Do You Feel Like Your Ex Ruined Your Life?

When “forever” ends (here’s how to feel better)

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Have you ever had your world ripped apart by the one person you trusted most?

After twenty-two years of marriage and nine children, finding out my husband’s deceptions broke me in every way. The life we’d built together, the dreams we shared, were gone — instantaneously.

Our children, caught in between, were devastated and confused.

I cycled through all the emotions — denial, shock, guilt, anger, sadness — sometimes multiple times. Anger can be tough. It’s easy to get stuck there, blaming them for everything. I’ve seen people cling to bitterness throughout their lives, still feeling wronged by their marriage from years back.

That’s not to say our anger isn’t justified. The pain is raw, real, and often overwhelming. Anger can be helpful, pushing us past the shock and sadness, at least I know it did for me. But we’re not meant to stay there. It keeps us chained to the past, focused on the pain, instead of finding our way through healing and moving forward.

The moment I found out about his affairs and extravagant trips he’d taken with others (at our expense), it felt like a punch in my stomach that caught me by surprise. This was the man I’d built my life with and trusted the most.

But as time passed and life settled, I realized while the betrayal was devastating, it didn’t have to define me or the future. We all play a part in our relationships. It’s easy to point out our ex’s flaws, but acknowledging our own is just as important.

This isn’t about excusing their behavior — simply recognizing there are always two sides to every story. This can soften the edges of anger, even when it feels like their side doesn’t deserve consideration.

For me, the most empowering realization was that I had a choice: I could hold onto anger, or choose to let it go. Forgiveness wasn’t about excusing his actions, it was about freeing myself. It was the most precious gift I could give myself and my children.

Healing takes effort and time. Be kind to yourself, and be patient. Focus on growing and creating your new story. It’s not about forgetting, it’s about forgiving— so you can move on.

Forgiveness doesn’t always come easy, but you can find your way through. Below are the steps that helped me.

Feel It All (And Then Let It Go)

Anger, sadness, even guilt — I didn’t bottle it up, I let myself feel the full force of the pain. It was messy, raw, and sometimes ugly. But so very necessary.

My ex didn’t like showing his emotions. In his world, a “real man” was stoic and unyielding, and he expected the same from us. Feelings were seen as a vulnerability (a weakness to avoid at all costs). Our clash over our emotions was an ongoing issue in our marriage, and one we never quite bridged.

I gave myself permission to grieve, feel anger, and cry until there were no more tears left. No guilt, no shame. And that’s how I began to heal.

Breaking the Silence

My friends and family were my rock. Their support was invaluable as I tried to find my way through his betrayal. They listened without judgment, offered hugs, and let me know I wasn’t alone.

But it hadn’t always been this way. During our marriage, my ex discouraged me from sharing our problems with anyone — his family, my family, and even close friends. “Nobody cares what’s going on,” he’d say, “We all have our own problems.”

His words made me feel isolated, trapped, and alone. I began to believe that putting on a smile and always being great was a sign of strength — a way to protect our happy image. But in reality, it only deepened my feelings of helplessness.

While some things are private, when we’re facing challenges, having someone to talk with and lean on makes all the difference. It’s okay to not be okay, and sharing our burdens with loved ones can be incredibly healing.

Find Your Anchor

Taking care of ourselves isn’t selfish — it’s necessary. It’s the small, daily acts of self-care that nourish us.

I clung tightly to my morning and evening habits. I grounded myself in familiar routines, yoga, walks in nature, movie nights with the kids, and endless talks into the night.

I devoured inspirational books, filling my mind with positive messages. I wrote and journaled, pouring everything onto the page and finding my voice. Immersing myself in the kitchen, I created meals my kids and I loved — without a thought as to whether or not he’d like it or approve.

Whatever made me feel a little bit better each day, I did. Taking care of ourselves when everything else is falling apart is non-negotiable. It’s what helps us create a life that feels good for us and for those we love.

Rediscover You

All those dreams and passions I’d neatly tucked away, those pieces of myself I thought I was sacrificing for the greater good? I reclaimed them. I even did some incredible new things, like my first girl's trip ever to Atlanta, swimming (hello, lifeguard certification), and even going to Cancun — without him.

Before that, I’d never gone out of state without him. I remember his joke about telling me I could travel without him once I was older and men weren’t interested in me,” (seriously?!). Back then I thought he was kidding. Yea, no. It was time to redefine myself, on my own terms.

The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself. — C. JoyBell C.

Consciously Choose to Forgive

It wasn’t easy, but I made a conscious decision to forgive — not for him, but for me.

One day, listening to Wayne Dyer’s 10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace, it hit me. My anger wasn’t affecting him at all. He wasn’t losing any sleep over my approval or disapproval, nor was he waiting for my forgiveness.

In fact, he was off traveling South America, living the good life with his lover.

I was still stuck in our past, replaying the hurt. But I realized forgiveness wasn’t about excusing his behavior; it was about setting myself free. It was about taking back my power, peace, and future.

It was the most difficult — yet most liberating — decision I made. And thankfully, it happened sooner, rather than later. Forgiveness didn’t erase the pain, but it allowed me to create a new life, without the weight of anger.

The Road Ahead

Life isn’t always fair, and sometimes the people we love the most hurt us in unimaginable ways. But, we’re not defined by our past. Allow yourself to feel everything, reach out to those who care, and embrace the healing power of self-care. Rediscover your passions and dreams.

And when you’re ready, choose to forgive — not for them, but for you. Forgive to heal, reclaim your power, and create a future that’s more beautiful than you ever imagined.