“A male friend, a former colleague, is becoming more involved with a mutual female friend. He is married, I’d say mostly happily married. So is she. I am unsure if this is a good dynamic for the both of them as I have been learning of more of their personal histories, from both.
“How can I caution them, should I caution them, that I know much more about each one?”
G: This is the time to call a timeout for yourself.
I am reminded of a Jewish instruction regarding gossip. I am not saying that your male and female friends are gossiping in the typical sense, but what they are doing is spilling the beans on each other to you. That is a form of gossip, even though the specifics are a bit different.
Instead of being concerned about what may or may not be harmful to either of them, I suggest you redirect your energy and focus on what is, or may become, harmful to you. By that I am referring to what is being said by each of them.
Listening as you have been to their personal histories can be considered a violation of trust, in that neither are aware of what you are learning of the other. Unless you divulge that. I am not suggesting you do that.
What would be a healthier situation would be to shut down any personal information that either are telling you about the other. You can do this by immediately asking that there be distinct boundaries about what is conveyed about one another as these friendships overlap so closely.
This may feel awkward to you and to each of them, but it is an effective way of declaring that you are prioritizing privacy over intimacy.
Truth be told, we really do not need to know much about a person’s past to know how easy it is for someone to feel vulnerable. When any lurid or sensitive details are shared, it opens up the possibility of not only creating a misunderstanding, but it leaves open the chance that at some point the relationship may go badly, and said “dirt” could get revealed.
Much of our dirt should remain private.
Many of us have friendships with people where we either have learned troubling facts about them, or where we have shared some delicate facts about ourselves, that in hindsight we wish had not been divulged. I can see the possibility that this is where you are headed with your friends.
To avoid the regret of knowing too much, all you need to do is limit the times when those conversations are occurring, and when those details do appear simply say you do not want to discuss him or her.
As to their personal involvement, just know that there are times people become drawn to someone “new” because they are on their own path of self-discovery. It does not necessarily mean that these other relationships we experience are going to jeopardize our existing ones.
Their connection does not have to alarm you, as you are not an active player in the dynamic. But if you remain privy to their stories, you will be drawn further into a distraction that can potentially damage what you have with each of them.
Gossip in the usual sense of how we understand that word is often disguised as careful, compassionate listening. It is up to you to discern what you do not want to hear and to recognize destructive communication, such as gossip, when it surfaces.
Those who are willing to divulge personal information to others in the form of gossip or secrets are capable of treating you the same way, and one day your “dirt” may be out from under the rug.
Let’s talk about bladder cancer
Recently I was told of someone who got diagnosed with bladder cancer. Because I inhale medical information about as regularly and comfortably as the pine scented air in Colorado, I began a deep dive to learn about this cancer.
Who knew bladder cancer is one of the most commonly diagnosed cancers in the United States?
If you or someone you know is diagnosed or dealing with this cancer, I recommend the Bladder Cancer Advocacy Network at www.BCAN.org. The information is comprehensive and they also offer a marvelous podcast called Bladder Cancer Matters.
I have listened to many hours of interviews from that podcast and other medical podcasts, and have read up about symptoms, diagnosis, prognosis, and treatment options. The take away is this: when caught in its early stages, bladder cancer is highly treatable.
But unfortunately, it is too frequently caught later on, when treatments are way more complex, and when there is no cure to be had. So, here’s a short list of what to watch for:
• Blood in the urine (this is never normal)
• Painful urination, urgent need or frequent urination
• Feeling the need to urinate, but unable to do so
• Abdominal pain or lower back pain
• Fatigue and/or weight loss
Please share this info with your circle, even if they are seemingly healthy right now. We all need to pay close attention to our bodily functions if we want to remain well. Better to question any reflex thinking or denial that goes like: “Aw this’ll go away on its own, so no need to get it checked out now.”
Email Giselle with your question at [email protected] or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com
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