WSG 73: What is even the point of it all? Some dark humor on Michael Caine, Alfie, and how do you want to be remembered?
Michael Caine and Shelley Winters in Alfie, 1966Photo byGetty
What’s it all about, Alfie?
Have you ever seen that movie, Alfie? The original one. It’s quite funny and Michael Caine is just starting out his long and illustrious acting career (he’s pretty adorable in 1966). Burt Bacharach and Hal David wrote the theme song for the movie that people in my generation may have had their parents say back to them when they asked about something (“What’s it all about…?”). Did you have a parent ever say that to you? I did. The lyrics are interesting:
What's it all about, Alfie? Is it just for the moment we live? What's it all about when you sort it out, Alfie? Are we meant to take more than we give? Or are we meant to be kind?
And if only fools are kind, Alfie Then I guess it is wise to be cruel And if life belongs only to the strong, Alfie What will you lend on an old golden rule? As sure as I believe there's a heaven above, Alfie I know there's something much more Something even non-believers can believe in
I believe in love, Alfie Without true love we just exist, Alfie Until you find the love you've missed you're nothing, Alfie When you walk, let your heart lead the way And you'll find love any day, Alfie Alfie
Why am I even talking about the 1966 movie, Alfie? Well. For a few reasons.
First, I went to a funeral this week of a cousin who was more like an aunt. She was 89, but her salty, bright wonderful personality was intact, even if her body had let her down. Second, the week before I had been at a family (husband’s) home in Maine where the tombstones for the grandparents are located. On the grandfather’s it says his name and his dates and then, “This one’s on me” carved in granite. Now, if that doesn’t make a statement, I don’t know what does. Then, third, I was looking through a list I keep of topics to write on and “your own obituary” was on the list. I’m going to save the obituary writing theme for another time, but all of these events did get me thinking about what does one decide to put on their tombstone, if anything. What’s it all about?
I haven’t seen a lot of tombstones with a quote on them, to be honest. But, there is a sayings from the past about them. Telling someone: “It’s not going to be on your tombstone,” was a way of saying, “Chill out, it’s not that big a deal.” Or, “Don’t go hurting yourself to do something because it really doesn’t matter to anyone.”
For instance, I said “It’s not like it’s going to be on your tombstone” to a neighbor many many years ago when I found her walking down the street and she was sobbing. What’s wrong, I asked. She said she was overwhelmed by the breastfeeding of her twins. It was taking the life out of her. It was all she could do. Feed. Pump. Feed. Pump. Like, breastfeeding your twins for three to six months is a lot and no one is ever going to know whether she did breastfeed her kids, let alone judge her on it. So, give yourself a break, it’s not going to be on your tombstone. Not sure how that went over. I don’t think very well. But, I digress.
Circling back to Alfie — for whatever reason when I am thinking about life and death — I sometimes hear the “What’s it all about, Alfie?” theme song. Which makes no sense. But, there it is.
I will be writing about obituaries, if anyone has any thoughts on that. And, sadly, I have a lot of friends writing them for their parents, which leads me to another topic I want to cover soon, with reader input, elder parent care. How are you dealing with it? What has worked, what has not? Any pitfalls you can help readers avoid if they are in the same situation? How to deal with your mental health, your parents mental health? Are your kids involved? Should they be? How are your siblings behaving? Is there equality in time, effort and expense? Lots to think about.
Don’t forget about last week’s post. Rose Prieto answers some of your burning questions about skincare, at-home lasers and more. It’s behind a paywall, so if you want to see it, become a member of the Premium Squad!
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