How Hmong women in Wisconsin are tackling domestic violence in their communities

This story was produced and originally published by Wisconsin Watch , a nonprofit, nonpartisan newsroom . It was made possible by donors like you .

Monica Lo stayed silent for years as the man she married abused her. She said he punched and even choked her.

Lo said she didn’t report the violence to law enforcement and lied to doctors about her injuries. She was taught to obey men and feared speaking out would bring her family shame.

“I didn’t want anybody to know what’s going on with me and my family,” Lo told Wisconsin Watch.

The abuse escalated into a death threat along a highway in 1998, prompting Lo to wonder if she would survive or become yet another casualty of domestic violence.

Lo would ultimately escape the abuse and get back on her feet with help from The Women’s Community Inc., a Wausau-based nonprofit that serves domestic violence and trafficking survivors. She would go on to earn a master’s degree in social work before returning to help Hmong women through challenges like she faced.

Lo, who has spent the last six years as an advocate and program coordinator for The Women’s Community, is among Hmong women pushing back against attitudes that prevent women from leaving violent relationships.

That includes offering safe housing, counseling and representation in mediation processes that precede a divorce sanctioned by Hmong leaders. The women are also speaking out in an ongoing debate about the role patriarchal attitudes play in shaping potentially deadly scenarios.

Hmong residents, the largest Asian racial ethnic group in Wisconsin, make up just 1% of Wisconsin’s population but have mourned a litany of killings linked to domestic abuse. In an unofficial tally from news coverage and advocacy group reports , Wisconsin Watch counted 20 Wisconsin homicide cases since 1990 in which Hmong men have killed their intimate partners and, in some cases, additional women. Those include 14 cases since 2005.

More recent victims include Mai Rue “Lily” Vang of Wausau, described by loved ones as a generous friend and loving mother . Even with her parents’ support, she struggled to leave a partner who abused her for years before killing her in March 2021.

Some Hmong men say blame for such violence should focus on individuals. They bristle when advocates say old cultural attitudes play a role . Those suggestions, some Hmong men say, stigmatize and divide Hmong communities that have remained tight-knit in Wisconsin since a generation arrived from refugee camps in Thailand after the Vietnam War.

To be sure, domestic violence is a national and statewide scourge that criminal justice and legal systems have struggled to address . Ninety-six people of various backgrounds in Wisconsin died due to domestic violence in 2022, according to the advocacy nonprofit End Domestic Abuse .

More: Domestic violence deaths are rising. Children are witnessing them. Inside the crisis facing Milwaukee County.

More: Where to find help for sexual assault and domestic violence in Milwaukee

More: Here are 7 culturally specific groups helping domestic abuse survivors in Milwaukee

But leaving abusive relationships can prove particularly challenging within traditional Hmong structures that value interdependence over independence, advocates say. When families negotiate terms of a marriage or separation, cultural divorce can prove particularly messy.

“It takes individuals up to seven attempts to leave their abusers,” said Cheeia Lo, executive director of the Green Bay-based domestic violence program Golden House. “And the number is a lot higher in the Hmong community. I would say almost double that.”

Silence makes quantifying domestic violence difficult

How pervasive is domestic violence against Hmong women? That’s hard to measure, said Pa Thao, executive director of Black and Brown Womyn Power Coalition in Eau Claire. Hmong women often stay silent to avoid inflicting shame on themselves and their families.

Domestic violence survivors, regardless of ethnicity, often avoid speaking to law enforcement. Just 52% of domestic violence victims who responded to the 2019 National Crime Victimization Survey said they reported the violence to police.

Thao’s nonprofit runs a 24/7 Hmong-speaking helpline for survivors of domestic violence and their supporters. It received 117 calls, most from within Wisconsin, between October 2022 and September 2023 alone. Nearly two-thirds related to domestic violence at home, followed by 27% from service providers seeking consultation and 18% related to shelter and housing.

Those callers represent a tiny fraction of all who face domestic violence since many won’t call, Thao said.

“In our community, it’s really a taboo to talk about marital issues that are going on in the home and outside of the family structure.”

Clan, family structures can complicate divorce

Hmong Americans organize themselves in an 18-clan structure , with clans recognizing a common ancestor. Clans play a major role in family dynamics, including cultural marriage and divorce. Hmong Americans traditionally choose spouses from outside their birth clans, and families negotiate terms of cultural marriage or divorce. A Hmong wife will traditionally join her husband’s clan and family.

Such interdependence can make leaving an abusive relationship particularly challenging, Hmong advocates say. Cultural divorce involves an agreement among clans and can include lengthy mediation sessions that prioritize keeping a couple together.

It took years for Monica Lo to contemplate her divorce, even as the abuse escalated, she said. But within a year of experiencing the 1998 death threat along the highway, at age 25, she resolved to leave a marriage that started just after high school.

