"I have long naps after losing my mom; he's annoyed"

Photo bybruce marsonUnsplash

*This article is a work of nonfiction based on actual events recounted to me by a friend who witnessed them firsthand; used with permission

Having a close relationship with your partner matters a lot when you lose one of your parents. And if you suddenly feel more tired or just not up to your regular activities, would you expect comfort or someone who would ask you to get up and do things?

Is it ok for your partner to think you're being slow on purpose, or should your relationship be a way to stay positive after going through a loss without any criticism?

My friend Leah, who lives in Phoenix, Arizona, has been dating her boyfriend, Josh, for two years. They got along great ever since they met at her birthday party and stayed in touch as friends for a while.

They exchanged phone numbers and connected on social media, but each of them was in a relationship at the time, so they just supported each other and met casually at different events.

"We got along well, and I didn't get bored while talking to him. Instead, it felt like time passed too fast, and I missed discussing different issues together. We were friends for about six months until we each left our partners. I don't know if it was because we met, but I did feel like what I had wasn't ok for me anymore," Leah said.

Both Leah and Josh left their partners after being friends for a few months because they felt like they were happier together. They only began dating one month after being single, and they tried to spend as much time together as possible.

"It wasn't about money or going to eat at elegant restaurants around Phoenix. We could both afford that since we worked full-time, but I felt like he cared about me and made me happy. And I wanted to see if this relationship was the right one for me," Leah said.

They went out at least three times a week and also spent a few weekends together. Three months after they began dating, they decided to rent an apartment and get used to living in the same place.

"It was a change, but we already knew each other since we were friends for a while. So, three months was more than enough to be sure I wanted to take that step," Leah said.

They gradually got used to each other's habits, and they learned how to share chores, cook a bit, and set their schedules on track. They had a few arguments because Leah forgot to do laundry and Josh left dishes in the sink, but they managed to stay organized and avoid further disagreements.

"I totally expected that since we're used to living on our own terms, but our relationship mattered more than chores, and we found a way to make it all better. Besides, we had so much more time to spend together instead of driving around to get to two places," Leah said.

They also met each other's parents, and Leah realized Josh's mom and dad were excited about their relationship and looking forward to having her visit in Phoenix. As for her parents, her mom was a bit cautious and advised her to wait until getting engaged just so she could be sure Josh would be committed to her.

Her dad liked Josh, but he also felt like they had rushed to move in together and told his daughter it was better to wait a while until thinking about getting engaged.

"Josh wasn't too happy about their reaction, but he understood when I explained it to him. And he had no problem with waiting. None of us wanted kids anytime soon, so there was no need to look for a ring or plan a wedding yet," Leah said.

Things stayed the same until a month ago when Leah's mom passed away. Up to that time, Josh had gotten to know both her and her husband a lot better, and they often had family dinners at their home. Faced with this loss, Leah took some time off work and did all she could to be able to move on while still thinking about her mom and the good times they had together.

"It was all so sudden, and I still tried to cope my way. Josh thought I needed to be outside more and to keep moving, but I didn't feel like doing that much. And I wanted to sleep a lot more than usual. Naps or just waking up late. I was so tired, and the more he tried to make me do some activity, the more tired I felt. It was like being exhausted as soon as I opened my eyes," Leah said.

Unfortunately, Josh had a very different opinion of his girlfriend's behavior. To him, she wasn't trying hard enough to feel better, and even though he realized she was sad, he thought she needed to make an effort.

And that constantly napping wasn't a way to deal with being sad but rather showing she was bored or using it as an excuse.

"I have long naps after losing my mom; he's annoyed; he says I'm lazy. I do want to get up and moving, but it's so hard for me right now. And on some days, it's like I explain it, and he doesn't understand at all. We used to be great at communicating, but now he criticizes me and tells me I need to do things I'm not ready for," Leah said.

She's talked to her dad, and he advised her to be patient and give herself the time she needs. He thinks naps are fine as long as she still spends an hour or two outside.

Josh, on the other hand, brought his mom over two days ago, and they're both making Leah feel bad about sleeping a bit longer.

"She's just like Josh; I can't have any time for myself or just to think quietly about things. They want me to be outside, to exercise, or to have friends over. Keeping busy won't make me happy faster, and it won't make me forget about losing mom," Leah said.

While she feels pressured to get over her mom passing away, Leah knows her partner is trying to help. It's just not the kind of support she wants, and she's not sure if their relationship can make it through this.

What do you think about this situation? Is Josh being fair in criticizing his girlfriend for wanting more rest after losing her mom? Should he listen more to how she feels and value their relationship enough to support her the way she needs him to instead of trying to make Leah do what he wants?