much by age, background and culture, we have to start with the fact that she is overwhelmed, not whether or not she should be.

Because the problem is, once she feels too much is being asked of her, an interpretive lens comes down. Normally little messages like “Miss you!” or “Hope to talk soon!” would feel fine. But when overload sets in, everything seems like failure or remonstration. “When can we talk?” sounds like: “Here’s another expectation you haven’t met.” She’s starting a job, managing a move: your relationship can feel like just one more ball she’s not keeping in the air. Simple stuff like “I really miss you and want to hear from you” starts being interpreted as emotional blackmail.

Telling her how hurt you are now may confirm her sense that this relationship is high-pressure – a frightening site of possible failure. Sometimes, I think kids aren’t meant to get the proper accounting of their power to make or break your day, your life. It’s a lot for them (us?) to take on: “It makes me so happy when you’re around” can seem by logic to imply “you hurt me so much when you’re not”.

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To avoid locking you both in this dynamic long term, one question might be: can you shift the way this relationship seems to her, just at the minute? How can it feel less like a source of pressure and more like a source of comfort or fun? What would make her want to call? Perhaps there are ways to maintain the relationship that don’t require a lot of input from her, like saying “I’m thinking of you and sure you’re doing a great job, I know you’re busy, hope you get some time to yourself”, instead of trying to schedule something more. Could you suggest something low-stakes and low-input: watching a movie or a mutually loved TV show the same day? Playing a bit of Scrabble? Sending a video of her favourite animal? If it feels like the next time you speak has to be a reckoning or a conflict, that will give her more reason to avoid it.

If nothing’s different after she has settled in more, it might then be time to tell her you would like more substantial contact. But, for now, it sounds like associating your relationship with expectations, scheduling and disappointment risks making her want the relationship less.

Life transitions are almost always bumpy. It sounds like both of you think the other isn’t being fair. Sometimes – unevenly often, for parents – we have to set aside the resentment we are rationally allowed to feel, in favour of what will keep the relationship going.

This letter has been edited for length

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