He Has Issues with His Wife’s Wrinkles

While this “Loving Husband” feels bad lying about his wife’s wrinkles, his ageist issues seem to go deeper. See what advice columnist Amy Dickinson has to say.

Dear Amy:

My wife of 40 years is a beautiful woman and always has been. When younger, she turned many heads. To this day (when she wears makeup), she still is quite attractive.

The one caveat is that now that she is in her 70s, she has developed many wrinkles.

She frequently asks me if I think she is looking much older.

I would never upset her and so I fib and say “no.”

At times she will look at another woman who has lots of wrinkles and ask, “Do I have as many wrinkles as she does?”

I always say “…not even close,” although in some instances she does have as many.

Am I right to fib? I could never see myself saying, “Yes, dear, you have a lot of wrinkles.”

I love her and it truly doesn’t matter to me.

Your thoughts?

– Loving Husband

Dear Loving Husband:

You write this as though your wife has aged, but you have not.

You also seem to believe that the aging process, which is both natural and unavoidable, renders people unattractive.

If you have somehow miraculously not aged in these last 40 years, then your position as the Rip Van Winkle in your family gives you the authority to be the wrinkle arbiter.

However, I’m going to assume that you are an average person and that you are showing your years – along with the rest of us.

If so, when your wife expresses her deep insecurities, you might identify with her, rather than behave in a way that is dishonest or disingenuous.

Say to her, “Honey, look at us both. Look at our friends and family members. Take a good look. Every sign of our age means that we are alive. Our lumps and bumps are reminders that we have the privilege of living in our bodies. Our wrinkles are the map of our experiences.”

And when your wife brushes off your lofty musings, definitely deliver a kindly fib.

All of this would be much easier – for both of you – if you truly believed your wife was beautiful (as is!), and could say as much with absolute sincerity.

I hope you can.

In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune ’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers – ranging from a wife’s wrinkles to a daughter ’ s cheating husband and well-meaning inquiries . Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.

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