“Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show,” Dicken’s opening line of David Copperfield, 1850.
Years ago, the UVA football team lived in the “Football House,” 504 Rugby Road, a highly regarded address. Bus Male, one of UVA’s most accomplished athletes and assistant football coach, with the consent of Art Guepe, Head Football coach, provided a room for me in the Football House, one I shared with 2 seasoned athletes.
During spring practice, coach Guepe shouted, “Brown in at safety.” I hesitated. The coach had not read my scrap book. My talent, the question to be answered that unforgotten day, was in broken field running, not in defense. A second time, even louder, the coach shouted, “Brown in at safety.” Unfortunately, there were no other players named Brown. As soon as Brown was in at safety, a fullback crashed through the line and Brown was summarily flattened by the fullback, not the reverse.
The fullback, I later learned, was UVA’s All-American, Johnny Papit. A swell person, Johnny tried to be consoling, but “Brown” was not called again in spring or fall practice. I replay the incident in my mind as a current event, even though it happened 74 years ago.
Regrets rob us of hope unless its great value is perceived as a veiled master teacher. As James Harriott, renowned author of All Creatures Great and Small , said with regret, “I wish the past would invite me back so I could rectify one or two things.”
Looking back, Brown’s ambition was greater than his talent on the gridiron, a painful lesson requiring years to learn. Maturity slowly embraced him with the arms of a loving mother, a sweet childhood girlfriend who became his wife nearly 71 years ago, devoted children, caring friends, and surely the grace of our loving God whose son, Jesus, promised never to leave or forsake us. Hebrews 13:5. All these faces in a Police lineup would look identical because they all glow with LOVE.
The principal cause of loneliness is our failure to slow down the busyness in which we imprison ourselves to rebel against our creator and only source of peace. Will busyness be a successful defense when we stand trial on the day of judgment? Seems unlikely – unless of course we were busy loving both neighbor and enemy alike. Jesus said, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another.” John 13:34.
Another incident from those dream days of 504 Rugby Road finds its way into my awareness. A successful running back often got the attention of the residents when he strummed his guitar and sang, “Rocking Alone in an Old Rocking Chair.” The song was written in 1929 by Hoagy Carmichael. When the running back sang the lyrics, tears filled his eyes, and we all cried, the more muscular the more tears. It addressed a truth about the shame of neglect and the misery of being alone, lonely, and unloved. Here are 3 of the 6 verses of the song:
“Sitting alone in an old rocking chair
I saw an old mother with silvery hair
She seemed so neglected by those who should care
Rocking alone in an old rocking chair
“I know some youngsters in an orphans’ home
Who’d think they owned heaven if she was their own
They’d never be willing to let her sit there and stare
Rocking alone in an old rocking chair
“I look at her and I think “What a shame”
The ones who forgot her she loves just the same
And I think of angels as I see her there
Rocking alone in an old rocking chair”
The pandemic of loneliness today, no less damaging to the heart and mind than our recent and deadly Covid contagion, remains widely unappreciated. The lonely seldom complain of solitude; they complain of a host of physical and psychological symptoms challenging to diagnose or treat. Too often, relief is sought in People Substitutes such as alcohol, nicotine, food, self-medication abuse, promiscuity, social media, and nearly endless other distractions – all of which fail.
Aristotle (384 B.C – 322 B.C.), a brilliant ancient Greek philosopher, observed in his “Politics,” that “Man is, by nature, a social animal who takes pleasure in the company of others.” Psychologists and sociologists agree with Aristotle. Very few people can lead a meaningful life entirely alone. (Emphasis on very … )
In 1945, the “psychoanalyst René Spitz published a landmark article in which he suggested that babies cared for in institutions commonly suffered from ‘hospitalism’ and failed to thrive. According to Spitz this was the case because such babies were deprived of ‘maternal care, maternal stimulation, and maternal love.’”
A film depicting motherless infants in foundling homes after WW II dramatically demonstrate the powerful effects of “maternal” care. In one orphanage outside the US, an infant failed to thrive until taken out of its crib for several hours on a daily basis by a mentally retarded adolescent girl. The need to be held, a powerfully important need throughout life, stimulated the pituitary glad to secrete human growth hormone. When caringly, lovingly held, the infant began to grow. The orphan was actually loved into life.
Dr. John Bowlby (1907 -1990), a bright, sensitive British child psychiatrist developed Attachment Theory based on his studies of children separated from their parents, including the death of parents during WW II. He was joined in his research by Mary Ainsworth (1913 – 1999) at the Tavistock Clinic in London. Dr. Ainsworth spent the last years of her career as a UVA Professor of Psychology where it was my privilege to know her.
“Bowlby hypothesized that the extreme behaviors infants engage in to avoid separation from a parent or when reconnecting with a physically separated parent—like crying, screaming, and clinging— enhanced the child’s chances of survival.”
“These behaviors make up what Bowlby termed an “attachment behavioral system,” the system that guides us in our patterns and habits of forming and maintaining relationships. Research on Bowlby’s theory of attachment showed that infants placed in an unfamiliar situation and separated from their parents will generally react in one of three ways upon reunion with the parents.
1. Secure attachment: These infants showed distress upon separation but sought comfort and were easily comforted when the parents returned;
2. Anxious-resistant attachment: A smaller portion of infants experienced greater levels of distress and, upon reuniting with the parents, seemed both to seek comfort and to attempt to “punish” the parents for leaving.
3. Avoidant attachment: Infants in the third category showed no stress or minimal stress upon separation from the parents and either ignored the parents upon reuniting or actively avoided the parents.”
In later years, researchers added a fourth attachment style to this list: the disorganized-disoriented attachment style, which refers to children who have no predictable pattern of attachment behaviors.”
The attachment style acquired in the early years of life remain relatively unchanged through the lifespan unless one is severely traumatized. Soldiers severely traumatized by combat resort to an avoidant attachment style. Attachment theory for severe PTSD, remarkably similar to maternal care, is used to restore a more secure form of attachment.
Solitary confinement is widely accepted as one of the most dreaded punishments. It is used in prisons to discipline the most difficult prisoners.
I contend that a form of solitary confinement is imposed upon many children today in “day care centers” by well-intended, but poorly educated staff. A similar form of solitary confinement occurs in some nursing homes with under-staffed and inadequately educated workers. Why not move child care centers into community colleges where professional training in child development can be taught and practiced? Nursing homes need a similar, thoughtful revamping.
You may not have lived at 504 Rugby Road, even for a few months, or ever considered your attachment style, or ever thought that being held can stimulate your pituitary gland, but you know if you are not loving one another.
If there is someone you say you love is rocking alone in an old rocking chair to whom are you lying?
Robert S. Brown, MD, PHD a retired Psychiatrist, Col (Ret) U.S. Army Medical Corps devoted the last decade of his career to treating soldiers at Fort Lee redeploying from combat. He was a Clinical Professor of Psychiatry and Professor of Education at UVA. His renowned Mental Health course taught the value of exercise for a sound mind.
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