Starmer finds grateful TUC audience – and paltry Commons dissent on winter fuel allowance | John Crace

Sometimes it’s all about the little things. The details. Like actually bothering to turn up and show your face.

For the last 14 years the Tory government had always insisted it was on the side of the hard-working people of Britain. And yet in that time none of the five different prime ministers thought it worth their while making the hour-long train ride to Brighton to speak to the TUC conference. Or to even open a dialogue. Perhaps because they imagined that only slackers needed a union.

Ten weeks into his time of office, Keir Starmer became the first prime minister since Gordon Brown in 2009 to make the effort to address the TUC. And by and large the unions seemed pleased. Not just that he had come in person but also in what he had to say. Though what they got was pretty much the standard “tough choices” version. Keir could probably do this one by heart now. Sooner or later he’s going to have to write some new material. But not yet. This one still has legs.

You also probably know it by heart. I certainly do. If Keir ever needs a stand-in, this sketch writer is available. You might even stay awake. The Tories have wrecked the public finances. A £22bn black hole. This is going to hurt me far more than it hurts you. Always a lie that one. So there were hard decisions to be made . Ones that he wouldn’t duck. Because that would be the wrong thing to do. So bad luck to the pensioners for losing their winter fuel allowance.

But help is at hand. Because Labour is on the side of ordinary people. On the side of the unions. Ready to protect workers’ rights. Carry on for another 10 minutes in a vaguely sympathetic voice. And cut. Over and out. Take six questions from the floor to prove your sincerity. Then race for the train home. Thank you and goodnight.

It was enough to win Starmer a standing ovation that veered towards the polite rather than the enthusiastic. The unions appreciated the gesture but would wait to see how things panned out. Keir didn’t expect any different.

Back in London, Mel Stride was opening the debate on the winter fuel allowance. It was the closest to a live audition for the Tory leadership before the next round of voting later in the afternoon.

Poor Mel. Not just because he is totally without charisma. A born follower. He looks and sounds quite reasonable until you remember all the times in the past he has defended the indefensible as a government minister. There’s no real sign of intelligent life in his cerebral cortex. Dying on his arse comes much easier to him than thinking on his feet.

To be fair, it’s a bit of a struggle for all the Tories these days. There’s a whole new world order for them to grapple with. One where it really doesn’t matter what they do. Because their function is now entirely decorative. They are to all intents and purposes irrelevant. For Mel, this is hardly a gamechanger, mind. Because he’s always been an irrelevance. His promotions more a sign of Tory desperation than any real talent.

Poor Mel. Struggling to come to terms with the cognitive reset required of opposition. Unaccustomed to the moral high ground. Desperate to sound as if he actually gives a shit about pensioners, having never previously given them a second thought. There again, it’s going to take a while for a lot of us to adjust to this paradigm shift. Guess we’ll all have to fake it to make it.

“The government will try to lay the blame for the cut on the Tories,” said Mel. Duh, of course they will. Because it’s true. Pointing out Labour’s best lines is probably not the best way to win the argument. But hey, he’s a slow learner. Though time isn’t on his side. He ended by begging Labour MPs to vote with their conscience. Not something he ever did in government. Do as I say, not as I do. There’s none so preachy as the one desperate to be converted.

There were plenty of empty spaces on the Labour benches. Plenty of MPs had found brilliant reasons to stay away. Getting their nails done. A failure in childcare. Attending their own funerals. Maybe they hadn’t thought that one through. Anything to avoid the consequences of their actions. Picking on pensioners wasn’t what many Labour MPs thought would be required of them during their first big test in parliament.

Most Labour MPs were full of regret. Take Meg Hillier. This was a tough choice, she sobbed. She’s learned the script. She didn’t really want to be doing this. But her hands were tied. It was all the Tories’ fault. They had made her do this. Better to fix the NHS so that the pensioners with hypothermia could be treated. The abstainer-in-chief, Rachael Maskell, just wanted the government to work with her. We’ve got news for Rachael.

The madness ended with Liz Kendall winding up for the government. She seemed to be in a total muddle. A cut that had started off as a way of filling some of the £22bn shortfall was now ending up costing the government another £3bn in pension credits.

It had never been about saving money, Liz insisted. Though in other parts of her speech she kept talking about the savings. It was all about means testing to make sure that the most needy got everything to which they were entitled. God knows how much the government will spend if they leave her in charge …

The actual vote was never in doubt. Jon Trickett was the only Labour MP to vote against, but 53 others abstained . Including eight ministers, who presumably had had their absences authorised. But how many of the others had made their excuses to the whips and how many were taking a principled stand was unclear. More will be revealed.

Once the debate was over, another one began. This time on the winter fuel allowance. You read that right. The Commons debated the same thing again immediately. Complete with Mel Stride opening. Fair to say no one was listening the second time. Assuming they had been the first. That’s Mel’s secret power for you.

Still, it gave him something to take his mind off himself as he waited for his inevitable exit from the Tory leadership contest later in the afternoon. Bye bye Mel. Gone and now totally forgotten.