Why We Stick It Out in Failing Marriages

I have encountered many people who struggle within their marriages yet find themselves unable to leave. Besides the fact that the average divorce costs $12k to $15k and up, there are a lot of reasons why people stay in unhappy marriages.

The other reasons for staying in a failing marriage are complex and multifaceted, often rooted deeply in psychological, emotional, and societal factors. Understanding these reasons can provide insight into our own relationships and help us support others facing similar challenges.

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Fear of the Unknown

One of the most powerful forces keeping people in failing marriages is the fear of the unknown. In fact, I'd say it is the number one reason for staying. Leaving a marriage means stepping into an uncertain future.

This fear often outweighs the discomfort of staying in an unhappy relationship. People worry about financial instability, loneliness, and the impact on their children. The familiar, even if it's painful, feels safer than the unpredictable.

Emotional Investment (Sunk Cost Fallacy)

Marriages involve significant emotional investment. People invest years, sometimes decades, of their lives into these relationships. They share dreams, build homes, and raise children together.

Walking away from a marriage means abandoning that investment. The emotional cost of leaving can seem too high, prompting many to stay and hope for improvement.

Social and Cultural Pressure

Societal and cultural expectations also play a critical role. Many cultures still place a high value on marriage, viewing divorce as a failure or a moral lapse. This societal pressure can be overwhelming, leading many to stay in marriages to avoid judgment and maintain their social standing. Friends and family may encourage staying together, often with the best intentions, but this support can sometimes feel like pressure to endure.

Self-Identity and Worth

Marriage becomes a significant part of one's identity. People often tie their self-worth to their role as a spouse. Leaving a marriage can lead to a crisis of identity, causing individuals to question their value and purpose. They may fear being labeled as "failures" or worry about starting over. This fear of losing a part of themselves keeps many in failing relationships.

Hope for Change

Hope is a powerful motivator. Many people stay in failing marriages because they believe things can get better. They remember the good times and hope to rekindle that connection.

They may think their partner will change or that therapy can help. This hope, while sometimes justified, can lead to prolonged suffering if the necessary changes do not occur.

Financial Concerns

Financial stability is another critical factor. Divorce can bring significant financial strain, especially if one partner relies on the other for income. The prospect of dividing assets, paying for legal fees, and potentially losing financial security can be daunting. Many stay in unhappy marriages to avoid the economic hardships of divorce.

Concern for Children

For parents, concern for their children often outweighs their personal happiness. Many believe staying together is better for their children, providing a stable home environment. They worry about the emotional impact of divorce on their kids. This concern, while understandable, can sometimes lead to prolonged exposure to marital conflict, which can be more damaging than the separation itself.

Comfort in Routine

Humans are creatures of habit. The routine, familiarity, and predictability of marriage, even an unhappy one, provide a sense of comfort and security. Change disrupts this routine, bringing anxiety and uncertainty. Many choose the comfort of the familiar over the stress of the unknown.

What Do Most Unhappily Married People Feel?

Many unhappily married individuals experience a profound sense of stagnation. They feel stuck in a cycle of routine and disconnection, where the excitement and intimacy that once characterized their relationship have long faded.

This sense of being trapped often leads to feelings of hopelessness, as efforts to revive the relationship seem futile or unreciprocated. The daily grind of maintaining a facade of normalcy can become exhausting, making each day blend into the next without any sense of progression or improvement.

Loneliness is another common feeling among those in unhappy marriages. Despite sharing a home and a life with their spouse, they often feel emotionally isolated.

The lack of meaningful communication and emotional support can make them feel more alone than if they were actually by themselves. This emotional distance creates a chasm that is hard to bridge, leading to further feelings of resentment and alienation.

Many people in unhappy marriages also experience chronic stress and anxiety. The constant tension and unresolved conflicts create an environment of perpetual unease. This stress often extends beyond the marriage, affecting other areas of life such as work, friendships, and overall mental health. The pressure to keep up appearances for the sake of children, family, or societal expectations can amplify this stress, making it even more difficult to find a way out or a path to improvement.

Lastly, there is often a pervasive sense of disappointment and regret. People may look back on their lives and wonder where things went wrong, feeling regretful about the choices they made or the time they have lost.

This disappointment is not just about their spouse, but also about themselves and their own perceived failures. They might mourn the loss of their dreams and the life they envisioned when they first got married, which can lead to a deep sense of sadness and dissatisfaction with their current reality.

Is It Better to Divorce or Stay Unhappily Married?

Deciding whether to divorce or stay in an unhappy marriage is complex and deeply personal. Key factors to consider include emotional well-being, financial stability, impact on children, and potential for personal growth.

Staying in an unhappy marriage may provide financial security and a stable home for children but can lead to chronic stress and emotional disconnection. Divorce, while initially challenging, can offer relief, personal freedom, and the opportunity for a happier life.

Seeking support from a therapist can help people make the best decision for their circumstances, prioritizing overall happiness and well-being.

The Wrap Up

Understanding why we stick it out in failing marriages requires empathy and compassion. The decision to stay or leave is deeply personal and influenced by various factors, from fear and hope to financial concerns and societal pressure.

I encourage unhappily married people to explore these reasons honestly and seek support to make the best decision for their well-being. Whether they choose to stay and work on their marriage or leave to find happiness elsewhere, acknowledging these complex emotions is the first step toward a healthier and more fulfilling life.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-venn-diagram-life/202203/5-reasons-people-stay-in-unhappy-marriages

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fighting-fear/201407/why-people-in-bad-marriage-stay-married

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/better-divorce/202006/seven-reasons-people-stay-in-marriage-doesnt-work