My AAA card with love form my Dad since I was a senior in high schoolPhoto byKim Stockwell
Happy Father’s Day, Dads! Fun fact: WSG has a large percentage of male readers! So, I am betting a bunch of them are dads. Hope you have a lovely day this Sunday, WSG Dads!
I am extremely lucky to have a dad that has been a part of my life (an extremely big part of my life) all of my life. I have double the luck with a wonderful step dad I have known most of my life, as well. They have a lot of similarities, in fact. So my idea of what a dad is, is generally unconflicted. Dads are like snow flakes, though. Each one is different and has their own unique take on parenting.
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In my lifetime, the role of “Dad” has widened from being the family breadwinner, “wait til your father gets home…” disciplinarian, weekend parent, to a diaper changing stay-at-home parent. My classmates in grad school (I went back at 44 to get my MFA), told me I was sexist when I said I wasn’t thrilled with the idea of being married to a guy that didn’t work at their age. I told them, “then, yes, I am.”
Dads have a lot on their shoulders these days. Men my age were brought up to see themselves as the sun (son) which the world rotated around. I don’t mean that all men were brought up to be self centered. I mean, if you watched movies growing up or TV, there were not a lot of stay at home dads portrayed, if at all. There were not a lot of touchy feely guys in general. I remember thinking Alan Alda was pretty wonderful on MASH. He was funny, soft spoken, cute and kind. A “B” type of guy…but, wait. He was a doctor! In a war zone. And not a Dad. Can anyone think of another dad portrayed in movies or TV from our childhood and before that was the main care givers a dad?
Today, Dads are expected to be a lot of things, and so are moms. It’s a miracle any parents stay married given how utterly involved we are in our kids’ lives. That part is a bit different from when I was a kid. Now there is a sense of anxiety in both parents that if they don’t take the kid to soccer practice the kid won’t get into college. There is a dog whistle level of anxiety in the parenting experience theses days. Competition has taken over everything. There are just more people vying for the same spots we had an easier time achieving as kids. So, if the parents don’t hustle the kids…well, you’ll only have yourself to blame if they don’t get into the next thing you need them to get into. Yes, I have deliberately left the child out of the process in the previous sentence.
Most of you have or have had a dad or dad-figure. What do/did they mean to you? What’s your first thought in a word? Mine is safety. The word “safety” can mean a lot of things. To me it means, no matter what, I’ll be loved. No matter what, I will have someone who cares about me and my family. That I can trust this person. That their judgement is sound. That they have lived an honorable life and have perspective from which I can learn. Not everyone has or has had my experience. I am not a big believer in luck. I firmly believe we make our own luck through our choices. BUT, in the dad department, I am lucky. Happy Father’s Day, Dad! Happy Father’s Day, Chip! And, to my Love, who is one of the best in the business.
Everyone’s a critic. Of themselves. I find myself saying the above words out-loud a fair amount. Is it a sign of trying to relate to others, “Hey, look at me, I can totally relate to you because I am humble.” It is a trait of many, many women trying to hide their intelligence: “Well, even I know how to read directions.” Or a sign of judgement of another’s lack of intelligence: “Even I know how to do that…and you don’t?!”
Whatever it is, starting a sentence with the words “Even I ….” cannot be a good thing for one’s self love. Would you say to your kid seriously “Even you know how to do X”? Not if you liked your kid or wanted them to grow up feeling good about themselves. So, why do I say that to myself? I don’t really know. More importantly, how do I stop?
When I say “even I know how to get to Cambridge” the inside joke I that I have a painfully terrible sense of direction. So, if I know how to get to Cambridge, you should have no problem getting there. Usually when I say “Even I…” it’s followed by the word “know.” So, I am implying that I have a low level of intelligence but can pull off whatever it is I am referring to and if you can’t then you are dumber then I am. Nice! But, I don’t think that is typically the use of the “Even I..” phrase when I use it. I believe I am trying to be relatable. Like, “look, we all have flaws. Don’t sweat it.”
We weren’t born negatively talking to ourselves. I’m no therapist, but I am guessing that we collect experiences over time, starting when we are young, that create the voice in our head. For me, I knew I was bad at school at a very young age. My best friend was not. She was always in the “A” group. I was always in the “C” group. I had tutoring for my awful handwriting with Mrs. Flake. I think it was during recess. It was embarrassing. I remember standing up in front of the class for our fourth grade weekly spelling bee and being the first to sit down. I had no doubt how dumb I was. It was made crystal clear every day in every class. Maybe this is why I often hear my inner voice say how glad I am to be a grown up.
It’s funny, because my inner voice is actually pretty nice to me. Despite the “even I…” part, I generally support myself in what it is I am trying to do. I give myself a break for not being good at all sorts of things because I am pretty good at all sorts of other things. Perhaps this is the key to dissolving negative self-talk: See the spectrum, not the color. Know what I mean? I Googled negative self-talk and there are a billion sites that deal with it so I am not going to link to anything. Except, maybe this.
POLL
Do you speak negatively to yourself?
Yes, often67%Nope0%Yes, but less than I did when I was0%Yes, bot not often33%3 VOTES ·15 HOURS REMAINING
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