When my dad died, he left all his money to my brother. How do I get him to treat me fairly?

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• For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
• This week, a reader's dad died and left all his money to one sibling.
• Our columnist says the situation isn't fair, but thoughtless actions aren't the same as unloving actions.
• Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form .

Dear For Love & Money,

My dad died almost two years ago and left my younger brother and me here. Our mom and another brother passed many years ago. Growing up, my brother could do no wrong. He was always my dad's favorite.

When my dad got sick, my brother and I became close — or so I thought. We helped my dad's girlfriend with caregiver duties. My dad added my brother's name to his bank accounts and supposedly told him that was for him when he was gone. After my dad passed, my brother said that all that money was his now.

I feel betrayed again, not only by my dad but also by my brother. I feel he should share the money since just the two of us are left. That's what I would've done.

My dad also had a will and trust that left me as his representative, but because my brother's name was on the account, there's nothing I can do. I know my dad caused this situation, but my brother doesn't have to handle it like that. I just want to be treated equally to my brother. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Least Favorite

Dear Least Favorite,

I'm sorry for your loss and for the years of your life that you spent feeling like your father's "least" favorite. I can't offer you any legal advice; unless he said otherwise in his will, the money in your father's bank account is now your brother's. This is unfair and unkind, and you have every right to feel the sting of it.

However, being mad at your dead father and resentful of your brother won't give you the life you deserve to live — a life free of jealousy and hurt where a memory of your dad doesn't ruin your day and a phone call from your brother doesn't feel like a stab to the heart. Escaping an emotional situation someone else put you in is never easy, so remember this process will be long and imperfect. Be gentle with yourself.

Letting go of old wounds can be challenging, but it will be worth it once you're on the other side. To get there, try reframing your perspective of the past. This will mean empathizing with your brother and your late father. I know this may sound unfair, considering they're the ones who made you feel left out, unappreciated, and deprioritized in the first place, but we can't limit our imagination to only our experiences.

I am the third of six siblings. I've always felt lost in my family. I remember driving seven hours to visit my family one weekend in my mid-20s. I had two toddlers and an infant in tow. The journey alone was a whole production.

And yet, once we arrived, only one of my sisters made any real time for me. My dad spent the weekend clearing a field, my mom had social obligations, and my other siblings didn't even bother with excuses. I'd given them plenty of advance notice, and still, they only had an hour or two to offer. It hurt.

I spent the afternoon with my grandparents, crying on their shoulders. My grandfather listened patiently, looked me in the eye, and responded, "You're one of six." As if this explained everything and ought to comfort me somehow.

At the time, it didn't, but years later, I understand what he was trying to say. While I still think their behavior was thoughtless and unkind, I realize that as much as they love me, I'm just another part of their lives they had to try and make work, and they had their own version of the story in which their behavior was perfectly justified. As someone who, like everyone else on the planet, also tells myself stories to explain and justify every good and bad choice I make, recognizing the humanity behind my family's poor decisions helped me understand it wasn't a personal snub.

My dad likely felt like he had to clear the land before the ground froze, and my mom probably made a commitment without realizing the date and didn't want to flake out on her friends. Their behavior demonstrated poor time management and shoddy social skills, but it didn't mean that they wanted me to feel rejected.

This reframing makes the insult of that weekend much easier to forgive, and thus, I don't have to carry around a story in my heart about my parents avoiding my company out of sheer dislike. Their mistakes are about their faults, not mine.

Your dad treated your brother like his favorite all your life, but that doesn't mean he loved him more than you. Maybe he and your brother shared more interests and your dad was too lazy to try new things. Maybe your dad felt bad for your brother because he always secretly felt you had more promise. Maybe something happened when your brother was little that your dad felt guilty about, and he spent the rest of his life making amends. Maybe a lot of things. But I'm confident it was never about you being unworthy of equal love.

The same goes for your brother hanging onto all of the money now. Maybe your dad meant to give it all to him because he knew your brother was in trouble financially, and that's why your brother is keeping it all to himself now. Maybe your brother made the whole thing up because he's just greedy. Either way, it's not about you receiving a smaller portion of love because they thought that's all you deserved.

Hold onto this truth, and let go of the rest. You deserve it.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

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