Like a lot of things in the Bible , the Ten Commandments get it all slightly wrong. I don’t mean the “Thou shalt not kill” material — I’m basically OK with that. It’s the smaller things that, in my view, need an editorial refresh.
For instance, the 10th Commandment gets it all backward. “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house,” it says, and then goes on to get specific: “You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”
That’s in Exodus 20:17, by the way, in case you’ve got a Bible handy and want to double-check. And, of course, we all know that envy is a deeply toxic emotion that leads a person into all sorts of trouble. But envy is also a self-punishing sin. Envy makes people miserable. It sours their enjoyment of nearly everything — romantic love, nice clothes, and money, that sort of stuff — because no matter how much you have or how amazing your possessions are, there is always (always!) someone else who’s got slightly better stuff. An envious person is trapped in a never-ending cycle of feeling cheated and inadequate. That’s penance enough, in my opinion. Wasting an entire commandment on envy seems like an error.
What about the guy who has the great house or the hot wife? Or, for that matter, the excellent household servant and a terrific ox or donkey? Where’s his part in all of this? He could tone it down a bit, couldn’t he? He didn’t need to put in that Jacuzzi or buy that BMW to park outside. He did it because he wants you to envy him. Maybe the 10th Commandment should be more along the lines of, “Don’t be a smug showoff pain in the ass.” Or, you know, those words but in ancient Hebrew.
And since we’re making improvements on the text, let’s lose the references to the ox and the donkey — it’s hard to envy a neighbor having to clean up that mess all the time, plus the smell. Also, in 2024, it’s entirely possible that your neighbor and his wife have an open relationship and that he got his male or female servant from TaskRabbit, which means you have a decent shot at both.
Envy, in the modern world, has its hot molten core in the TSA line at the airport . It is there, as passengers snake through switchback lines clutching their possessions and preparing their laptops, that envy reaches a commandment-level amount of intensity. There are the sad, benighted folks who arrive without TSA-Pre, who wait in a longer line and need to strip off a layer of clothes. Those of us (and yes, I am TSA-Pre, thank you) with the right credential get to saunter through the experience in a more civilized and less intrusive way. And we can feel the furious stares of the unlucky unfortunates as our line moves along at a sprightly pace, and theirs is all shuffles and half-steps.
If that’s not enough, there’s also the chance to inspire envious rage from the TSA-Pre crowd. You just have to spring for something called Clear, and with a few handprint and retinal scans, a Clear employee ushers you to the very front of the line — ahead of everyone! Even the smug TSA-Pre-ers who moments before were swanning it up in front of the no-creds.
Since we’re talking about biblical themes, I may as well confess that, for me, the whole reason to shell out the extra money for Clear is to experience that moment alone: The Clear escort lifts the ribbon, holds up a hand to stop the line, ushers you to the podium, and you’re on your way with the hot stares of the envious burning a delicious tingle on the back of your head. Technically, yes, all of those people are in violation of the 10th Commandment. But the real sinner here is me. “Thou shalt not envy your neighbor’s Clear ID,” the commandment should read. But really, wouldn’t it be more meaningful to say, “Thou shalt not enjoy thy perks so much?” Or at least, “Thou shalt not look like you’re enjoying thy perks so much?” Maybe they’ll fix that when the next version of the Bible drops.
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Rob Long is a television writer and producer, including as a screenwriter and executive producer on Cheers, and he is the co-founder of Ricochet.com.
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