Smith column: Authors share sexual abuse victims' stories of healing

All sexual abuse is damaging, and the trauma from it persists beyond the abuse itself. If you were abused as a child, you likely experience long-term effects that interfere with your day-to-day functioning.

However, healing is possible, even leading to thriving — a state of wholeness, satisfaction in your life and work, and genuine connection. “Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse” by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis delves into the healing process — what it takes, what it feels like, and how it can transform your life. While written for women, countless men have also found “Courage to Heal” helpful.

A second, more concise treatment by the same authors, “Beginning to Heal: A First Book for Men and Women who were Sexually Abused as Children” covers healing stages and includes fewer survivor stories.

While time may ease some pain, deep healing requires active commitment. Recovering from child sexual abuse demands dedication. But with effort, resources and support, thriving becomes achievable.

Healing in isolation is exceedingly difficult since much of the damage stems from the secrecy surrounding the abuse. It’s crucial to have someone to confide in during your healing journey.

This person could be another survivor, a support group member, a counselor, or a trusted family member or partner. Ideally, you’ll have a combination of supportive resources.

The authors endorse writing as a valuable tool for healing. “It gives you the opportunity to tell your own story, to relay your history as you experienced it. You can say: “This happened to me. It was that bad. It was the fault and responsibility of the adult. I was — and am — innocent.”

You uncover buried memories and emotions allowing yourself to grieve and to revisit your past with the compassionate support of your adult self. Sharing what you’ve written is equally important. Read it to someone who will listen attentively and with compassion.

These words resonate deeply with me, as it was the eloquent writing of a survivor whose courage and strength moved me to pen this column. “Many survivors have been too busy surviving to notice the ways they were hurt by the abuse. But you cannot heal until you acknowledge the impact of the abuse.”

Not all survivors are affected in the same way. Some do well in one area of life but not in another; some have a constant nagging feeling that something is wrong. For others, the damage is so pervasive that it feels as if nothing was spared.

How the abuse was handled in childhood greatly influences its aftermath. Compassionate intervention initiates healing, while neglect or blame exacerbates the damage, leaving survivors feeling abandoned and alone. Coping mechanisms developed in response to abuse may also lead to further challenges.

The many impacts of sexual abuse on self-esteem, feelings, the body, capacity for intimacy, sexuality, parenting, and family relationships are explained in “Courage to Heal.” As it guides readers through assessing the effects of abuse, it clarifies that this material may lead to recognizing, perhaps for the first time, how sexual abuse has influenced various aspects of their lives. While recognition can be painful, it’s an essential part of the healing journey.

Survivors are offered a reassuring message: that despite feeling overwhelmed by reading about the long-term effects of abuse, you have already survived the hardest part — the abuse itself. The same abuse that undercut you has led to inner resources necessary for healing. Every survivor can draw confidence from their strength, which, when combined with an understanding of the healing process, leads to recovery.

“Courage to Heal” subsequently details essential survival skills for healing, such as selecting a counselor, overcoming isolation, creating a safe space, managing pain, and practicing self-care. It also outlines key stages of healing, providing insight into what to expect and how to navigate each stage. These include deciding to heal, remembering, accepting the reality, breaking silence, understanding it wasn’t your fault, reconnecting with your inner child, grieving, managing anger, and finding resolution and moving forward.

The book concludes with 17 stories of courageous women who share their experiences of pain, strength, and triumphs. Their truth serves as reminders that healing is truly possible.

To begin genuine healing for yourself or someone you love, consider starting with one of these books. I and countless others will be wholeheartedly rooting for you.