You be the judge: should my boyfriend chill out and lounge around with me at the weekend?

The prosecution: Amanda

Paul will relax for a bit if I force him to, but he can’t wait to rush out the door and do stuff

Weekends are made for rest. It says so in the Bible. Our entire society is structured around a five-day working week. So I believe my irritation is justified when my boyfriend Paul wants to run around like a blue-arsed fly all Saturday and Sunday, and drag me along with him. He likes to optimise his weekend like he optimises the rest of his life – if he’s not learning something new or on the move, he feels like a failure. He works in finance and gets up early to get into the office, so at the weekend he finds it hard to switch off, whereas I am already in weekend mode by Friday morning.

My ideal weekend involves lying in bed reading the papers for half the day, walking our dog to a market, then going back to bed to luxuriate before having a bath and a mooch about. Repeat on Sunday, but maybe add in dinner with friends. I call it “nesting”. But Paul wants to plan everything. If I force him to relax, he will for a bit, but then feels guilty and rushes out the door to the gym or to meet friends.

My ideal weekend involves lying in bed and reading, walking our dog to a market, then going back to bed

We have lived together for three years, and I’d noticed how organised everything in Paul’s life was before this. I am definitely more laid-back and I appreciate the fire he has. But after moving in together, I realised that Paul can’t just go with the flow, ever. I find this especially egregious at the weekend. I’ve now made him plan his downtime, because if we don’t add it to the Google calendar, he literally won’t relax. It’s funny, but it’s also annoying. When I want to just do nothing or change my plans at the last minute, he’ll say: “It’s not in the calendar.”

One weekend we got into an argument because I didn’t want to get out of bed all Sunday. I’m a freelance architect and had endured a stressful project with a client so wanted to talk to no one. Paul said exercise and a pre-booked trip to this exhibition would pull me out of my slump, but I didn’t want to be told what to do. He ended up going out and leaving me all Sunday. I didn’t mind too much, but when he got back he was annoyed and I don’t think he had the right to be. Paul needs to learn how to sit with himself and not disturb me when I want to rest.

The defence: Paul

Amanda wants us to stay in pyjamas all weekend, but that is a complete waste of time in summer

I don’t think I over-optimise my life, I just like to have a plan for things. I enjoy plotting out my weekends because my time is precious. I work long hours in the week and I need to know what I’m doing at the weekend because I don’t want to waste my free time. I don’t see any problem with putting everything into a Google calendar, including my downtime. It helps me relax if I know I’ve set time aside for it, and also helps me prioritise my time with Amanda.

Amanda is the total opposite to me in that she doesn’t even want a schedule. She’s freelance and works very hard, so at the weekend she just wants to “nest” and then do something low-key, whereas I like to catch up on workouts at the gym and see what’s going on in our city or meet up with friends. I guess I’m generally more active than her, but I also just can’t laze around in bed all weekend – that is a complete waste of time.

I really do think that getting out of bed can help when you’re feeling stressed

I like some nesting. I’m not a monster. I like reading the paper in bed and cuddling up with Amanda for a couple of hours. But then I need to get up and do something else. Amanda often likes to stay in her pyjamas all weekend, except for the odd meal out, but in summer I find this really weird.

Maybe a compromise would be to plan something chilled, but ahead of time. That way Amanda won’t feel rushed or pressured, but we could still do something together that I’ve put in the diary. Or we could schedule some downtime but with a strict cut-off point, after which we’d do something different, or split up for a bit.

The time Amanda didn’t want to get out of bed was annoying because I’d got us tickets to a late museum night but she wanted to prioritise her “nesting.” I do respect her right to do what she wants, but I really do think that getting out of bed can help when you’re feeling stressed.

Amanda could pick up the pace a bit at the weekends – I think it would be good for her and we’d probably have a better time together.

The jury of Guardian readers

Should Paul join Amanda’s all-weekend pyjama party?

I’m sure Amanda has good intentions, but telling someone to relax isn’t very relaxing. Amanda can help Paul to examine why he feels the need to be constantly on the move in case it’s a way to avoid sitting with himself. But maybe he just loves doing stuff, which is entirely his right.
Nataliya, 30

Amanda is the guilty one. As the saying could go, “we’ll all be a long time resting”. Though in the interests of harmony, Paul should not come back from his museum trip annoyed.
Adrian, 66

I’m sorry, Paul, but I’m not seeing much compromise here. All Amanda wants is the occasional weekend with no plans, just relaxing. I get the impression she has bent over backwards to accommodate your needs and all she wants is a little in return. Who knows, you may enjoy doing nothing!
Nick, 57

Paul has a different definition of relaxation to Amanda – for her it’s lazing around doing nothing, for him it’s indulging in favourite non-working activities. Amanda will have to learn to compromise.
Christine, 50

Paul and Amanda have completely different interpretations of downtime. Compromise is key – have dinner together on Friday night, see friends on Sunday afternoon. To counter Amanda’s religious reference point: “The pillars of the temple stand apart” (Kahlil Gibran).
Vikki, 58

Now you be the judge

In our online poll, tell us: should Paul go with Amanda’s flow?

The poll closes on 15 August at 10am BST

Last week’s result

We asked whether Phil was being too generous with his offer to share the family garden with neighbours.

93% of you said Phil is guilty
7% of you said Phil is innocent