What's In A Name? Plenty, In This Unique NHL Mock Draft

In the weeks leading up to the 2024 NHL Draft in Las Vegas June 28-29, experts will be sharing their locks, steals, sleepers, and surprises.

None better than THN's Ryan Kennedy, whose exhaustive final rankings and analysis you can read here . And there's this:

As for me, I admit to lacking an encyclopedic knowledge of the world's best 17-and-18-year-old hockey talent.

Sure, I could speculate why the Seattle Kraken could go off the board and select Caitlin Clark, who obviously can absorb a check. Or why the San Jose Sharks will pass on Macklin Celebrini, when they see an unheralded Manitoba lad lift a Camry over his head at the scouting combine.

Instead, going with my strength (such as it is), here is my list of draft-eligibles from NHL Central Scouting, matched up with the team which should select them based on their names. Enjoy.

MIETTINEN, JULIUS     6' 2"    203    Center    EVERETT    WHL

• When the Philadelphia Flyers made their 2023 jersey unveiling, they called it "the new era of orange." So nothing would be more refreshing that choosing an Orange Julius.

LUCHANKO, JETT     5' 11"    180    Center        GUELPH        OHL
PILOTE, DOMINIC     6' 1"    178      Left Wing    RIMOUSKI    QMJHL

• Like Vancouver did back in the day with the Sedin Twins, the Winnipeg Jets need to find a way to draft both of these guys; just a gut feeling that they'd pair well together.

GILL, SPENCER     6' 4"    185    Defenseman    RIMOUSKI    QMJHL

• San Jose may want Celebrini, but Sharks need Gills.

GOLICIC, JAN     6' 5"    188    Defenseman    GATINEAU    QMJHL
ELICK, CHARLIE     6' 3"    194    Defenseman    BRANDON    WHL

• You know either one of these players would be welcomed with an open tongue by Boston Bruins captain Brad Marchand.

MEWS, HENRY     6' 0"    181    Defenseman    OTTAWA    OHL

• For the Florida Panthers, this guy would be the cat's meow.

HOWE, TANNER     5' 10"    175    Left Wing    REGINA    WHL

• Too on the nose for the Detroit Red Wings? Who's going to tell Tanner #9 isn't available?

SATAN, MIROSLAV  6' 7" 190  Center BRATISLAVA JR. SLOVAKIA-JR.

• Really too on the nose? But of course he'd be a perfect fit in Salt Lake City. Oh, sorry, my mistake. I meant the The New Jersey Devils.

PLANTE, MAX     5' 11"    170    Left Wing    USA U-18    NTDP

• An environmentally-conscious choice for the Seattle Kraken, who will feel right at home inside Climate Pledge Arena.

OSBURN, LUKE     6' 1"    172    Defenseman    YOUNGSTOWN    USHL
BURNEVIK, AUSTIN     6' 4"    195    Right Wing    MADISON    USHL

• A tough call awaits for the Calgary Flames scouting staff.

CROSBY, LOGAN     6' 2"    195    Right Wing    HALIFAX    QMJHL

• Hey, it worked once before for the Pittsburgh Penguins. Who's going to tell Logan that #87 isn't available?

EICHLER, JOSEF     6' 0"    192    Defenseman    WINDSOR    OHL

• It didn't work once before with a 1st rounder J. Eichel; maybe the Buffalo Sabres will have better luck with a J. Eichler.

PROTZ, OWEN     6' 1"    213    Defenseman    BRANTFORD    OHL

• Nashville Predators GM Barry Trotz has a good feeling about this guy for some reason.

KEEFE, OWEN     6' 0"    194    Defenseman    SIOUX CITY    USHL

• The Toronto Maples Leafs just got rid of their old Keefe, so they're in the market for a replacement.

LITALIEN, ELIOT  6' 2" 187 Center  BLAINVILLE-BOISBRIAND QMJHL

• This is the name everyone at Area 51 is hoping the Vegas Golden Knights select.

FREE, NATHAN     5' 9"    153    Right Wing    BROOKS    BCHL

• Free would work for the cost-conscious Carolina Hurricanes.

ADAMS, TANNER  5' 11"    184    Right Wing  PROVIDENCE  H-EAST

• Located in sunny SoCal, the Anaheim Ducks are geographically suited to get Tanner.

SUMPF, JULIUS     6' 1"    179    Center    MONCTON    QMJHL

• St. Louis Blues, naturally; Smurfs are blue, right? What do you mean, I misread the name?

CLOUTIER, PIER-ETIENNE 6' 5" 198 Left Wing  QUEBEC  QMJHL

• The Ottawa Senators and Washington Capitals will be fighting over this choice, because everyone knows what you need more than anything in a nation's capital is Clout (ier).

WILLIAMS, DAX     6' 0"    190    Defenseman    CALGARY    WHL

• In a bid to steal headlines from Cowboys QB Dak Prescott, the Dallas Stars obtain a Dax of their own.

FISCHER, LUKAS     6' 3"    173    Defenseman    SARNIA    OHL
FISHER, JAKE     6' 2"    190    Center    FARGO    USHL

• The New York Islanders can't go wrong picking a Fisher-man. If they only become half as beloved as Islanders legend Stan Fischler, NYI will have gotten the steal of the draft.

VAN VLIET, LUCAS     6' 2"    175    Center    USA U-18    NTDP
VAN BLARICOM, MATTHEW  5' 11" 174 Right Wing HUMBOLDT SJHL
VAN VOLSEN, JACK     6' 1"    188    Center    MISSISSAUGA    OHL

• Oh, boy. The Vancouver Canucks war room might come to blows over this pick.

DIRRACOLO, MAX     6' 4"    215    Defenseman    KITCHENER    OHL

• I mean, it's right there in his name, Colorado Avalanche.

Editor's Note: We've only named players for 23 of the 32 NHL teams. While we don't have exact matches for the other nine clubs, we'll examine some possible name options in this space tomorrow.