Evil Recap: Last Rites — Are You Ready for Next Week’s Series Finale?

It’s all over but the deconsecratin’ in this week’s Evil . Oh no, wait, that’s done, too.

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So all that’s really left, as the church starts its accursed evolution into a CongoRun distribution center or whatever, is for us to find out where our beloveds will end up. And to stop The 60 from unleashing unholy hell on the planet. And to see a Smash star staple part of his face back on, apparently.

This is a weird little show, and I’ll miss it so. Read on for the highlights of “Fear of the Unholy.”

THE LAST CASE | From the back of the sanctuary, Kristen and Ben watch David celebrate the church’s (poorly attended) final Mass in the church. “We need to get him drunk,” Ben whispers.

As Father Acosta goes to give the final blessing, he sees a note tucked under the chalice instruction him to be at “the sacred place” at 8 that evening.

Then the trio heads to David’s office for a new surprise: The Vatican has taken all of their files, and left just one case it wants them to investigate before they close up shop. Johan Taupin, the top theoretical physicist in the world, wants to join the Pontifical Academy of Sciences, Father Katagas tells them. Ben is highly impressed — the guy taught at MIT and has two Nobel prizes — but rolls his eyes when Katagas mentions that he wants to find out whether the scientist dabbled in “the dark arts” in the past. The whole thing seems like a formality; but Katagas instructs the assessors to meet with the physicist that day.

When they arrive at Taupin’s office, they’re quickly intercepted by Neil (played by Smash ’s Christian Borle), the professor’s private secretary. He ushers them in to speak with Johan, who uses a wheelchair and answers their questions via a computer, similar to how Stephen Hawking did. Both Neil and Johan laugh off the idea that, at one point, the professor yelled out that something evil was inside him. They blame it on “The Five,” aka his post-graduate students, and their quirky sense of humor.

While David and Ben interview The Five, Kristen chats with Johan in the hallway… until he makes lewd comments about her body and its effect on his. And when Kristen makes contact with Johan’s only female postgrad, the student admits that she was the one who reported his odd behavior, because “he’s a letch,” and she recommends that The Vatican keep far away from him. An incensed Kristen agrees. David and Ben are more like, “Let’s tell The Vatican what we know and let them decide,” particularly because they can’t find any evidence of the occult.

THE BONE IS GONE | David, Sister Andrea, Father Ignatius and the archbishop gather in the sanctuary to deconsecrate the building ahead of CongoRun’s arrival. Then the archbishop goes to remove the sacred relic — in this case, part of a saint’s thigh bone — from the altar… but it isn’t there. He doesn’t seem worried about the missing bone. But Sister Andrea, who instantly sees spectral beings doing all nature of nasty things around the room, decides that she has to track it down.

Sister Andrea locates the reliquary bricked into a hiding spot in a wall — a move designed to protect it from looters during a blackout decades before — but when she and Father Ignatius retrieve the container, there’s no bone fragment inside.

WHO’S TELLING THE TRUTH HERE? | David shows up at the aforementioned 8 pm meeting goes to a cavernous room where he meets Father Giovanni De Vita (played by American Horror Story’ s Denis O’Hare) who wants to talk about how David is angry at the Church, and how he therefore might be a traitor to the Vatican. So they test him (under threat of his being “gone from our protection,” a vague phrase if ever there were one, if he doesn’t comply). At the heart of the matter: “Would you lie for Kristen Bouchard?” And David replies that he would.

Apparently, David passes? The next time we see him, he’s at Leland’s new place, waiting to ambush the newly freed man with a punch that sends him to his knees. “Time for some truth-telling, Leland. Why’d you leave The Entity?” David wonders. “I left because it seemed the Church was no better than the monsters I was stepping into,” Leland says. They have a conversation about freewill. “Why not stir up strife, discontent, misery if it tickles me to do so?” Leland muses, stating that he and David left something of themselves behind when they remote viewed into each other. “You have nothing of me,” David calmly replies. Leland says that David is marked now by The Entity, and he can’t be trusted. “And when they can’t trust you, they get rid of you.”

The whole visit actually turns out to be an Entity-designed mission for David to get more info on The 60. Still, when David asks about Mr. LeConte and Father Domenic, he learns that the first died and the second is not available… which makes David very suspicious.

GOLD MINE! | Meanwhile, Ben gets a call from Prof. Taupin, who says something bad is there with him and “I can see it in my peripheral vision.” Taupin’s machine’s robotic voice then turns demonic and tells Ben to eff himself, then the djinn shows up in Ben’s apartment and squeezes his head.

Ben and Kristen confront Johan, who claims he didn’t make rude comments to her or call him. Later, as Ben investigates whether someone could have hacked the professor’s computerized voice box, Karima comes over and is worried when she sees the amount of tin foil on her brother’s bed and head. She says he needs to see a doctor because he was shot with gold ion during the particle accelerator mishap; there are specialists who use it to treat ALS and are familiar with the side effects. THIS gets his attention, and he asks David to have the professor come by the rectory the next day.

