Anger buddies

At a certain point in your life , when something bothers you, this is the first question you ask yourself: Is what I’m irritated by a legitimate problem, or am I just a grouchy old crackpot?

Often, it’s unclear. Which is why you should always have a friend around who is equally cranky and irritable — or, even better, just a touch more of both — to share your complaints with. Call it a Bad Attitude Solidarity System. You both pledge to support each other in a recital of the litany of annoyances and outrages we put up with every day but also promise to reel each other in if either one of you gets to the get off my lawn! level of old man behavior.

“So, my wife and I went to a local coffee shop this morning,” my easily annoyed friend told me today, “and there were seven people in line to order, four people waiting for their coffees to be served, and — get this — five employees milling around behind the counter, doing basically nothing, while one employee frantically tried to do everything.”

This describes pretty much every coffee spot in our neighborhood. The minute you walk into one of these places, you have to prepare yourself for a cascade of lazy inefficiency with relaxing breath work and mindful meditation if you want to keep a lid on your temper. My friend forgot that indispensable coping mechanism.

“How did you react?” I asked.

He sighed heavily. “I did this stupid thing I do when I’m in a situation where there are lots of people waiting in line and lots of people behind the counter doing nothing. I loudly and ostentatiously count the people in line and then just as loudly count the idle employees.”

“You count them?” I asked.

“Yes, out loud. I point and then count and then I glare and stew and generally give off dark energy. My wife hates it. But I can’t stop myself.”

“Have you always done this?”

“I started doing it when I turned 47,” he answered.

Which makes sense, since that’s about the time when most men enter their Irritated Years. The body slows down, but the temper picks up. It’s when you start noticing that every device in your life — the phone, the refrigerator, and the pump at the gas station — emits a series of high-pitched alarms and beeps for no reason at all. Beep! The refrigerator door has been open for 10 seconds. Beep! Please select fuel grade before removing the nozzle. Beep! Breaking news: Harry and Meghan adopt a spaniel.

It’s also when you realize that every hotel lobby, restaurant, co-working facility, or public space of any kind has piped-in bass-heavy music played at unreasonable volume. It’s when it dawns on you that every waiter asks the same idiotic and irrelevant question: Is this your first time dining with us? It’s when you refuse to stand in line for anything. It’s when you realize that you will never, ever get a clear and straight answer from anyone at Home Depot.

And it’s when you start counting the employees behind the counter who are exerting an enormous amount of energy not noticing the line of impatient customers.

“So, what do you think?” my friend asked. “Was I overreacting? I mean, this is sort of the thing that would cause my dad to blow a gasket.”

I shook my head. “Absolutely not,” I said. “There were seven people in line and five doing nothing behind the counter? Outrageous!”

“Plus the four customers who were waiting,” he reminded me.

“Totally unacceptable,” I said. “It would be wrong for you not to loudly count them.”

“Thanks,” he said. “Because my wife was really angry with me.”

“You took a stand,” I said. “You spoke truth to power.”

“That’s what I said! But she said I was being a jerk.”

“Being a hero, more like it,” I said in an upbeat and supportive tone of voice.

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“Thanks, man,” he said. And we were silent for a moment, both enjoying the male camaraderie of shared mutual annoyances.

I have known this friend for years, and whenever we get together, we don’t talk about politics or relationships or any of the usual topics. We talk exclusively about the latest experience or encounter that rubbed us the wrong way. And when I say “exclusively,” I mean exactly that. I have known him for nearly 20 years, and I know he is married and has two — wait, three? — children, but I could not name them if you put a gun to my head. Our friendship goes deeper than that. We are each other’s Anger Buddy, and no wife and children can match that.

Rob Long is a television writer and producer, including as a screenwriter and executive producer on Cheers, and he is the co-founder of Ricochet.com.