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When it comes to narcissistic parents, the question I get asked most often is, “Why would a narcissist become a parent in the first place?”

It’s a good question. The internet has painted the picture of a narcissist only as a grandiose and self-obsessed maniac. Surely that type of person would never willingly take on the ultimate compassion-based role of parent? Of course they would.

Motherhood and fatherhood are one of the easiest and most unquestionable masks a narcissist can wear in their lifetime. Using the position to disguise their abusive (and often Machiavellian) natures, the narcissist slides easily into the role of parent. It’s not even a hard decision for them to make. Many of them come to on the back of their own calculated and insecure natures.

What makes a person narcissistic?

We have to be really clear about what makes a person narcissistic because it’s become such a “buzzword” that much of the meaning has gotten lost. According to online celebs and “gurus”, a narcissist is anyone who is grand in personality and toxic in behavior. But narcissism is so much more complicated than that.

In order to achieve a clinical diagnosis for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or NPD) one must show a combination of various symptoms:

• Exaggerated sense of self-importance
• Delusional sense of entitlement
• Demanding superiority (without achievement)
• Inflating skills, talents, or achievements
• Obsession with power and material success
• Distinct and obvious empathy deficit
• Demanding perfection in family and friends
• Categorizing inferiors and acting accordingly
• Demanding compliance and obedience
• Directed by extreme envy or jealousy
• Inability to take feedback or criticism
• Avoidance of accountability at all costs

A person can have any number of these traits, in any combination, but the results are the same. Those with NPD (whether grandiose, covert, or communal) are self-obsessed, and insecure, and require the self-direction and self-soothing of those around them.

As partners, they can be Machiavellian, demeaning, detached, demanding, and hostile. They provide no emotional safety, and even as your friend, they work hard to devalue you and put you in a place that is perceived as “lower” than theirs.

The real danger, however, comes when the narcissist becomes a parent…

Placed at the top of a family, they can become vicious, damaging, and malignant. They demand perfection out of their children and mold their families to fit whatever projection most suits their delusion.

Why would a narcissistic person become a parent?

It doesn’t seem to make sense. Why would someone who thinks they’re the center of the universe want to have a child? If they’re so insecure and vicious -why would they want to become parents? Well, that’s exactly what makes the journey so tempting to the narcissist. Being a parent can provide a power trip and the chance to create a fictitious image that no one dares deny.

Projecting an image

For a great number of narcissists, family is a matter of projection. Hobbled by their own insecurities, narcissists use their families to create a hologram. To the world, their family allows them to be seen as whole, normal, successful human beings. Behind closed doors, though, it’s anything but.

That’s why the narcissist only loves their child when they are performing. Partners and offspring alike have to project the image the narcissist desires. That means behaving a certain way, thinking a certain way, looking a certain way.

Disappoint any of the expectations that a narcissistic parent has and you’re looking at alienation and punishment (to the extreme). All of these carry on right into adulthood, too, with a narcissist’s adult children only getting recognition when they build their lives a certain way and score certain careers.

Desperate for love

There’s a deeper level to the narcissistic person’s decision to become a parent, however. Cruel though they may be, they are still human, and many of them crave love and affection that they themselves haven’t received in other areas of their lives. So they find partners for “love” and they build families for “love” too.

Many narcissists crave the love they cannot and will not return to others. The problem is in the direction of this love. While the narcissist expects everyone around them to love them unconditionally, they don’t return that same love.

Their love is very conditional and based entirely on your meeting their expectations at every turn. All the same, many narcissistic people bring children into this world because they see them as an endless source of love. They expect their children to love them unconditionally, and to thank them for the privilege of existing. Gratitude like this becomes pretty hard, however, when you’re seen as an object and not a person.

Mad competition

What most people don’t realize is that narcissists are outwardly validated and directed. They don’t really have genuine desires of their own. They chase what they think other people want as a source of supply or validation. This gets them into a lot of trouble. Especially where families are involved.

It’s not uncommon to see narcissists starting families out of sheer competition. Seeing someone else next to them get attention and praise for the journey of family, they will do the same. You’ll see them competing with siblings, parents, friends, and even neighbors.

Narcissistic insecurity drives these manipulators. Competing with those around them is another mechanism for control.

You can’t lay all the blame on something so simple, though. A narcissist isn’t always competing against a person directly in their environment. Some narcissistic people will create a family to compete against past injuries and adversaries they want to “prove them wrong”.

Masking insecurities

The internet has taught us that narcissists are grandiose, that they brag about themselves and their achievements to no end. This is how we have been taught how to identify potential “narcissists” in our lives, but they are anything but. Any grandiosity you see in a narcissist stems from one place: insecurity.

No matter what kind of narcissist you’re dealing with, they all have incredibly unstable and fragile egos. They believe they aren’t good enough, so they build a life that negates that belief in any way they can.

They cover up their cruelties by pretending to have a moral high ground, by projecting themselves as the perfect partner, parent, friend, or coworker. Their families play into that.

With a family in tow — with a partner who pretends to be happy and children who perform out of fear — the narcissist looks normal. They look healthy, secure, and in charge of their world. Peel back any layer, though, and you get the truth.

How a narcissistic parent affects development.

The costs of being raised by a narcissist are high. At war with themselves, they raise adult children who are always at odds with their own happiness. These children never learn to be authentic. They never learn to be safe. It can take them decades to heal if they heal at all.

And it’s understandable. When you’re raised by a truly narcissistic person, your development is damaged and delayed in ways that touch every corner of your life.

• Inability to form stable relationships
• Unstable sense of authentic self
• Inability to be independent (or make decisions)
• Lack of true self-direction
• Insecure and avoidant attachment issues

Living under the shadow of a narcissistic parent feels akin to living in the shadow of an active volcano. You never know when the ire will turn to you, or when the destruction will begin. It’s a life lived in fear, and it creates fearful adults who are weak, timid, or otherwise self-destructive and toxic.

What does healing look like? Can we take back our power from someone who is so determined to prioritize and protect their own delusions? The good news is we can, and we should. But the path is long and requires a lot of time, commitment, and hard choices.

Is that a leap you’re ready to make? Are you ready to feel comfortable in your own skin? Or do you want to keep living a life of anxiety? Of insecurity? Of not knowing who you really are and what you want?

***

Start where everyone starts: with radical acceptance. Accept who your parent is, who they choose to be, and the damage they’ve done to you. Then accept where you are and who you are at this moment. From there, you can create a roadmap to who you want to be (and what you want your life to look like).

Beyond acceptance, look for help. Increase your understanding of true narcissism. Find those who have survived this story before.

There’s power in a chosen tribe, but there’s even more power in falling in love with yourself. Love yourself more than the narcissistic parent who prioritized themselves over your healthy development.

Give yourself a chance to be happy…and do it on your own terms.

Day, N., Bourke, M., Townsend, M., & Grenyer, B. (2020). Pathological Narcissism: A Study of Burden on Partners and Family. Journal Of Personality Disorders, 34(6), 799–813. doi: 10.1521/pedi_2019_33_413