Breakup lines from pet owners

Join Wimberley humorist Susan Rigby as she attempts to navigate “the small stuff.”

I had a guy break up with me using four words I will never forget, “My cat is missing.” Now, we had been out at least four hours but he didn’t tell me this until we got into a minor argument. What could I say? I loved my animals too. Although I have no doubt that it was true, I also know that he was not good at dealing with issues, so this was his avoidance technique. We did date a little longer, but it didn’t last because I never knew when his cat would be missing again.

Although this happened a few years ago, I had a recent experience that made me wish I could relive that night. Seymour was having problems with his collars. I tried nylon and leather, but both caused him skin irritations and he couldn’t stop scratching. I finally found a little vest that could replace his collar. I just velcroed it on, hooked his leash to the metal loop attached to his vest, and away we went. I usually took his vest off when we got home, but sometimes I left it on, especially if it was cool in the house.

Seymour, being a needy boy, would sometimes whine to get my attention when I was upstairs. He didn’t want anything and I quickly learned to ignore the whine until he quieted down. Then I would fondly pet him and ask if he wanted to go out or was hungry. He was starting to learn to adjust his behavior. Last night, I heard Seymour whimpering and ignored him. After 10 minutes of whimpering, I went to investigate. I found him under the bed. He was wearing his vest and somehow it had gotten partially loose from his body, and the velcroed vest — and he — were stuck to the carpet. After releasing him, I thought about that long ago breakup and relived it in my mind.

He said, “My cat is missing.” I say in an even more distressed voice, “My dog was velcroed.”