"I don't know if I want his daughter around our kids," Dallas woman on fiance

*This article is a work of nonfiction based on actual events recounted to me by a friend who witnessed them firsthand; used with permission

Photo byOurWhisky FoundationonUnsplash

Raising a family with the partner you choose to have close for years to come is a unique experience in a relationship, but when they already have kids from a previous marriage, it may look like parenting will be new only to you.

Would you still think they see it as a special moment for the two of you if they've already been through it, or would you be tempted to assume they will dismiss it as something that's just part of the usual things a couple does?

My friend Jackie, who lives in Dallas, has been engaged to her fiance, Zack, for eight months. They will have their wedding in six months, and they're currently busy with planning decorations, menus, the guest list, and checking out how the venue will look with the flowers they want to have.

They met after graduating from college and have always been focused on their careers and getting promoted so they could have a nice house and afford to travel while keeping up with their bills every month.

"For us, being comfortable is more than just getting groceries and having all the bills on track. We want to see new places together and get to know people from around the world. To do that, there's no way I could be a housewife while he earns just enough for us to get by. Our jobs are the way to experience what we care about. And we're counting on our families for when we have kids because our schedules will be the same," Jackie said.

They met at a party in Dallas, and they felt close as soon as they saw each other.

"It wasn't like we fell in love right there and then, but there was this sort of connection that was clear to both of us. We didn't want to be away from each other from that day," Jackie said.

They exchanged phone numbers and kept texting and calling daily for a few weeks. During that time, they talked about what they wanted for their future and the type of relationship they were looking for.

"Zack told me he'd been married before and that he had his daughter Anna living with him. I was a bit surprised because he seemed so carefree at the party. I didn't associate how spontaneous he was with him being a dad. But it wasn't like I could change that, so I went along with it and did all I could to have a happy relationship," Jackie said.

Once they realized they both wanted a committed long-term relationship and to get married and have a family, Zack asked her to go out. Their first few dates were about checking different restaurants. After that, they planned day trips and then moved on to weekend travels.

"It was a lot of fun to see new cities together or to show each other our favorite areas for relaxing walks in Dallas. I felt like these trips were making us get closer than just going out for dinner and dancing," Jackie said.

Once they'd been dating for six months, they felt it was time to meet each other's families too.

"My parents liked him a lot, and he always offered to help them fix things around the house or drive them where they needed to go. Mom wasn't too excited about his daughter, but she said you couldn't really get a single man anymore without him being divorced or a dad, so she didn't say anything more about it," Jackie said.

Zack's parents were not so eager to get to know her. In fact, they were still hoping Zack would get back to his ex so they could raise Anna together.

"I get that she's their granddaughter, and they want her to have both her parents close, but that wasn't my fault. Zack left her mom and ended that relationship before he even knew me, so their attitude wasn't fair," Jackie said.

She decided to be patient and keep trying to get along with them because she felt they would see her as a good partner for their son once time passed, and they realized how happy they were.

In the meantime, she also had a challenge of her own to deal with. While she told Zack it was ok that he was a dad, and she didn't mind, Jackie began thinking about what it would be like being a stepmom. And she wasn't sure she liked the idea too much.

"Anna was a first grader when I met Zack, and she was friendly to me, so there was no issue there. I just felt like I only wanted to be a friend, not necessarily her mom. But she kept trying to be close and even called me 'mom' once. I was uncomfortable with how affectionate she was toward me," Jackie said.

Time went by, and their relationship kept getting more solid. Zack also asked her to move in together in Dallas, but he didn't want to pressure her to accept his daughter. So, he sent Anna to live with her grandparents while he and Jackie got used to living in his house.

"I thought it was better this way. It was too early to turn Jackie into a stepmom. I wanted her to focus on us and our relationship and on being happy with me," Zack said.

He proposed to her one month after Jackie moved in with him. She said yes, they set their wedding date, and their families got excited planning all the details for the ceremony.

"It was so wonderful to know I had someone to spend my life with and have our kids and a happy home. There was just one thing that bothered me each time I thought about our relationship. Would he be just as happy to have our kids as he'd been the first time when Anna was born?" Jackie said.

While the preparations are moving forward, Jackie questions how much it will matter to Zack to be a dad the second or third time and whether that will make a difference in how he feels about his second family with her.

"He has a kid; our family won't matter so much to him. It can't be like when it first happened and he found out he would be a dad. He says it will be great anyway, but I'm doubtful. And I don't know if I want his daughter around our kids," Jackie said.

She went and had the last adjustments done to her wedding gown over the weekend and refused Anna when she asked to come with her. Jackie's parents have encouraged her to be closer to Zack's daughter, but for now, she's keeping her distance while Anna tries to find a way to bond with her. And it's not clear if Anna will live with her grandparents permanently or if she can move back in with the couple once they tie the knot.

What do you think about this situation? Was it fair for Zack to make his daughter live with his parents just to give his fiancee more space without having to deal with being a stepmom? Is Jackie right to worry about the way Zack will feel about their kids, or will he love all of them the same?