"He wants me to clean his mom's house before he gives me a ring"

Photo byHaley HydornonUnsplash

*This article is a work of nonfiction based on actual events recounted to me by a friend who witnessed them firsthand; used with permission

Considering your relationship for the long term and deciding to commit can mean you are sure your partner makes you happy and fulfilled, but sometimes, there can be conditions on taking that step.

Is it ok if your partner expects you to do something in exchange for proposing, or is giving a ring only about love?

How much is too much when trying to get something in return for choosing a relationship permanently?

My friend Stella has been dating her boyfriend, Bryan, for one year. They met while they were both in college and stayed friends for a few years.

"We got along great, but we weren't ready for a relationship at the time. Being friends was better for a while, and we got to know more about each other without any pressure. As time went by, I realized I liked spending time with Bryan a lot, and he felt the same way," Stella said.

Once they graduated, they looked for full-time positions and supported each other until they could be on the right track for a higher income and a successful career. One year after graduation, Bryan asked Stella out on a date.

"It was finally a good time to think about being in a relationship. And it wasn't like I was going to date someone new. I was comfortable with him and didn't feel like I needed to impress him or anything like that," Stella said.

The couple went to have dinner at a restaurant and watched a movie after that. And they had such a good time that they agreed to keep seeing each other at least three times a week.

"It was so nice to have someone who listened to me and didn't criticize or wait for a moment to tell me I was doing things wrong. Bryan was supportive and wanted me to succeed, and I valued that a lot about our connection," Stella said.

As time went by, they also got to meet each other's parents. Stella's mom and dad were excited about their relationship and felt that Bryan was responsible for his career. They also advised them to avoid hurrying and just take their time to be sure they felt the same way about the future.

As for Bryan's parents, Stella only got to meet his mom since his dad was usually away on work projects. Lena, his mom, welcomed her when they visited her in her Dallas home but wasn't very positive. She particularly didn't like to hear how Sella was interested in pursuing her career and getting promoted.

"She's been a housewife all her life, so I can understand why she wouldn't like me to be so focused on work. But she didn't really make an effort to be nice. She mostly expected me to say I was wrong, which, of course, I couldn't. I think having my own income and supporting my partner matters a lot," Stella shared.

They didn't visit Lena too often, so the two of them didn't get a chance to argue or anything, but on the whole, Stella felt a bit uncomfortable each time she thought about her mother-in-law's attitude toward her. Even so, she decided to ignore it since her boyfriend didn't live with her and she seldom met her anyway.

Six months after their relationship began, Bryan asked his girlfriend to move in together in his home. Stella agreed to end her lease, and in a week, she was ready to start living in the same place.

Adjusting to each other's habits took a few weeks, but they eventually got organized and learned how to share chores while still making time for dates and trips. And their relationship improved, too, once they realized they could be happy sharing their space.

After they settled in, however, Stella began thinking about the next step for them. Her friends were also asking her about a proposal and a ring, but she wasn't sure what to say.

When she talked about it with Bryan, he said he was ok with taking that step but didn't mention when it would happen. And by the time they got close to their first anniversary, Stella was worried it wouldn't happen at all.

So she decided to have an open talk about expectations and made it clear she wouldn't be living with him for several years before they got married. Bryan surprised her by agreeing to propose, but before he did that, he wanted his girlfriend to agree to do something for him and his mom.

Since Lena doubts Stella's ideas about housekeeping and chores, Bryan talked to his mom, and they think Stella should clean up Lena's home for a month to show she would be a great wife.

After that time, Bryan is willing to go shopping for a ring and commit to his girlfriend.

"He wants me to clean his mom's house before he gives me a ring. I didn't even know what to say to that. Do they both think I'm a maid and I will just go and look after her home for free? It's disrespectful and offensive. I work full-time, and I already keep Bryan's home tidy. Why would I go and clean up her home when we're not even related yet?" Stella said.

She explained to her boyfriend that his demand made no sense, but he wasn't willing to compromise. If she won't do the cleaning for his mom, he just wants to live together permanently and keep things the same.

What do you think about this situation? Is it fair for Bryan to expect his girlfriend to clean up his mom's home before he asks her to be his wife? Should he focus more on his relationship with Stella than on his mom's doubts about her cleaning skills?