That’s when they, with the help of Sister Andrea, learn that the professor isn’t a demon — just someone probably hallucinating from the gold in his system — but that his assistant, Neil, certainly IS. The nun and Neil get into a knife fight in the kitchen, and she lays him out (because YEAH SHE DOES), but they’re interrupted by Kristen and David’s yelling: Johan has started bleeding from the nose, eyes and mouth.

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At the hospital, a recovered Neil literally staples his skin back over his demonic visage, then dons a surgical mask and rushes to the ER bay in time to stop a doctor from giving the professor an MRI. Johan had an experimental microchip implanted into his brain to facilitate communication, Neil explains, and an MRI could kill him.

TUMMY ACHE | Back at the rectory, Father Ignatius finds Sister Andrea about to climb into a hole in the wall behind her armoire, because there’s a demon in the hole, and she’s sure he has the relic. But she switches tactics at the last minute, using the priest (and the bowl of mini marshmallows she asks him to hold) as bait. As they sit and wait, they chat.

Turns out, Father Ignatius’ faith isn’t that profound, and he’s not all that sure that there actually is a good to balance out all the evil in the world. (Sister Andrea matter-of-factly informs him that he’s wrong about that.) He asks how she’s so sure God exists. “I’ve seen the fear in the face of demons,” she says. “It’s not the fear of a 5-ft. nun.” They discuss a lot more — how most people check off “None” on surveys about what faith they practice, how the idea that you become one with the universe when you die doesn’t jibe for her — and he’s telling her how much he’ll miss her when she shushes him: There’s a noise coming from the hole in the wall.

The red horned demon that was in Kristen’s basement creeps out. Sister Andrea leaps on it and sticks a knife into its palm. The demon howls, but Father Ignatius can’t see or hear anything other than Sister Andrea, splayed out on the floor.

Later, armed with a caddy of cleaning sprays (and maybe some holy water?), the nun demands that the monster return the relic. “I ate it. It’s in my stomach,” he sasses her. So she plunges shears into his belly, thrusts her hand into his guts and pulls out the holy bone, protected by her to-the-elbow, yellow dish gloves.

‘THE DEVIL DOESN’T KEEP BARGAINS’ | David makes another trip to Leland’s, where Townsend seems to plant even more doubt about The Entity in Father Acosta’s head. He guesses (correctly) that David’s handlers are disappearing and insinuates they’ve been killed. “How do you think the Church maintains its mysteries, merely through excommunication?” Leland asks.

At one point, Kristen texts David; after he sees it, he places his phone on a table next to Leland’s. Leland wonders what the priest “really” wants. “I want Kristen safe from you, forever,” he answers (pretty quickly, I might add). Leland wants David to leave the priesthood in return. “The Devil doesn’t keep bargains,” David notes. “This one does,” Leland responds, putting out his hand to shake, but David ignores it and leaves.

Again, the meeting had an ulterior, Entity-driven motive: Get detailed info about The 60 off Leland’s phone, which was achieved when the two devices were in close proximity. Then David tries to peace out, telling his new handler that The Entity can find someone else to order around. But actually, nope! David then learns that his new assignment is in Rome. “Welcome to Vatican Security,” his new handler says.

’47 YEARS’ | After Ben pleads with Prof. Taupin one more time to remove the harmful device in his brain (Taupin doesn’t care, because his brain eventually will live on in the cloud), the assessors give Father Katagas their official report: There’s nothing stopping the Vatican from having Taupin join their scientific council, though Kristen makes a special note that the guy is a jerk. Katagas thanks them, giving them small bottles of papal olive oil for their years of service, then takes off.

David lets his friends know he’s been reassigned to Rome, and he’s leaving in four days. “We’re really breaking up,” Ben says. Kristen is not OK. “This seems, um, mean,” she notes. David apologizes, but she shakes it off, saying it’s not a big deal as her eyes fill with tears and she makes a hasty exit.

That night in bed, she’s reading a book called Surviving Separation (but from whom?), but puts it down to check in on her Dutch double via Find My Doppel. Kristen’s double is dancing with two guys at a nightclub. Ben also cues up the site to watch his doppel play with his kid. I should also note that, earlier in the hour, David used the site to check out the fighter who looks just like him.

Sister Andrea later finds David sitting alone in the sanctuary. We learn that she’s being “retired” and will live at the silent retreat upstate. (Aw, Fenna!) She advises David not to let the Church, which is a human bureaucracy, “pervert your talents.” She commands that he go to confession every time he helps The Entity. And she uses her little knife to cut yet another sin off his spinal column, then smushes it under her foot. “Sin gets bigger and bigger with each infraction,” she warns.

They go to leave the sanctuary. “47 years,” she says quietly, then they walk out arm in arm. David turns the lights on as they go.

Now it’s your turn. What did you think about the second-to-last Evil ? Hit the comments with your thoughts!

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