My friends never want to go out any more – and it’s making me feel lonely | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

I’m in my early 20s and graduated from university in July 2023. I’ve been lucky enough to find a good job, which I have enjoyed, but after breaking up with my long-term partner in January I have been lonely. This hasn’t been helped by the fact that my friendship group seemingly never wants to do anything at the weekend.

We’re a group of young professionals who have known each other for more than 10 years, living in a busy city where there’s always something going on. Despite this, for the last three weekend nights I have been stuck in my room doing nothing, due to a range of excuses, like “I’m buying a wardrobe”, “I’m tired” or simply no reply at all. This is making me quite depressed.

I have tried going to events alone and have had some success , but it is really bothering me that my closest friends are content to waste away their youth doing nothing at the weekend. I really feel as if I’m missing out. It’s not normal to be doing nothing on a Friday night .

How can I get over this feeling of missing out and loneliness?

First, I want to say well done for recognising and admitting how you feel; this is a really big step. I wondered how much time, prior to this, you have spent alone? It can take getting used to but is a useful skill.

I went to psychotherapist Mark Vahrmeyer with your letter, and he wanted first to assert how much you’ve achieved and also how much change you’ve been through: “You’ve graduated, found and enjoy your job, and your long term relationship has ended.”

When we go through periods of change we can find ourselves in a clearing in life, and that can feel scary (especially if you’re not used to being on your own). We look around and search for new meaning – but this can take time. I think there is a period of intense loneliness in your 20s that’s not often talked about. Leaving full-time education is a seismic change. What’s happening here is you’re looking to your friends to fill that hole, and that’s understandable, but it sounds as if they might be at different life stages even though you may be roughly the same age. “Perhaps your friends are doing what they want to do,” says Vahrmeyer. “It may just not be as exciting as what you’d like to be doing. Also, are you missing out? Or are you missing your friends?” What is it, exactly, you feel you’re missing out on?

It can feel easier to throw yourself into a busy social life rather than reflect on things – but this time can be golden

I wonder if you’ve allowed yourself to really process the end of your long relationship. It can feel easier to throw yourself into a busy social life rather than reflect on things, but this time can be golden as you really concentrate on yourself, your job and your friends – who are still your friends, remember, even if they are momentarily busy.

“There’s something,” says Vahrmeyer, “about critical change here, of ‘Who am I and what do I want to do?’ If you convince yourself your friends are not ‘normal’ for wanting to do what they are doing, that’s a convenient way of pushing them aside and not having to deal with the ambivalence of perhaps not being as tight knit as you were.”

Vahrmeyer thought it was great you were going to events alone – that’s brave and proactive. But also consider meeting up with your old friends in a different way. Maybe try meeting them at different times of the week, or offer to go round and help them with their wardrobe, or just watch TV with them – ways of keeping the friendship alive without having to be out and about. Maybe there’s a little compromise that needs to happen on both your parts. Do your friends know how you feel? Could you say to them you’d like to see them and ask how best to make that happen?

Friendships are rarely as parallel as they are when you’re in education together. They chicane out and meet again. You all experience life stages at different times and have different priorities. But hopefully you find new common ground, fed by the roots of that old friendship. Be patient.

• Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com . Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions .

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