"He won't let me visit mom; he told me to stay there if I see her"

Photo byUrban GyllströmonUnsplash

*This article is a work of nonfiction based on actual events recounted to me by a friend who witnessed them firsthand; used with permission

Having a positive relationship with your in-laws can get very challenging as you get used to having them in your family and attending different parties and events together.

But what do you do when your spouse refuses to let you visit your parents and suggests you could move in with them if you go against their demands?

Is it ok to expect your partner to avoid their parents, or is that an indication the relationship can't last and it's time to consider getting a divorce?

My friend Gina has been married to her husband, Nick, for two years. They had a short engagement and organized a simple wedding ceremony with their families so they could be together sooner.

"Mom and dad didn't approve of a two-month engagement, but I felt our relationship was going to last and didn't mind he wanted to be my husband sooner," Gina said.

They dated for six months before Nick asked her to be his wife, and they both got excited as soon as they let their families know they wanted to be together permanently. Gina was very happy with the ring she received, and while they were celebrating their engagement, she often mentioned that the price of the ring had something to do with how much her fiance cared about her, too.

"I mean, he has a good job, and he can afford it. But if he didn't care, he wouldn't have bought such a pretty ring. It shows he appreciates me and cares about our relationship," Gina said at the time.

The couple moved in together after the wedding ceremony and started adjusting to each other's habits. They hadn't lived together before because they wanted their marriage to be about having a family, and Gina didn't feel comfortable doing that too soon.

"The first weeks were difficult after the honeymoon. We kept waking up at different times and expected each other to be ready to go out or to do our part of the chores. It took a while to settle in, be comfortable with each other, organize chores, and share cooking sometimes. Nick knows how to cook better than I do. He just doesn't like it if I keep telling him he has to do it," Gina said.

Things slowly got better, and by the time they celebrated their first anniversary, Gina and Nick had a tidy home, and their relationship wasn't tense. Gina was pleased she managed to avoid arguments and felt like their marriage would last a long time.

Unfortunately, things changed two months later when Diane, Gina's mom, had her birthday party. She didn't include Nick in the invitation she sent, and when the couple brought her present, she put it in a back room and avoided opening it.

"Nick felt offended, and I don't blame him. It wasn't nice for mom to behave like that. But our relationship as a family was about compromises, and I thought he would get over it," Gina said.

As it turns out, Nick not only didn't forget how Diane reacted to the gift and the way the invitation was phrased. He also didn't think his mother-in-law should come by their house until she apologized.

"I called mom and told her Nick was upset and that she had to say she was sorry. But she kept telling me she hadn't done anything wrong and that Nick should just pay more attention when choosing gifts. I just couldn't convince her to apologize no matter how hard I tried," Gina said.

And the more weeks passed, the less interested Nick was in having anything to do with his wife's mom. It got to the point where he argued with her if she said she was going to visit Diane. And three months ago, Nick told his wife she couldn't go by her mom's house at all.

If she did, he expected her to move over there. Diane didn't think he was serious, but he repeated it so many times and even texted Diane the same thing that she thinks he would consider a divorce if she goes to see her mom.

"He won't let me visit mom; he told me to stay there if I see her without his permission. But she's my mom. I can't pretend we're not related. He doesn't say anything if we talk over the phone, but visits to her house are not ok with him," Gina said.

She still thinks she needs to be patient for a while, and she reminded her mom to try and apologize for how she behaved to Nick. Diane said she'd think about it, but two weeks have passed since her daughter asked her to say sorry, and she hasn't done it.

While the tension is going on, Nick can't stand to hear his wife mention his mother-in-law, and their relationship is getting stressful.

What do you think about this situation? Is it fair for Nick to want his wife to avoid seeing her mom all the time? Should he try and compromise so he can still have a happy relationship with Gina instead of arguing about the way Diane organized her birthday party?