Her first step: phoning The Women’s Community. It helped her petition a court for a restraining order and offered temporary shelter and additional support to Lo and her son as she planned her next steps.

Lo said her father supported her, and both of her parents agreed to help with child care, but finalizing the cultural divorce took time because it required her then-husband’s clan to agree.

That happened only after three hours-long mediation sessions in which male clan leaders, she said, encouraged her to remain in the relationship before it became clear that the violence persisted.

Improving services for domestic violence survivors

Jane Graham Jennings, executive director of The Women’s Community, remembers seeing Lo when she turned to the agency for help in 1999. It was early in Jennings’ tenure at the nonprofit and around its launch of culturally specific services for Hmong clients.

Leading that effort was the late Mao Khang, a fierce advocate for Hmong women facing domestic violence.

Initially, when clients would ask The Women’s Community staff to explain to their husbands the legal ramifications of abusive behavior, Jennings would decline — saying her organization served victims and didn’t talk to harm-doers. Khang changed that mindset, Jennings said.

“We don't decide what victims need,” Jennings said. “They tell us what they need, and we figure it out.”

Outraged in the mid-2000s after a series of domestic violence-related homicides of Hmong women in Wisconsin, Khang challenged the clan system to change its treatment of survivors.

Making mediation more inclusive

Khang helped The Women’s Community set up its own mediation services for clients seeking some clan involvement in a cultural divorce.

That process brings together leaders from each spouse’s clan and immediate family. The goal: respecting each side’s wishes. It’s unlike traditional mediation, which primarily aims to keep couples together and tends to take longer. When mediation results in a divorce, the nonprofit may bring in a family law attorney to guide each party through legal requirements.

This type of mediation has shown promise, Jennings said, with clan leaders more likely to grant cultural divorces, allowing women to move on. But she acknowledged fewer couples are seeking mediation since Khang died of liver cancer in 2022 .

Nao Shoua Xiong, a military veteran , is among three clan leaders who have collaborated with The Women’s Community in mediation. He said he has mediated nearly 200 cases involving a cultural divorce since 2000. Those include about 20 cases in collaboration with the nonprofit.

Xiong said he urges spouses to stay faithful, end extramarital relationships and respect their clans. Xiong said mediation helps de-escalate abuse and violence. He often advises husbands to consider the impacts of their actions on children as well.

When violence persists in extreme cases, he said, mediation stops.

“That's it. There's no negotiations,” he said in Hmong as Wisconsin Watch interviewed him through a translator. “They have to go and do it the legal way.”

Xiong said roughly half of today’s Hmong couples — and they tend to be younger — will bypass the clan system and go straight to the courthouse for divorce.

Xiong is among those who don’t see domestic violence as structural within Hmong communities.

“It’s not a community problem. It’s an individual problem,” he said. “It’s an issue where everybody is responsible for their own actions.”

Advocates who serve Hmong women disagree, saying perpetrators may include men who hold sway and are supposed to act as moral compasses.

Remembering Lily Vang

Clan mediation didn’t save Lily Vang from her partner Umberto Lo. Lo murdered the 30-year-old nail technician following multiple instances in which Wausau police responded to domestic abuse complaints.

That included one complaint when Vang was five months pregnant in April 2020. Vang told a responding officer that Lo had sworn at her and shoved her. Police arrested Lo, who faced charges of disorderly conduct with domestic abuse and repeater enhancements. He was released after posting a $1,500 bond and ordered not to contact Vang.

Less than a year later, Vang was found dead on the floor of her apartment.

A jury last January found Lo guilty of first-degree intentional homicide. In May, a circuit court judge sentenced him to life without extended supervision.

Feanna Vang, Lily’s youngest sister, wishes she had more strongly urged Lily to leave the relationship. Feanna said Lily would confide in her, saying the relationships provided some sense of security.

At The Women’s Community, Monica Lo closely followed the case. She said Lily tried hard to exit the relationship, even seeking clan mediation, but her partner refused to cooperate.

Lo said Lily’s death illustrates the challenge many younger Hmong American face in adapting to American cultural and legal norms that frown upon abuse while maintaining some patriarchal ideas.

To honor Lily, Feanna, who in May graduated from UW-Madison after majoring in psychology, dreams of opening a mental health clinic with an in-house nail salon to allow clients to express themselves freely.

Monica Lo aims to build upon Khang’s legacy, challenging patriarchal views while remaining proud of her Hmong heritage. Both are possible, she said.

She is optimistic that younger generations will strike that balance. She’s encouraging her 29-year-old son to join a movement that requires buy-in from men to succeed.

“It’s your generation that will have to try to change us more,” she said. “It’s gonna take another generation, two, or three generations.”

This article originally appeared on Milwaukee Journal Sentinel: How Hmong women in Wisconsin are tackling domestic violence in their communities