'There's a safe place to land': Topeka couple shares what gay marriage legalization means

He was only doing what his governor asked, said Tobias Schlingensiepen.

It was the 2010s, and then-Gov. Sam Brownback was urging ministers and faith-based leaders to perform as many marriages as possible because the ceremonies would bring in money for communities and Kansas.

Schlingensiepen said he heeded Brownback's earlier advice and performed as many gay marriages as he could.

"He wasn't thinking of gay marriage, I'm sure," Schlingensiepen said. "But in my speech there at the rally, I said, 'Governor, I fully intend to keep my promise, and for the first year, I'll do all the same-sex marriages that I'm asked to do for free.'"

One such couple was queer, nonbinary couple Jensen Kirmer, 35, and Marsh Douglas, 41, who were married by Schlingensiepen, senior pastor at First Congregational Church, on Sept. 12, 2015, in Topeka's Ted Ensley Gardens.

They told The Capital-Journal their story as many gay-rights supporters worry the court could reverse course almost a decade after the Obergefell v. Hodges ruling. Shortly after Roe v. Wade was overturned by the Dobbs decision in 2022, Justice Clarence Thomas said the court should reconsider other rulings, including access to contraception and gay marriage.

Legalization of gay marriage in Kansas

In the case of Obergefell v. Hodges multiple gay couples sued their state agencies in Ohio, Michigan, Kentucky and Tennessee to determine whether banning gay marriage was constitutional.

When the ruling came in, there was a demonstration at the Kansas Statehouse in support of gay marriage. Schlingensiepen — who is now a Democratic representative in the Kansas House — spoke to the crowd. He said he can still recall the happiness and celebration when the news broke.

"We all went downstairs in a very exuberant mood," he said, "and it was a great, great turnout for the rally that was downstairs in the rotunda."

Kirmer and Douglas said cited the overwhelming feeling of excitement and joy they felt upon hearing the news.

"I worked in a basement at the time, and so everybody had their really disconsolate spaces," Kirmer said. "I just remember seeing the news and just ... it was a feeling of sheer joy but also just like this was so overdue."

Gay couples rushed to marry after Supreme Court ruling

Schlingensiepen said mixed in with the excitement was also fear and a sense of urgency.

"There was, in the initial phase, a lot of people hurrying because they really weren't sure how long this was going to hold," Schlingensiepen said. "And there was real anxiety about whether this was going to stick or is it not going to stick? Then there were folks who rushed to other states before it was legal here."

In that year, Schlingensiepen said he conducted eight or so gay marriages and even performed some ceremonies out of state.

A couple together nearly 10 years after gay marriage legalization

Kirmer and Douglas met in Wisconsin at a dive bar named Plan B 12 years ago. Little did they know they'd be one of the many gay couples lining up at the altar after gay marriage was legalized across the country.

"The first night we met, we met up when I was 23 in a bar," Kirmer said. "I was a bit inebriated, but we went out the next day and when I saw you (Douglas) get out of your car and walk up, because I was sitting on the front porch of my little tiny apartment, and I was like, 'Oh no, I'm in trouble.'"

Douglas proposed to Kirmer during a waterfall-side picnic using a hollowed-out pomegranate as a ring box. Pomegranates are a special symbol in their relationship.

"What was cool is I did get down on one knee with my pomegranate and then Jen also had a ring and was preparing to propose back," Douglas said. "So, it was like a mutual proposal. So yeah, it was really amazing."

After the wedding in Topeka, the couple spent a few years living in St. Louis but ultimately found their way back to Topeka to be closer to Kirmer's family. Kirmer grew up in Topeka.

Douglas said the pair never expected to find their person and get married, especially growing up in states where gay marriage was outright banned.

"I just remember being heartbroken, Douglas said. "It was really hard at the time to go to school and go to work and look around and be like, 'OK, well, 70% of these people don't think I'm worth being able to marry somebody.' So, it's crazy, because fast-forward time, and here we are."

Kirmer said their favorite part of marriage has been sharing their lives together.

"I think the fun thing for me is I've grown up so much since we met, and just the adventures that we've had, like the travel that we've had the adventure of raising the kids together, the different jobs we've had," Kirmer said. "It's been a roller coaster. Like being able to have all these adventures and know that there's a safe place to land.

"There's somebody going through it with you."

Kirmer and Douglas have two children, who are now adults.

With their 10th anniversary approaching next year, they have decided to visit Iceland to celebrate.

Fears of LGBTQIA rights being stripped down

Despite gay marriage being legal at the federal level, multiple states have attempted to strike down and minimize the impacts of gay marriage. In April, Kansas House Republicans stopped Democrats' efforts to change state laws requiring marriage to be between a man and a woman.

Rep. Brandon Woodard, D-Lenexa, one of the few openly LGBTQ members of the Legislature, forced a procedural vote on a bill to amend state laws so that they no longer ban gay marriage. The laws technically are not enforceable but remain on the books. The procedural vote failed with a handful of Republicans joining Democrats.

Woodard's move was at least partially inspired by Justice Thomas' concurring opinion in the Dobbs case that suggested the court should overturn Obergefell v. Hodges, which legalized gay marriage nationwide.

Kirmer said gay rights and gay marriage shouldn't be controversial or polarizing topics and that some take for granted the rights the gay community has fought for.

"It shouldn't have to be but especially after the Roe v. Wade decision last year, there's still concern that that decision could impact gay marriage," Douglas said. "So it's like, people think it's a done deal, but it never really is in this country the way that things are going."

Douglas said there are, of course, people in the world who are toxic and overtly anti-gay, but forming relationships with individuals who don't have the same beliefs is possible.

When Douglas' parents declined to attend their wedding, they forgave their parents. That forgiveness helped maintain the relationship between Douglas and their parents.

"I'm grateful I was able to have a relationship with them over the last 10 years and they were able to be a part of my kids' lives in a respectable way," Douglas said. "I think that's something that people need to hear."

Schlingensiepen said the country has a long way to go when it comes to acceptance of the LGBTQIA community but said many people in Topeka are supportive.

He said this year's PRIDE events in June were well-attended and multiple church communities, including his own, that are uplifting gay community members.