Tell Giselle: When unsolicited advice is inadvisable

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“I’ve got a real problem with figuring out when it is alright to voice my opinion. Sometimes I can seem to get away with it and other times it backfires. Why is it not obvious to my friends that I am being helpful when I tell them what I think?”

G: Some may tell you there is a real art to getting along with people and knowing how to be a good friend. Any art that is good takes time to master.

This skill doesn’t always start with a simple and true formula, like minding your own business. Many people don’t ever grasp the concept that most of what happens is actually none of their business.

I suggest you look at what it is you feel so strongly about that you feel the need to express an opinion. If you are in a book club or chat room, you can be pretty certain your informed opinions, expressed in a civil manner, will be welcome.

If you are truly trying to have healthy relationships with friends and family, you can consider beginning by withholding about half of what you think you ought to say out loud.

Then pay close attention to your urge to say what comes into your mind. So much of what crosses our mind isn’t even worth being there at all. There’s a good chance it is not worth putting into the ethers.

Another way to develop good social skills, the kinds that can translate easily to the work place, is to ask the person you are engaging with if they want to know what you are thinking, or what you might have to say about this that or the other thing. Give the other person the chance to let you know whether or not it is a good time to open up a discussion or to bring up a specific topic.

Let them have the right to decline you, without you automatically feeling like you are being dismissed or ignored. My wise father said “timing is everything” and the older I get the more I see how that is really key to an easier and more joyful path.

Sometimes it is just a matter of knowing when there is a comfortable window, by that I mean enough time and the right time, to get into a topic or an area that may be a bit personal.

For those friends that you may seem to be bothering with your style of communicating, you can consider explaining that you are not wanting to offend anyone. Let them know you don’t always know when you are going to be misunderstood or touch on a subject that is off limits, and that you’d like to get better at this ability.

The bottom line here is becoming more aware of how you may be conveying your opinions. If you are confrontational, odds are you’ll be on thin ice. If you are wishy washy, or ill informed, you likely will be disrespected. Conversation is an art, but it is also our opportunity to bridge our differences and broaden our capacity to expand our thinking, and thus even change our opinions or positions. It’s worth the effort trying to improve.

A good rule of thumb regarding giving advice is to hesitate before offering it up. There are times when we are looking for information and there are times when we just want to be heard or to vent frustration. Learning how to be a compassionate listener is key to peacemaking.

Try listening more to those in your circle, rather than feeling the need to always give voice to your opinion or advice. See if your own sense of wellbeing is enhanced by this simple practice.

Put your focus on how your own thoughts come and go, and change. Concentrate your time on dealing with your own issues or projects, rather than thinking it is necessary to impose your ideas or thoughts on others. This will not only bring you a greater capacity for forgiveness and tolerance, it will show you that your life is way more rewarding when you make time for more than your own ideas.

Email Giselle with your question at [email protected] or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com

Email Giselle with your question at [email protected] or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com