The moment I knew: ‘He kissed me and I realised I’d been too quick to judge him’

When I first met Tony in Melbourne in 1985, he wasn’t actually someone I considered partner material, I didn’t think he was what I needed. But I was proved very wrong.

We were both in our mid-20s, we both knew what we were doing professionally and were enjoying our careers. We were both probably ready to meet someone and settle down, but it wasn’t that easy. Being from Queensland I didn’t have those connections you have when you’re native to a town; so I joined the local Anglican congregation. Tony was in a similar position.

He says the first time he saw me it was a summer evening service. Light was streaming through the window and it made it look as if my hair was on fire which he found fascinating. Between that and my unusual surname I’d apparently attracted his attention. But I was only vaguely aware of his existence.

Related: The moment I knew: he gave the homeless man his number in case he needed someone to talk to

One Sunday I’d had a really boring weekend and had entertained myself by reading a trashy paperback about Elizabeth Taylor. She’d just married her seventh husband and I was being a bit of a pain in the neck holding forth about “What kind of person could she be to get married seven times?” I didn’t really notice Tony on the periphery of that group but eventually he piped up to say he knew somebody who’d been married four times who was quite nice. I looked at him as if to say “Who are you?” when he said, “Yes, my father.” Well, I was just mortified by my own pomposity, slunk off and avoided him as much as I could.

Not long after, my own father died very suddenly. When Tony came up to me and expressed his condolences he was so kind and sincere. After that we slowly got to talking and a few weeks later I invited him and a few other people from church to a bush dance my work was holding.

After the dance he walked me home to my terrace house in Carlton and when I turned to shake his hand he kissed me. And that was that.

I realised then and there not only did I actually quite fancy him but just as I’d been naive in my judgment of old Liz, I’d been a bit too quick to judge him too. My perceptions of who might be a good partner for me quickly changed. I had fancifully thought I needed some macho type, but Tony was a very gentle, kind and extremely intelligent person. He had no need to control any situation and has proved to be a far better fit for me than I could have imagined.

Four months later he proposed. When he went to see his mother the next day to give her the news, she took her grandmother’s engagement ring – which was a pretty sizeable diamond – off her finger and told him to give it to me. I’d only met her a handful of times, but she approved of me and thought I was good wife material.

I was on shift as a physio at the old Victoria hospital when he came in to drop the ring off. Even though I’d already said yes and was very much in love, his mother’s gesture was extremely important to me. It was such a meaningful welcome to the family, especially since I was far from home and had just lost my father. That acceptance from his mum just made me all the more certain that I was on the right track. She was the most wonderful mother-in-law and we went on to have such a great relationship. I miss her still.

We’ve had three sons and a long and happy relationship for nearly 40 years. There’s a lesson in being open-minded here. When we are young we think we know it all and what’s best, but hasty judgments can close off amazing possibilities. I’m so glad Tony’s good humour and kindness brought me down a peg. He still does that to this day – in the nicest possible way. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me.

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