Simple tokens of remembrance

I’ve known George for many years through work but unfortunately never met his sister Gretchen nor did I know much about her or her two children and husband. As I entered the funeral home where the visitation was held, I had no clue what to do! Do I sit, kneel or pray in the pew? Do I walk up to the casket? Do I walk up to the grieving family and say….what!? I was lost. Truly lost! There were no pictures of Gretchen, no memorabilia, and nothing that I could make conversation about in the case I was to bump into the children or even worse… the grieving widower! There was only what appeared to be a 1930’s register book that the funeral home had put out, missing only the accompanied feather pen. A casket, lights shining all over it, with proudly displayed flowers surrounding it. How could I use any of that to generate a conversation with the family? After all, I could never say “nice casket” or “My those flowers sure do look nice”. The goal now was to see my friend George and dodge the widower so that I didn’t have to say something awkward or even worse — the famous line that every single person attending was unfortunately being limited to say…”I’m sorry for your loss.”

How many of you have been in this same situation? It’s a horrible feeling, isn’t it? You come so far to show your support, only to be faced with nervousness and discomfort. It shouldn’t be this way. In my opinion a visitation/final farewell should be the beginning stages of grief support and therapy in the grieving process. Unfortunately for many funeral homes, they do not offer a personal touch and are simply going through the same motions as a funeral director from the 1920’s.

Fortunately, there are modern day undertakers changing this experience to focus more on a life lived, provide unique ways to help a family heal and ultimately create an atmosphere that calls to mind memories shared together. These one-of-a-kind undertakers are listening to families to learn about the personality of the individual in order to create unique designed experiences reflecting their interests. This one-of-a-kind environment gives visitors an opportunity to connect with the family by offering stories and memories that spark conversation about the good times had with the one they lost. It provides an atmosphere of “I remember when” and not “I’m sorry for your loss.”

In Gretchen’s case, what if that funeral director didn’t look at that visitation as a place to show off a casket and a display for flowers, but rather a place to remember a life lived and generate memories? All that funeral director had to do was spend just a little more time, give a bit more effort and that ceremony could have been one of the most therapeutic events for not only the entire family but all who attended as well. Just think, if we had something to relate to when in these situations and in turn ultimately share that story with the surviving relatives, how comforting that would be for the grieving family? For example, what if Gretchen loved to bike ride and that undertaker took it upon themselves to put Gretchen’s bike (or one similar to it) next to the casket. In knowing that the friend, her brother, was a huge cyclist, the husband easily could have been approached by asking about his wife’s bike and related it to her brother (who again was the only connection to this family) and his love of biking. This in turn would have created dialogue that most likely would have prompted him to share a story of perhaps his wife and brother in law cycling together and how happy that experience was to her. Maybe this could have gone further to memories of the two of them cycling together and how that will be a memory he would always cherish. Lastly, it could have generated conversation between family members that ultimately assists in their grief.

Simple tokens of remembrance are all it takes to generate a therapeutic experience for individuals encountering a loss. These items could include books, videos, shirts, signs, posters, sports items, glasses, shoes, awards, decoys and almost anything offering connection to a memory of that individual. After all, every visitor coming to pay their respects to the visitation of Gretchen was left with a casket and flowers to generate conversation; yeah, not good! Memories are the strongest things we have when it comes to comforting those who grieve. Modern day undertakers are moving out of the Stone Age and finally embracing this. They realize that with just a little more effort families can walk away from life’s worst problem, losing a loved one, with perhaps a smile on their face and a tear on their cheek. That my friends is therapy.