"She'll move with her dad if I don't do her laundry and cook all her meals and snacks"

Photo byPaola AguilaronUnsplash

*This article is a work of nonfiction based on actual events recounted to me by a friend who witnessed them firsthand; used with permission

Having a positive relationship with your kids while they're teens can get quite challenging, particularly when you don't have the time to do everything for them, and they dislike chores.

How would you react if your child expected only homecooked meals and snacks, refused to help with laundry, and said they wouldn't have anything to do with you unless you agreed to do all of it?

Could a divorce justify this kind of behavior, or would you refuse to show them you make the rules even if it meant they'd rather live with your ex?

My friend Leah, who lives in Phoenix, Arizona, is in her first year of high school and lives with her mom, Gina. Leah's parents got divorced three years ago, and she stayed with her mom because Andrew, her dad, was about to get married again, and she wasn't sure where she fit in his new relationship.

"We got along very well, and I realized he and mom avoiding each other wasn't about me, but I didn't know if I'd like his wife or how I'd feel once they had kids. So, I decided to live with mom, and dad kept a close relationship and visited almost every weekend," Leah said.

While things went well between Leah and Andrew, and they texted and called during the week when he couldn't be home, the teen argued a lot more with her mom.

Unfortunately, Leah felt like she was missing out on something by staying in Gina's house in Phoenix and that her mom should do everything for her, including cooking and chores.

And if Gina reminded her she needed to do her part and that she should help her in the kitchen sometimes, Leah refused or started shouting at her.

"I just can't get through to her. It all started with the divorce, of course, and I thought giving her some time and space would help. I didn't insist on chores and cooked her favorite snacks. But then, it got to the point where I spent all my time cooking, and she still wasn't happy. And doing anything around the house is no longer something she wants to discuss. We argue about that at least five times a week, and our relationship is getting worse," Gina said.

The mom understood Leah was stressed after the divorce and did what she could to help her feel better, but gradually, the teen missed her dad more and more.

And lately, she's been visiting him and his wife too. As it turns out, they get along very well, and Paige, Andrew's second wife, said she would be ok with having Leah stay with them.

And that's what's causing the disagreements between Leah and her mom. The teen feels like she's doing her mom a favor by continuing to live with her, and every time Gina asks her to do something, she'll say she can move with Andrew.

"She'll move with her dad if I don't do her laundry and cook all her meals and snacks. I don't want her to go, but if things stay the same, she won't learn how to be responsible. How can she know what she needs about housework and cooking or cleaning if she won't even listen to me when I tell her to come and help me? This isn't just about where she lives. And once she's in Andrew's home, I'm sure his wife will expect the same. Sometimes, I feel like letting her move so she can see the difference between Paige and her own mom. She's unfair, and I'm tired of our relationship being tense all the time. She behaves like I should be grateful she's still around," Gina said.

Leah isn't convinced by her mom's arguments, and she's sure she would do better if she could live with Andrew. So far, her dad hasn't agreed to have her come despite what Paige said, and their relationship is just as positive as before.

However, Leah thinks it's just a matter of time and that it won't take more than a few months until she can get away from her mom constantly asking her to do chores in Phoenix.

"She's tiresome, and that's not how I want my relationship with my mom to be like. I just stay in my room most of the time. She's no fun to be around. When I see Paige, we cook together, and she knows so many recipes mom doesn't. I don't think I'd mind doing chores with her. So when dad says it's fine, I'd like to go there. And mom will miss me and realize she's overreacting and should be doing even more to keep me here," Leah said.

What do you think about this situation? Is it fair for Leah to ask her mom to cook for her all the time and refuse to do chores just because she doesn't want to live with her anymore? Should Leah try harder to keep a positive relationship with Gina because her mom is upset by her behavior?