Empty Nest Disorder (END)

Black eyed SusansPhoto byKim stockwell

I thought perhaps you might enjoy this post from last September, 2022....

I’m Kim and welcome to the Women's Survival Guide (WSG)— an artist, mother, wife and woman trying to figure out that “Now what!?” phase of life with positivity and humor. Thanks for joining me on this nutty ride.

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ONWARD:

Week one of the “empty nest” has past for me. I’m trying to think of a simpler, less grim description of when your kids have all cleared out for college or other. I don’t mind the term, myself, but I do have friends for whom it has a nails-on-a-chalkboard affect. Any ideas? Alone-at-last? New-beginnings? Clean-home, perpetually? Opportunity-nest? Child-free-home? Terribly-sad-and-depressed-nest? Or, let’s call it the Empty Nest Disorder…the END for short. (You can comment via e-mail here for your ideas: womenssurvivalguide@gmail.com or instagram @womenssurvivalguide or better yet, under the “comment” section).

None seem to really capture the transition from a house that had a lot of activity to a house that has very little activity.

If someone ate all the cookies it used to be, “who ate all the cookies?” Now, it’s “I ate all the cookies.” Or, “you ate all the cookies.” Things stay where I put them down. Wherever that may be. I cannot wonder if (blame) one of the kids took something I can’t find, like a charger. I also don’t turn my phone off at night in case one of them needs something while we are asleep. That means my buddies who stay up late and text wake me up and my buddies who text super early also do. I’ll bet there is a way to fix that but there isn’t anyone in the house to ask how to do it.

My schedule is caput. I have stuff I need to get done, but no one is exactly waiting for me to do it. Like making dinner. Making appointments. Picking up stuff like groceries. My husband is pretty mellow and can handle a simple dinner or we just to go out. I do intend to cook, still. Tiny meals. I will start by getting a little bag of groceries this week. Do what my mom does and wander down the street to the local market, pick up a veggie, a couple of pieces of chicken, maybe some ice cream or olives and cheese. I’m happy about that, actually. Those huge grocery shoppings of yore were not just expensive but super time consuming and I hate putting it all away.

Schedule. Remember when the Downton Abbey character, Dowager Countess Crawley asks “what is a week-end?” We are not retired but I do find it hard to remember what day it is without kids around to remind us to take them to school. Plus, thanks to Covid we can pretty much operate from anywhere, at least part of the time. And no one is saying what times we need to be where, unless we have an appointment or, shocking, an in-person meting,

Not to be anchored to home base in the Fall feels really disorienting. I thought it was supposed to feel freeing. I used to think how cool it was going to be to just take off during September and enjoy all the places everyone haunts during the summertime. Alone and in peace. Like, ha ha, see what we can do? I find the freedom intimidating.

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Remember when we had little kids and how most of us knew exactly what was next. Babies and kids operated best with strict schedules. Sleep, eat, play, sleep. The predictability of what happens next. Schedules during the week change from age to age, but, not all that much, for instance from a kid’s perspective:

For a little kid: After I wake up, I eat, get dressed, then I play or go to school, then I nap, have a snack, play some more, get a meal, then a bath, a story and a song and then I sleep.

For a lower school kid: I wake up, I get dressed, brush my teeth, eat, get taken to school (listen to radio), learn, recess, snack, learn, lunch, recess, learn, sports, someone picks me up, snack, after school activity, home, dinner, homework, bath, story, sleep.

For middle school kid: I wake up and want my phone which my parents have. I get dressed, fix myself up (apply make-up), eat, beg for phone. Go to school. Learn, snack, recess, phone, learn (yearn for phone), sports. Pick up, Phone! After school activity, phone, home, homework, dinner, phone (if done with homework), homework, little phone time then hand it over to parents, story, sleep.

For high schoolers: Wake up, check phone. Find out what other kids are wearing (if girl), change a number of times. Feel grumpy. Eat. Phone, driven or drive to school (plug in music). Learn, snack, free time/phone, learn, lunch, phone, sports, phone, pick up, phone, home, phone/snack, homework, phone, homework, phone, homework, phone. Shower, phone, homework, phone, phone, phone. Sleep.

Adult, PRE-empty nest: Wake up, check phone (weather and calendar), shower, eat/coffee check phone (emails). Phone fully present (NY Post, insta, texting, etc). Go to work…..etc. Come home, make dinner, free time. Check kids and conduct which ever process depending on age of kids (see above). Read. Go to sleep. Sleep for as long as allowed depending on age of kids.

Empty Nest Typical “Schedule”

Adult POST-empty nest: Wake up, a lot later than before when I had kids to shuttle to school, check phone. Shower or don’t, not like I have to set an example for anyone. No breakfast because didn’t grocery shop. Coffee, check phone. Phone fully present. Make ”to do” list. Misplace it. Cannot blame anyone for loss of list. Make a new list, but know I have left something important off of list. Forget what I am supposed to be doing. Check phone.

Go to work/desk. Find old list from last week. Oh, there it is, I say. Look at millions of e-mails and realize I don’t care about them. At all. No matter how important, time sensitive, personal they are. Be grateful to not have the amazing number of emails related to kids’ schools and activities when they were living home full time anymore. Go for a walk. Totally forget about what I am supposed to be doing. Go grocery shopping. Forget toilet paper. Again. Intend to make a nice dinner. Buy veggies, chicken and maybe some ice cream. Go out to dinner with spouse or friend instead and put chicken in freezer with the other five parcels of chicken I had intended to cook all week. Hope the veggies won’t rot too quickly.

Look at phone before bed. Get sucked in by kitty videos. They are so funny. Why do so many kitty videos have kitties with very small ears? Must be a breed. Realize it’s 12 Am. Shit. Did it again. Stayed up too late to read. Shut off lights and pass out hard.

Wide awake two hours later. Must pee. Lose thread of cool dream and actually start thinking. Shit. Shit again for thinking of a swear so early. Torture myself for two hours and finally take half an Ambien, turn on Calm app, or, if alone turn on light and read. Pass out hard. wake up to text at 6 AM from chipper friend or parent. No more sleep.

We have this time! What shall we do with it!? It’s a luxury! It’s a liability!

Take the phone out of the above schedules and you can see the boundaries provided by a set weekday schedule. There were times when we didn’t have something during a weekend and I remember feeling out of sorts. Like, well, now what? We have this time! What shall we do with it!? It’s a luxury! It’s a liability! Don’t use it and feel like a jerk because what is money but a token to provide one with more time. No one wants to waste money! Or, time!

So, when your home is suddenly child-free it’s a “wealth of opportunity” vis-a-vis time even if you have a full time job. This kind of freedom can be stressful. You see people around you using their new found time better than you are. You feel stupid. You wonder what to do. Maybe you feel envy. You don’t want to feel envy. It’s an ugly feeling. Begrudgement? No. Don’t begrudge anyone. Either way, it’s not a place you can allow yourself to linger. You’ll only hurt yourself and annoy your family.

Why do I suddenly have the urge to watch Downton Abbey? The emails can wait.

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