12 Ways You Can Be a Better Partner

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The first way you can be a better partner is to try, so the fact that you’re here means you’re already on your way.

You clearly care enough about your partner and your relationship to want to improve yourself, but being a wonderful partner isn’t always easy or natural. It takes work to show up for your partner. Hopefully, it’ll be one of the most rewarding jobs you ever have.

Below are small tips that can have huge results. It’s important to remember that doing these things for a week or month or year is not good enough. Being a loving partner is usually a lifetime gig.

Be Embarassingly Honest

You don’t need to be cruelly honest, like telling your partner you’ve never really loved their hair color. But you should be embarrassingly honest, which means telling the truth without your ego or pride getting in the way.

Ideally, you should never feel embarrassed in front of your partner. They should be a safe space for you to work through things, whether it’s a job assignment you don’t understand or a family conflict you feel responsible for. Being embarrassingly honest means you aren’t afraid to express your feelings, even if it makes you vulnerable.

Give Grace Generously

Grace is not a concept we value enough in modern society. You probably hear people say, “By the Grace of God,” but you can offer grace just as willingly. Giving someone grace means forgiving them without comment — to give someone the benefit of the doubt and absolve them of wrongdoing without necessarily telling them.

For example, if your partner has a tough week, maybe you don’t mention the mess of crumbs they left on the counter. Or, you can simply give grace because you love them, and crumbs aren't the end of the world. We might define grace as an “undeserved favor,” but you should think of your partner as eternally deserving of all your favors.

Never Keep Score

We can’t highlight this one enough. Never, ever keep score in your relationship, unless it’s Scrabble wins. Even if you’re right, there will be no winners.

This plays into giving grace and carrying what they can’t. However, it can go beyond those things. Relationships are about give and take, but we don’t need to keep a record of all the giving and taking.

Rather than think of these gives/takes or rights/wrongs as individual scores, think about them as a team score. When you do something nice, your team score goes up. If you do something harmful, the team score drops.

Don’t do things expecting reciprocation or points; do things to contribute to a high team score, a.k.a. a healthy relationship.

Regular Reflection

You can be a better partner by working on yourself. In rocky relationships or rough patches, people often try to fix their partner, but it’s much more productive for both people to work on themselves. Practice self-reflection regularly.

Ask yourself: am I bringing my best self to my partner? Am I giving grace and practicing patience? What can I do better? Do I support them the way they need?

Questions like these force you to look in the mirror and address your shortcomings as a partner. Furthermore, you can also regularly reflect on the relationship and assess whether or not both your needs and wants are being met, or if there are problem areas that need attention.

Have Me-Time

Spending quality time with your partner is essential to a thriving relationship. You must make time to bond and connect with them. But being away from them can be just as beneficial to your connection.

If you take some me-time, that means your partner can too. This gives you both an opportunity to reconnect with yourselves, maybe do some of that reflection we mentioned, and feel independent.

Bask in the soft sadness of missing them; don’t let it ruin your time away. Be grateful you love someone enough to miss them and be excited to return to them with the new stories, skills, or stuff you picked up!

Carry What They Can’t

We’re not saying that you should cook and clean like Cinderella while your partner watches Netflix. However, we all have our strengths and weaknesses, our preferences and pet peeves.

If your partner can’t snake the drain without heaving and gagging, but hair doesn’t bother you, maybe take on that chore for them. Identify their stressors, and when possible, remove stressors from their plate. Don’t get so hung up on 50/50 or whose job is what. If you see your partner needs help, help them.

Make Their Goals Your Goals (And Celebrate Them)

Relationship tension can stem from different priorities or unshared goals. An excellent way to support your partner is to treat their goals like your goals.

Do they want the Dolphins to win the Super Bowl? Throw on that turquoise jersey! Are they aiming for a promotion? Keep their dinner warm when they work late. Don’t sit on the sidelines and watch them go on a journey; take the journey with them and be their personal cheerleader. And they should be your cheerleader too!

Check In Regularly

This is a good way for couples to improve their relationships, but you can do check-ins on your own too. As a couple, schedule weekly or monthly check-ins where you both have a safe space to air any complaints or problems, as well as share gratitude and compliments.

However, you can also check in solo by asking your partner how they’ve been, if they need anything from you emotionally, and other open-ended questions. You can also drop some gratitude and love on them, or ask them to sit down to talk about something that’s been bothering you.

Monitor the Weather Inside You

Is your partner being inconsiderate? Or are you being sensitive? Are they stalling? Or are you impatient?

Before you put on the boxing gloves and get ready to start a fight, take note of how you’re feeling. How is the weather inside you? It could be rainy and sad, windy and frazzled, humid and overwhelmed.

The next time you feel slighted by something your partner does, check the weather inside you and consider if you’re reading the situation correctly and objectively.

Sit in the Mud With Them

Simon Sinek is an author and inspirational speaker who mostly deals with interpersonal relationships and human connection. He coined the idea of “sitting in the mud with someone.” It means that when someone is struggling (sitting in the mud) and comes to you to vent, don’t try to clean them off, don’t try to pull them out, don’t try to move the mud — just sit in it with them.

Trying to solve their problems or cheer them up can sometimes make them feel unheard and unsupported. Don’t underestimate the power of the phrase, “Hey, that really sucks, I’m sorry.” For example, if we lose our job and lament about it to our partner and they pull up Indeed and start rattling off available roles, this can feel insensitive. Let your partner feel and express their feelings without trying to remedy them.

Of course, sometimes people do want help or advice. But in that case, they’ll usually ask. If you’re not sure if they want to soak in the mud or be pulled out, you can always ask. “Do you just need to vent for now?”

Stop Looking at Your Phone (Seriously)

Frankly, we’re sad this has become such a glaring problem in relationships. But we’re not surprised. Our phones and apps are addictive by design — we all crave that blue light. But would you rather be with your phone or your partner?

Assuming your answer is the ladder, it’s time we put the phone in a timeout. For shared meals and activities, put the phone away. We don’t mean face down or in your pocket, we mean away, as in not within arm’s reach. Even if screentime is not a contentious point in your relationship, deliberately giving all your attention to your partner will have positive results.

Don’t Forget Your Manners

When we become exceedingly comfortable with our partners, we drop the formalities we use with other humans. This is completely fine, but you don’t need to leave all your manners at the door when you come home.

Saying “please,” “thank you,” “excuse me,” and other polite phrases foster respect and consideration. Just because you don’t need to say these things to your partner, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.